Am I The Only One...

[lostforgottensoul]

That gets angry at some posts? Like its not the person or the post or my past really as I fail to see anything really in my past or present as bad or horrible. Its just like, I dont know...like I just mentally scream at my phone saying "you're complaining about that? Try my life on for size!" What the f*ck is that? I dont trauma compare, or I try not to, and I dont know if I can fully when I fail to see my past as bad and stuff. But isnt that what that is? And trauma comparing is bad so does that mean im horrible for thinking that?

It just angers me sometimes so much that it will throw me into a rage. What is that and how does one get a handle on something like that? I already know all trauma is bad...even all stressors are bad, usually. Its not about telling myself that all people's shit is as bad as my shit. I already get that. So...then i dont know why this is going on. Its new, i never did this before. Whats wrong with me?

 

[Sandstone]

And some of us with nothing much to complain about feel much the same about ourselves. You are one of the people in my mind when I wonder how on earth I can think I've got anything to whinge about.

 

[ladee]

Possibly because so much is coming up for you about your Mother? Having the whole family entering your safe space mentally. Your denial in the past of how bad it was, not so much any more, great progress in that area. But your past is becoming more 'feeling real', than before. I really don't think you deny others their pain, it's more of finally seeing and feeling how truly bad yours was.... I may be wrong. but either way, glad you posted... And I think unconsciously or even consciously, we do compare trauma.... we don't come here and do it. But I know many here that I know I could not have survived what they endured. Yours included.. Doesn't mean I minimize my own. Because it was bad enough to f*ck up my life... But you are having a lot thrown in your face right now... and it is more real than it's ever been for you.. Sending hugs of comfort. And thanks for your honesty. Doesn't make you bad, just honest.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Doesn't make you bad, just honest.

Thanks. I erased this post 5 times and then clicked anonymous off and on 8 times before just closing my eyes and hitting post...hoping to god it wasnt taken badly. I am truely only trying to be honest. And i dont, on purpose anyway, minimize anyone's trauma or even stress in their life.

finally seeing and feeling how truly bad yours was.

Maybe...not sure if i truely see it as horrible or bad. I only use those words cuz my therapist does. Its not conpletely justified anymore in my head but i dont know if i can honestly say that it was horrible. Maybe bad but not horrible is how my brain works.

My therapist today used a phrase that i cant seem to grasp, "sexual torture". He's said torture before and says horrible all the time but its the first time he has said sexual torture. Like what the f*ck is the difference but i suppose in the f*cking mudpile i call my brain it makes a difference.

But your past is becoming more 'feeling real', than before.

Definitely! Ive been sitting here watching old episodes of Six Feet Under on Amazon and I thought it was distracting me but I think its pulling apart my protection of numbness or just making me realize that my mom is really about to die and i do give a f*ck...just not like everyone else...

you are having a lot thrown in your face right now..

Yes, yes I am and Im about to come unglued...

I am trying so hard to keep myself together...but in all honesty, thats about where im at...and have no clue which way to go, what to do, how to fix it, how to process it...i am so f*cking lost!

 

[joeylittle]

Your stress cup is overflowing, and rage is a primary reaction to stress, for you.

I'd seriously recommend just staying away from the stressor - in this case, other posters. Keep up with your threads, write in your diary. When things are a little more leveled off, stress-wise, then you can see where you are at.

That'd be my advice. Everyone handles stressors differently - but there's certainly no need to beat yourself up over this one, especially when the solution is actually fairly straightforward. And it's not avoiding - it's actually being pro-active about managing your stress.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Your stress cup is overflowing, and rage is a primary reaction to stress, for you.

I so love that stress cup thing. It makes things so much easier to understand. And yes, anger and rage is where I go for whatever reason when everything is piling on me.

I'd seriously recommend just staying away from the stressor - in this case, other posters. Keep up with your threads, write in your diary. When things are a little more leveled off, stress-wise, then you can see where you are at.

Thats good advise. I guess i get stuck in browsing around when im bored and i suppose now is not the best time for that...

Its so much easier on days im working. 10 hrs is scooped up for me and it completely distracts my mind...my full mind is in fixing internet & PCs and thats all I think about. Off times it so much harder. I cant seem to distract myself at all. I went to my DBT workbook and I was trying to find more distracting things since the 10 on the card wasnt working and i couldnt seem to and i ended up throwing it across the room.

In my diary i just stare at a blank page for a while and give up. I cant seem to put words to anything, distract anything, process anything. Ugh!

But will try to steer clear of the rest of the forum for a while. Its good to know im not as horrible of a person than my brain is making me out to be over this.

