Anxious & Depressed At The Same Time - Confused

[VioletButterfly]

I don't know what is going on. I feel like I'm going to explode with anxiety and too depressed to lift a finger. I feel like my light has been blown out, but my mind is swirling away in the darkness anyway. I'm trying to be compassionate, but I keep having these thoughts and keep tagging them - that's a cognitive distortion..... over and over again. It's making a mess of my ability to perform everyday life activities. Things just seem like they never settle down. I'm afraid I'll miss an appointment (did that yesterday), afraid I'll be late paying a bill, afraid of this, afraid of that, afraid of everything.

It's like my plate is full of either stress or disappointments. I'm still having to play by everyone else's rules where I come out with the short straw. I'm not whining and I'm not I the pity pool - I'm struggling and getting nowhere but more and more lost as time goes on. It feels like I'm going crazy.

Like, I try to do the right things and keep coming out with the wrong results. Am I not supposed to call about benefits before going to see a doctor when I have new insurance? Am I not supposed to go to the market? Am I not supposed to pay my bills on time? Am I not to try to help myself?

I'm very confused. And, I feel like a total hypocrite because I can see through someone else's dilemma and offer support out here, but can't accept the support I can give to others and turn it around to help myself. I think all of this has got to be part of PTSD, but does it ever get any better? I feel like I'm getting worse.

Sorry. Really. It's just all pent up inside. VB

 

[Born to Run]

No you are not a hypocrite at all. It is not so easy to help ourselves, and the main reason we see a therapist. I hope you see a therapist to help you with this. It feels as if you are always one step behind in taking control over the things in your daily life, and you know it but can not change it. PTSD to me. I have seen that this can get better during the last few months, but before it got better I had quite a dysfunctional crisis, in which I felt I had lost control of everything. Totally helpless, now it slowly builds to new patterns of thinking and behaving and exerting more control over daily activities.

 

[barefoot]

Very common to be able to offer support/advice to others but not be able to do it for yourself - I'm sure there are plenty of people here like that (I can certainly put my hand up to it!) Doesn't make you a hypocrite at all. Just means you're struggling at the moment and that you need some help from others yourself.

I really feel for you. Depression and anxiety together is a very potent combo - I think what you say here sums it up brilliantly:

I feel like my light has been blown out, but my mind is swirling away in the darkness anyway

When I have both together, it really feels like I'm losing my mind and that I'm just going to implode. It's relentless. Confusing. Frightening. Exhausting. Are there any ways you can simplify things at the moment to take some pressures off and try to help things to settle? Eg any non-urgent appointments you can postpone?

Sounds like self-care/self-soothing are key things at the moment - take care of yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

I have seen that this can get better during the last few months, but before it got better I had quite a dysfunctional crisis, in which I felt I had lost control of everything

What helped it to get better @Born to Run ?

((((((((((( @VioletButterfly ))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking today I feel the same way.. the anxiety is immense.. the depression & exhaustion comes partly from the inability to manage, also keep up. The stress cup fills more.. to reduce the stress cup with the anxiety= how? It just has become so much (I want to say 'too much' ) for so long to bear.

I'm sorry @VioletButterfly . :( :hug:

There is one thing I want to write you but it will take a minute to type.

 

[Tinyflame]

I know you pray @VioletButterfly , I was told to say this (Philippians 4:4-7):

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say , Rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts & your minds in Christ Jesus".

So I try to remember/ say that within the first 30-45 seconds of waking up, because that's the window I have before the anxiety/ my body/ mind ramp up. (Provided I'm not waking up from a night terror).

I'm also supposed to think of a 'big burly Jewish guy' (Paul) saying it. :) Funny thing is, I seem to 'see' him holding my scarf , which is pink. (? Idk why.) However, bizarre as that sounds I guess it might help because I realize I only have 'visuals' for terror & horror, or negatives). Perhaps the scarf ties it in to here today (not 2000 years ago).

I'm not on meds but am using codeine for the anxiety, though sometimes booze for the depression/ anxiety (not helpful).

But ya, it gets to the point after all these years & what's left/ what isn't, that I can't stand the thought of continuing. :(

Hugs for you. :hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I don't think you need to say sorry. This is where you get to come and let this stuff out because people will understand and maybe even relate.

I live most days full of anxiety and when the depression joins it, well, it does make it impossible to keep doing routine things. I took a leave of absence from my job this year because I couldn't juggle it all. I couldn't keep up with the emotional and internal mess, be with my family, take care of the house (my husband helps, thankfully), and teach. And though teaching was the best part of my day, it had to be the first to go for now.

Today, I spent my day in bed. I had a long list of things I wanted to do, but after a rough (but potentially productive) therapy session yesterday and still getting things done yesterday after that, I had to give in today. I tried to go out but I was so tired, I knew it wasn't safe for me to be driving around and doing errands. I just got up. Part of me hates myself for wasting a day lying around in bed, the other part of me knows that it was needed in order to help me be more productive tomorrow.

I don't know if any of this helps you, but I just wanted you to know that I understand the feelings of anxiety and depression and feeling like your plate is too full. Also, I always feel like I do things wrong- whether or not I do.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I don't know what is going on. I feel like I'm going to explode with anxiety and too depressed...

Errr hellloooo @VioletButterfly it sounds like you have been reading from my script!!! I've been / I am exactly the same at the moment, filled with anxiety and my mood is super low. You reached out to me yesterday even though you were feeling like this? Not a hypocrite and no sorry needed. Feeling depressed and anxious sucks arse.

 

[Born to Run]

@Junebug It is getting better, since I remembered the earliest and worst trauma -at few months old- and relived and processed the total helplessness during that trauma. By going through that helplessness and the fear of dying because of it, there is now room to be no longer helpless. It is a very slow process, since there never has been any build up of having any control over my life. Every week I feel upgraded to a newer version of myself, and then I mean myself as not having been around as myself ever.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

since I remembered the earliest and worst trauma -at few months old- and relived and processed the total helplessness during that trauma

Curiousity question- How did you remember the trauma from a few months old? I ask because it is possible that I have a trauma from that young, but I didn't think it would be possible to remember something from that young.

 

[Born to Run]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve Somatic experiencing; my body remembered. I have even remembered pre-natal stuff by bodily memory using SE. I absolutely never had any clue it had happened, totally sealed off, but since exposure it finally has lifted the survival burden.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Somatic experiencing; my body remembered.

That makes sense. Thanks. My body remembers a lot- I just can't sort it out yet, but am slowly working at it.