When I am triggered by another person (not by a memory or other non-human element) I generally start by fighting, then when I feel hopeless I flee. Get in my car and split. I'm a wife and mother. This is bad for my kids and for my household. But when the urge to exit kicks in it's overwhelming. Last night I drove 120 miles. How do I check myself so as not to flee my home?
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Anyone Else Flee/run Away?
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It's a lot more difficult with children. As a single adult I could just go when and where I pleased. As a mom, it requires planning in advance.
I did/do that a couple different ways: 2 exit plans; one local, one international. Daily travels; I generally drive 50-100 miles a day. Weekly or monthly days to myself (kids on sleepover). Multiple trips w/kids per year.
You're probably saying... That's not what I mean! I mean the pack (or don't pack) and just walk out to my car/ train depot/ airport and take the hell off! Yep. It's that impulse. Normalized. Like explosive anger normalized with daily physical activity, regular timeouts, and periodic safe venting. It takes a thing which lies, coiled in wait, for a trigger to set off... And gives it safe venting. And when it does kick off? A well worn path to flow down (time to either take a drive, or go on a mini-vacay, etc.) instead of the nuclear option of simply walking away from your life.
It's a lot more difficult with children. As a single adult I could just go when and where I pleased. As a mom, it requires planning in advance.
I did/do that a couple different ways: 2 exit plans; one local, one international. Daily travels; I generally drive 50-100 miles a day. Weekly or monthly days to myself (kids on sleepover). Multiple trips w/kids per year.
You're probably saying... That's not what I mean! I mean the pack (or don't pack) and just walk out to my car/ train depot/ airport and take the hell off! Yep. It's that impulse. Normalized. Like explosive anger normalized with daily physical activity, regular timeouts, and periodic safe venting. It takes a thing which lies, coiled in wait, for a trigger to set off... And gives it safe venting. And when it does kick off? A well worn path to flow down (time to either take a drive, or go on a mini-vacay, etc.) instead of the nuclear option of simply walking away from your life.
Melody coates
Silver Member
i've actually ended friendships cuz those people put me on edge. I don't feel safe around them
Upside Down Eagle
Diamond Member
I tend to flee and then stay away from people (the ones I had an issue with) as long as possible. But I don't have kids or a relationship so it's easier for me. Last time I did, I was suicidal and I stayed away most of the evening and part of the night, scaring the shit out of the people I was fleeing from.
Maybe you can make it into a time-out? Like you tell them you need to stay away for a bit. And then maybe you could go for a walk or some other kind of physical exercise because that helps liberate emotions. You could work on reducing the time and distance you flee to as well.
Maybe you can make it into a time-out? Like you tell them you need to stay away for a bit. And then maybe you could go for a walk or some other kind of physical exercise because that helps liberate emotions. You could work on reducing the time and distance you flee to as well.
Yes, I did this many, many times. I so thank the peeps who kept me safe through this time.
D
Deleted member 1860
I've done the same in the past. People would try to get me to stop, but they didn't realize that was my extreme way of stepping out of the situation. I still have the luxury (ha) of being able to go anywhere and do anything whenever I want as I'm single with no kids, but I have pretty much eliminated my Houdini routine.
I think the key may be to learn the signs that you're getting overwhelmed and at that point take a mini time out. That is, learn to recognize when the stress is building, and don't wait for it to get to a point where you run away from home.
I think the key may be to learn the signs that you're getting overwhelmed and at that point take a mini time out. That is, learn to recognize when the stress is building, and don't wait for it to get to a point where you run away from home.
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It always blows my mind how we are similar. I got the urge to flee Sunday, quarreling with mate in car. Wanted to get out of the car, NOW. He wouldn't let me. I was pissed and then later thankful. I flee when I feel my security threatened, real or imagined. Happens about 3-4x/year. Such a drag, however with most symptoms I have found that recognizing a new PTSD pattern, identifying and naming it to my loved ones helps a lot. Thank you all.
theotherside
Silver Member
I freeze then cry (cry is an understatement) and flee (as in run for my life)...then I want to self harm...Fear based and scary. Family watching or strangers around...does not matter. in that moment I'm running for my life and don't see anything just terrorized and running. This only happens in public, outside, away from home...at home if I become scared I go numb
Simple fight/ flight response. Fight, flight. It's a learned response to a trigger, a person who is triggering you. You can learn a new response to replace it. I tried just imagining myself as large, taller, and powerful, (to change my self-perception away from feeling 'small, powerless to change') and I just said, "I don't want to fight or argue with you right now. [Calmly, taking a distracting/enjoyable task to do.] I'm going to be in here for a while. And I give myself a time out to clean something, read, or perhaps go with one of the kids, reading a story, in the other room. I decide NOT to feel so bad that I need to fight/flight. Worked a charm. (as @Solara said, take a time-out.) What's amazing is that it's so simple, when it works. If a new flashback it going to hit, and I'm ready for it, this Won't Work, as I'm supposed to let it come and process it.
This is key, Solara is right. You have to see it coming and learn to re-direct your response.
Otherwise, you head right into the 4F's: Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn brain high-jinks that are attached to the past response to trauma. That repeating trigger-response tape is miserable and non-therapeutic. Better to head it off at the pass for old, replaying, non-revealing "trauma type tapes."
(That said, I believe it's necessary to occasionally, with support, to have a therapeutic "mini-let it happen" cycle through when a new layer or trauma is ready to reveal itself and be processed and integrated. It's a subjective opinion of mine. Anthony posted an exposure therapy diary that can elicit this, and work with it. And I believe EMDR is meant to elicit these therapeutic flashbacks. These are always to be done with a skilled and TRUSTED supporter/therapist, and should not be elicited on one's own or without positive resources/coping skills well in hand.)