 

[ladee]

You may be feeling overwhelmed, but I don't feel you are lost. You have come too far to be lost at this point. It is just a lot going on at one time. It reminds me of me !! Just going on with my life, thinking I am ok, working on 'it', and then out of left field comes some great big real stuff and my brain turns into a circus. And not a fun circus.
The hardest part for me, is to slow down... take one thing at a time. see what , if anything I can do about it now. Acknowledging my feelings is the hard part for me...As long as it's an intellectual exercise, I think I am handling it... but let all those feelings come rolling in, and like you, I feel lost.
But we both have the tools to slow down. To do what needs to be done to get us back on track, and a lot of self talk to reinforce that we are not incapable of dealing with what ever is going on. Going thru that myself right now.
So I do understand.
And the truth of the matter, this is a very large emotional subject for you and it's REAL... don't think many people are prepared to handle all of it without going a little crazy.
You are processing, even tho it may feel that you aren't. Try to see some things that you are doing right, some things that are working for you. You are sharing, trying to work it out. It's not like our brains know how to instinctively to do this...It's hard and it's overwhelming.
And comparing trauma is human... we just try to not be judgemental about it..but we are human first. Be kinder to yourself and try not to judge every thought you have... the thoughts are helping you to 'peel the onion'.. so to speak, to get down to what is really going on... like I said, am going thru the same thing myself, on different issues, but 'peeling the onion' nonetheless... it's ok... you are just being human under a lot of change and stress.
Supposedly, your Mother is dying, that is a can of worms for most of us... I can only imagine how confusing it is for you...
But hang tight, keep working on it... you will get thru this, and maybe some of it won't come together for you until after she passes... You are not a bad person, you are a woman going thru a lot right now. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Neverthesame]

I dont trauma compare, or I try not to, and I dont know if I can fully when I fail to see my past as bad and stuff. But isnt that what that is?

Yes, though hear me out. I'm not saying that as a point my finger at you accusatory way.

Comparing ourselves to others is something we all do, not just to negative trauma aspects of our lives. But positive successes as well.

When done in a healthy way it's a motivator to push ourselves for better things. For example:

• I see a doctor drive up to a shop in his expensive car. I then think "hey, that looks like a good job. Lots of hard work to get to where he is. But, if he can do it, so can I." This is a positive comparison.
• I see a doctor drive up to a shop in his expensive car. I then think "Look at that stuck up prick. With his BMW and trophy wife. Rubbing his success in my face, jerk." This is a negative comparison.

And trauma comparing is bad so does that mean im horrible for thinking that?

Nope. It's what you do with it that makes it good or bad.

Have you heard of the 7 deadly sins?

1. Avarice
2. Envy
3. Gluttony
4. Lust
5. Slough
6. Vanity
7. Wrath

All of these are normal feelings we all experience throughout our day to day lives. The reason they are referred to as deadly sins, is because they are easy thoughts and feelings to dwell on and obsess over. When someone allows themselves to be consumed by these, taking them out of proportion, is when they become deadly.

What is that and how does one get a handle on something like that?

By doing exactly what you are right now.

Looking at your feelings, discussing them with other's and seeking criticism and validation, before it becomes so ingrained that you close your mind to the possibility of change.

Whats wrong with me?

Nothing. This is normal and your concern about your perceived level of selfishness is a healthy and productive way to address your concerns about these feelings.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Just going on with my life, thinking I am ok, working on 'it', and then out of left field comes some great big real stuff and my brain turns into a circus. And not a fun circus.

Totally. I mean, i could talk about her when im going about my life here and her there without contact...then wham, my mom in my face. I thought that id be all "recovered" by the time she went. I was actually terrified that id find my dad passed away in my house first. And that likely will happen but i didnt think id have to deal with this now. This soon.

And holy f*ck, the circus of super intense emotions of everything. I never thought one person could feel this many emotions at once. I guess that means that numbness is gone, or at least coming down.

The hardest part for me, is to slow down... take one thing at a time. see what , if anything I can do about it now. Acknowledging my feelings is the hard part for me...As long as it's an intellectual exercise, I think I am handling it... but let all those feelings come rolling in, and like you, I feel lost.

Slowing down. On god, what a concept. Id give everything to slow my head down right now. Its like it doesnt now which way to go first so its bouncing everywhere. I cant seem to grab one thing. Im back to the spin cycle head. I was doing pretty good at that til now. How do i slow down my head?

Acknowleding feelings. Thats always been hard for me and i was able to acknowledge them and feel them but they then wouldnt pass. Today, i dont know, im like feeling everything all at once so i cant seem to pick out just one...other than anger. Im done with anger, i need to get to something else but... Ugh, why does this have to feel like i just started from square one?

'peel the onion'

That sounds just like my therapist. His words exactly. Im scared. Wow, thats new...

maybe some of it won't come together for you until after she passes.

Thats what my therapist said. He said that the bulk of it wont process until she passes. A huge part of me inside is crying...a child like self. Doesnt want her to go. I thought i let her go in my last letter, i dont quite get why now i feel like holding onto her...holding on to that hope that one day we will have a mommy.

What the f*cking f*ck! Seriously, an insane amount of emotions stuff inside of me. Hyerventalte time again...

I see a doctor drive up to a shop in his expensive car. I then think "hey, that looks like a good job. Lots of hard work to get to where he is. But, if he can do it, so can I."

