Angry Response When Triggered: Anyone Else?

[Deleted member 541]

I have recently gone back to therapy(again).... At last nights therapy session, I mentioned to my T that I had been triggered 2 times in 1 phone conversation that day, and both times, this is what I felt....

First reaction, is pretty much the same every time I am triggered. I get a feeling like I have been punched in the stomach,(metaphorically speaking) and have the wind knocked out of me, and in a split second, the anger and rage hits....

She said it's because the ONLY emotions I allow myself to feel, is frustration, pissed, anger and rage, and usually in that order. I don't allow myself to feel hurt. She asked me to take a few minutes and think about it, to see if I could figure it out......I did, I allowed myself to feel hurt, and shit, the flashback hit, big time........I had to (in my mind) get around the flashback, and kept repeating to myself, "she's dead, she's dead, she's dead", all the while my T is telling me, that I am safe with her......

Needless to say, it was a pretty intense, and emotional therapy session...

I am a bit confused, and concerned with the fact that apparently I DON'T feel, or allow myself to feel any emotions other than negative ones.....She explained that, again, it goes back to the continual trauma of by childhood, and if I allowed my abusers to see my hurt, that it would open me up for yet more abuse. So I had to adapt the tough guy persona, and not show my true feelings.

So, I guess my question is....Does anyone else have this too?????

 

[Pixie]

Hi She Cat

My reactions are very different. I retreat and dissociate... but then I was never allowed to show anger, rage or even frustration. That part of me is well and truly fragmented from my functioning consciousness.

BUT I have been reading a lot about emotional flashbacks and the ways in which they affect people broken up into the "4F" types.

Fight
Flight
Fright, and
Fawn

You can find the information at pete-walker . com (spaces manually included) under an article called "The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD".

I was amazed when I read it and it was really informative.

I am the Fawn type.

Anyway, have a read if you get a chance, as I think you will find it incredibly useful!

Pixie

 

[NarcSis]

Ha! Read recent entries in my diary. I'm exploring the reasons why I am the way I am (or at least was, before my trauma, right now I don't know who I am).

My reaction is usually fear, but I hear you on the punched in the gut feeling. Vulnerable. What in our minds happens to the vulnerable? They get hurt. How do we prevent it? Deny the hurt. Deny it, avoid it, run away from it. Its a coping mechanism that started a long tiime ago for me and it was good enough to carry me into adulthood. I hate feeling vulnerable and I've never felt more vulnerabliilty than after my traumatic event; its been over a year and a half and it still eats me up and I'm still trying to overcome it by denying it.

I'm a fighter, always have been, the toughest thing to do is to stop fighting because I feel I may not come back.

That's me.

 

[tryintobreathe]

My first reaction with a lot of triggers is fear quickly followed by anger. The change from fear to anger is so fast, I almost don't even realize I ever felt the fear. I think your therapist is right about the "tough guy persona". I think that is definately the case with me.

Jen

 

[onebravegirl]

Hi She Cat,
So you've been at this long enough to know that the anger is only healthy for a short period of time. Anger tells you that you were unjustly treated, repeated anger tells you that it is time to learn what is behind it and through understanding it, you eliminate the sense of rage. Anger is a protective measure to keep us from ever having the fear of being victimized or having to re-live the pain all over again. There is a natural process of anger due to unprocessed thought in all of those who have PTSD. Understand the anger and the anger eases. This is truly the case. I believe that in your process of feeling, you are about to grow to a whole new level of awareness. Well done! Something inside you that you may not yet be able to fully be aware/or appreciate, is letting you know that you are ready for a whole new level of healing. Address you fears and your anger head long. Getting angry at the anger is possible. It is a way of saying "I choose to let thinking about my anger influence me rather than just feeling my anger". It is an insistence on wanting a new way of thinking. You are one hell of a strong woman. I know you can do this, you have done so much already. The more you know the further you grow...
O

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pixie,

I read some of that report, and then got side tracked..LOL!!!! But what I did read, I liked very much, so thanks.....

Onebravegirl.....I only have anger when triggered. I have let go of all of my anger towards my abusers....I did this years ago, in therapy.....I don't have relationships with them, as they are family, but I have let go of the anger.....

Medic... Yes, when I allowed myself to feel hurt last night in therapy, I felt vulnerable and immediately went into a flashback...So this process will not be an easy one, if i continue to have flashbacks every time I allow myself to feel......

 

[Pixie]

You are welcome She Cat. Having been searching for answers myself for so many years, I couldn't read your post without letting you know about it.

I might post it in the C-PTSD information section...

It won't be an easy process, that's true... but you have come this far and no matter if progress on this one is painfully slow... it is progress nonetheless.

Pixie