If a totally new, unrecovered feeling state or flashback comes to me, rather than push it down, I now can to "get it out" and let myself feel and remember. Then, I use my handy "13 flashback management" tips from Pete Walker's site to the best of my ability. I have learned to use breathing, drinking cold water, moving, and changing body position, looking at the clock, labeling the flashback and its body sensations and emotions, and self-compassion/soothing to process flashbacks FASTER and DEEPER. Once this is done, a healthy, mild grieving state will ensure for a few weeks, in which I will feel sad for what I had to go through. I will attach it to other memories that match the label, and I will integrate the memory of that trauma into my normal memory, feeling the feelings, crying a bit, and talking to my supporters a bit, just a little here and there, until I don't think about it anymore. Then, I don't have to feel or repeat those flashbacks again. They have passed out of the unconscious into the conscious.
As Solara mentioned, it is critical to first recognize when you are having an emotional flashback OR you are triggered to the point of the 4F's in your body.
This is a challenge because for emotional flashbacks, there is no visual content. It's just a suddenly strong, overwhelming emotion state that seems justified by the trigger, which is often internal more than external. It can be a facial expression, so minute, that it's hard to pinpoint. A phrase, a tone of voice, a word, or a sound/smell. Often, the trigger is a feeling that has been trying to come up inside (emotional abandonment/lack of empathy/ for instance) that the current situation is triggering even more, until it just boils over.
I used to have to feel ALL the old stuff, but not therapeutically, and without having a support person. I'd trigger, flare, not be able to cry, drive, smoke, drive until I'm more scared of where I am compared to home, and then head home and crash in bed in the night, sometimes with a glass or two of wine and benedryl (self-medicating).
Same as you, I had a little one and a husband. He triggers me a lot, as an adult male. No stopping that, but I can work on my self-perception changes and change my response to the trigger. I can also now take Rx meds as needed that work better and are not bad for me (not depressants.)
Sometimes, though, it happens that a new layer of the trauma onion is exposed, and the learning starts over, but some of the "tricks" work on new layers, too. Or they can be adapted. Whatever works for one trigger will often work for another, for me. Repurposing the coping skills. (Again, now when I find "new stuff to remember and process, I just go for it and let it come, if I have my supporter, meds, water and such to hand. Then, I grieve it for the few weeks after and use my Flashback coping sheet from Pete Walker that works well for me.)
Anyone else use the same coping skills for different/new flashback types and responses? Hope this helps!
This is key, Solara is right. You have to see it coming and learn to re-direct your response.
Otherwise, you head right into the 4F's: Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn brain high-jinks that are attached to the past response to trauma. That repeating trigger-response tape is miserable and non-therapeutic. Better to head it off at the pass for old, replaying, non-revealing "trauma type tapes."
(That said, I believe it's necessary to occasionally, with support, to have a therapeutic "mini-let it happen" cycle through when a new layer or trauma is ready to reveal itself and be processed and integrated. It's a subjective opinion of mine. Anthony posted an exposure therapy diary that can elicit this, and work with it. And I believe EMDR is meant to elicit these therapeutic flashbacks. These are always to be done with a skilled and TRUSTED supporter/therapist, and should not be elicited on one's own or without positive resources/coping skills well in hand.)
If a totally new, unrecovered feeling state or flashback comes to me, rather than push it down, I now can to "get it out" and let myself feel and remember. Then, I use my handy "13 flashback management" tips from Pete Walker's site to the best of my ability. I have learned to use breathing, drinking cold water, moving, and changing body position, looking at the clock, labeling the flashback and its body sensations and emotions, and self-compassion/soothing to process flashbacks FASTER and DEEPER. Once this is done, a healthy, mild grieving state will ensure for a few weeks, in which I will feel sad for what I had to go through. I will attach it to other memories that match the label, and I will integrate the memory of that trauma into my normal memory, feeling the feelings, crying a bit, and talking to my supporters a bit, just a little here and there, until I don't think about it anymore. Then, I don't have to feel or repeat those flashbacks again. They have passed out of the unconscious into the conscious.
As Solara mentioned, it is critical to first recognize when you are having an emotional flashback OR you are triggered to the point of the 4F's in your body.
This is a challenge because for emotional flashbacks, there is no visual content. It's just a suddenly strong, overwhelming emotion state that seems justified by the trigger, which is often internal more than external. It can be a facial expression, so minute, that it's hard to pinpoint. A phrase, a tone of voice, a word, or a sound/smell. Often, the trigger is a feeling that has been trying to come up inside (emotional abandonment/lack of empathy/ for instance) that the current situation is triggering even more, until it just boils over.
I used to have to feel ALL the old stuff, but not therapeutically, and without having a support person. I'd trigger, flare, not be able to cry, drive, smoke, drive until I'm more scared of where I am compared to home, and then head home and crash in bed in the night, sometimes with a glass or two of wine and benedryl (self-medicating).
Same as you, I had a little one and a husband. He triggers me a lot, as an adult male. No stopping that, but I can work on my self-perception changes and change my response to the trigger. I can also now take Rx meds as needed that work better and are not bad for me (not depressants.)
Sometimes, though, it happens that a new layer of the trauma onion is exposed, and the learning starts over, but some of the "tricks" work on new layers, too. Or they can be adapted. Whatever works for one trigger will often work for another, for me. Repurposing the coping skills. (Again, now when I find "new stuff to remember and process, I just go for it and let it come, if I have my supporter, meds, water and such to hand. Then, I grieve it for the few weeks after and use my Flashback coping sheet from Pete Walker that works well for me.)
Anyone else use the same coping skills for different/new flashback types and responses? Hope this helps!
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