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MyPTSD Pro
How have you cracked this one?
I have an issue with corrosive self doubt. I have an issue with deep, intense and passionate self hatred. What my parents instilled within me are total lies. I am simply not as bad as a person that I feel/think that I am. I can write that but I cannot experience within myself as being true. I deeply believe at a total core level that I am totally bad, awful, revolting, too much, too needy, too desperate, too horrible, too destructive, too aggressive, too reactive, too dangerous and too disgusting to have anything in my life. I sabotage myself and f*ck up things for myself and then go through the recriminations and self hatred. I only just noticed the self sabotage thing. So I have awareness of that at least. I walk around all day saying to myself "You have to improve. What you do is not good enough". This is different from the passionate for healing/recovery/management. I am being totally brutal to myself. I just pound myself no matter how little or big a thing that happens is, and I pound myself whether I can or could not change the thing or not. So I am not doing a lot of reality based thinking. I am doing a lot of distorted cognitive thinking. I am living and reinforcing my own inherent negativity bias thing, which all humans to do some extent.
I am terrified to be in this now, though I am no longer in danger or threatened. I tried for many years to get better in a place that was dangerous and it didn't work. I understand why that is now.
I don't have to continually attack myself after each encounter with other people. I don't need to walk around all day saying to myself "You have to improve. What you do is not good enough". I do that all the time and it is sabotaging my recovery/maintenance. It's not unreasonable to not be able to give up comfort eating or binge watching TV if being present in my body is to be aggressively, dissected and self attacked by my self. I am constantly aggressively putting myself down or attacking myself.
1. is to be really aware of it. The first thing is to note each time I do it.
2. is to be able to sit with it and see what I am doing. I need to notice the patterns.
3. is to gently, gently, gently pry myself away from obsessive thought patterns I have used to save myself from my parents and then the emotionally and financially abusive psychologist and the sexually exploitative psychologist.
So ways I disconnect from myself include:
dissociation,
depersonalisation
derealisation
maladaptive daydreaming
food addiction, binging and comfort eating
depriving myself
punishing myself
sabotaging myself
aggressive and abuse self talk - which I am often not aware of but it's related to those horrible feelings.
The last three I have been aware on and off and people often tell me that I am so hard on myself and that I am giving myself a hard time. I didn't really get it though. Well I get it a lot more now as I have just had a major depressive episode. These thought patternes
I will rarely let myself be nurturing to myself or helping myself. It all has to be me fixing my badness, so I am reinforcing myself own negative patterns, corrosive self doubt and self hatred.
I have been here just one month off a decade, and I had worked so hard for many years before I got here. I have worked really hard since I have been hard. This is an adjusting an attitude and life practices. I think once I have gotten this one down I will be at a maintenance place. It feels impossible to do this but I have felt many things have been impossible and done them with lots of persistence and perseverance.
I realise now too that when I am deeply in self hatred and punitive mode that if anyone agrees with my self hatred I spiral down in to confirmation of my parents ways of treating, seeing and hurting me and I get so much worse.
I have an issue with corrosive self doubt. I have an issue with deep, intense and passionate self hatred. What my parents instilled within me are total lies. I am simply not as bad as a person that I feel/think that I am. I can write that but I cannot experience within myself as being true. I deeply believe at a total core level that I am totally bad, awful, revolting, too much, too needy, too desperate, too horrible, too destructive, too aggressive, too reactive, too dangerous and too disgusting to have anything in my life. I sabotage myself and f*ck up things for myself and then go through the recriminations and self hatred. I only just noticed the self sabotage thing. So I have awareness of that at least. I walk around all day saying to myself "You have to improve. What you do is not good enough". This is different from the passionate for healing/recovery/management. I am being totally brutal to myself. I just pound myself no matter how little or big a thing that happens is, and I pound myself whether I can or could not change the thing or not. So I am not doing a lot of reality based thinking. I am doing a lot of distorted cognitive thinking. I am living and reinforcing my own inherent negativity bias thing, which all humans to do some extent.
I am terrified to be in this now, though I am no longer in danger or threatened. I tried for many years to get better in a place that was dangerous and it didn't work. I understand why that is now.
I don't have to continually attack myself after each encounter with other people. I don't need to walk around all day saying to myself "You have to improve. What you do is not good enough". I do that all the time and it is sabotaging my recovery/maintenance. It's not unreasonable to not be able to give up comfort eating or binge watching TV if being present in my body is to be aggressively, dissected and self attacked by my self. I am constantly aggressively putting myself down or attacking myself.
1. is to be really aware of it. The first thing is to note each time I do it.
2. is to be able to sit with it and see what I am doing. I need to notice the patterns.
3. is to gently, gently, gently pry myself away from obsessive thought patterns I have used to save myself from my parents and then the emotionally and financially abusive psychologist and the sexually exploitative psychologist.
So ways I disconnect from myself include:
dissociation,
depersonalisation
derealisation
maladaptive daydreaming
food addiction, binging and comfort eating
depriving myself
punishing myself
sabotaging myself
aggressive and abuse self talk - which I am often not aware of but it's related to those horrible feelings.
The last three I have been aware on and off and people often tell me that I am so hard on myself and that I am giving myself a hard time. I didn't really get it though. Well I get it a lot more now as I have just had a major depressive episode. These thought patternes
I will rarely let myself be nurturing to myself or helping myself. It all has to be me fixing my badness, so I am reinforcing myself own negative patterns, corrosive self doubt and self hatred.
I have been here just one month off a decade, and I had worked so hard for many years before I got here. I have worked really hard since I have been hard. This is an adjusting an attitude and life practices. I think once I have gotten this one down I will be at a maintenance place. It feels impossible to do this but I have felt many things have been impossible and done them with lots of persistence and perseverance.
I realise now too that when I am deeply in self hatred and punitive mode that if anyone agrees with my self hatred I spiral down in to confirmation of my parents ways of treating, seeing and hurting me and I get so much worse.