This one sounds more like me.

Im not trying to be judgemental or anything. Its not about them...its about me.

 

[Friday]

When other people are pissing me off, instead of amusing the hell out of me, I know I'm starting to slip.

TBH sometimes I just run with it. To either chase the rabbit down the hole & find out WTF is going on with me (flanking the issues I'm not willing to look at until I am about furious, even though they're coming out sideways), or because -clearly- I need to vent some stress, and I'd rather take out my shit where it doesn't really matter. Whether it's a punching bag, or dressing down a stranger for being a f*cking idiot, rather than on the people I love most & deserve my wrath least.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

** I was writing this when FJ"s comment came in and thought Id leave it as any words anywhere at this moment, whether they make much sense, is good **

I thought maybe I could try to expand...maybe that would help.

Im scared.

Of peeling the onion. Of what i will find there. Of what i will need to feel. Of the feelings. Of knowing what I will need to face down. Of failing and not being able to get through it. Of.... :tdown: .... Of....my mom dying... Not sure why i would fear that. Why? I havent spoken to her since i was 19, she hasnt changed and still believes fully in the cult...i should be happy they both will be gone. Why is fear there? Why would i be scared of her dying? Thats confusing...maybe misplaced?...but certinaly confusing.... :tdown:

Spoiler: Because I know you like stories

:D That's cute! And yes I do! Thank you for sharing that! That was very special! :hug:

For outside the spolier, i dont think it has much if anything to do with them pissing me off. I mean, certianly these people didnt do anything to me and their stress and issues are vaild to them. And i explode on my dad and step mom because someone is venting about something that, i guess at the time, seems very small to me...seems to be more to do with something up with me...but i guess thats the chasing the rabbit down the hole thing. Im certian i know what the rabbit is but the god damn hole is filled with spikes and razor wire and traps all over it...my mom dying being the rabbit in that senario. Best thing i could think to describe it.

Or the rabbit hole is flooded with acid. And not the fun trippy kind.

The spoiler i can completely identify with!

All pain is the same. The only difference is how long it lasts. Hers would last a lifetime, mine would last a moment, but it was the same pain. So, of course she would help me, like I -and many others- would help her. I need help for a moment, but it was the same pain, so how couldn't she?

Thats beautiful and a wonderful thing to say to yourself as it is truth. But i get that all pain is the same. Thats the thing, the confusing part where i get that but though i get that (and have never been this way before), i am so affected by something that someone posted and, at the time see something that makes me think "Suck it up, & FFS, STFU already. I have about zip, zero, nada tolerance for bullshit right now"...i then fly into a blind rage explosion because my dad asked me for a damn pen. Poor guy. But like WTF? Really? Ive been a bit irritated before but never this.

I dont have judgements at all there. Im not like 'you shouldnt be here' or 'stop posting that petty stuff'. Its more at certian times I think it strikes a cord...like two medications interacting at just the right time and then BOOM. I have the why, what i dont know is the what. What is it hitting thats making me explode like that? Or is it like JL said, my stress cup is super overflowing and i need to mange my stress? Whats confusing there is why is other people's stress my stress? Its never really been before, rather not like this. Why would it add to my stress cup i guess is what im asking there.

Its all a big blob of a confusing mess.

@Sandstone i appologize if this struck a cord with you and im sorry if i added to the people your mind but just take a note, in all of my posts here, ive examined on whats up with me, not them, me. It may help to remember that everyone has stuff that they need to work on. This is one of mine currently thus why im trying to break it apart.

 

[Friday]

Or is it like JL said, my stress cup is super overflowing and i need to mange my stress?

My money is solidly here.

Mostly from experience. How I react to others is always a reflection of what's going on with me. Good, bad, or indifferent. When my stress level is rising? My temper just goes kapow! When I'm managing my stress? Teflon, baby. Like water off a ducks back. :cool:

It's also a huge shortcut : STEP ONE : Manage Stress.

That way? I know whatever kind of reaction I'm having is a reality based one, instead of a stress level one. Sort of like pain, or low blood sugar, or asthma. Take away the Usual Suspects (pain management, eat something, use my inhaler) and then I know if I'm still pissed off, that I have a right to be (aka agree with myself), instead of, oh hai. Yeah. :: blushing :: Maybe should have eaten something instead of biting their head of. Or, rather, biting someone's head off doesn't count as eating ;)

I almost always feel rational and reality based even when I haven't eaten/slept for days, stress through the roof, my o2 is low, and / or my everything hurts. Cough. And then I kick the usual suspects to the curb? And >.< Drats. Did it again. Kk self! If you're resisting taking your meds, eating, sleeping, going for a run, and other good for you things? You're prolly not as rational as you think you are.

There's an anti-suicide, anti-drug-use mnemonic known as HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). As in sort those 4 things out before offing yourself or getting high. I added an S, a little while ago. SHALT. Stressed, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Okay. Sort those 5 things out before going nuclear. Check.