Childhood At what age should children stop showering with a parent?

[littleoc]

I agree with @Friday -- it's not the age, it's the intent.

My family was often forced to shower together due to water problems, but because nothing bad happened, it doesn't matter to us now. It never became trauma. Times I've brushed my teeth in the same bathroom as my mom showering -- maybe a little awkward occasionally but nothing that ever comes up in therapy. In other countries I've managed to shower with complete strangers -- same logic. It doesn't matter if no one is being abusive. It depends on culture and subculture, like Friday says

But if you add someone with awful intentions, then the awful person has made it awful.

Hugs :hug::hug:

 

[Hopeforlife]

I grew up never bathing with my parents and everything was private. We were not even allowed in the bathroom when someone else was there. Maybe it made me more curious when I was being sexually abused. But no one noticed when I was in the bathroom with my abuser! I really think there is a link though. My son is 5 and we have just stopped showering with him. We have been open and honest with him. We stopped showering with him as he is now able to wash himself and knows he can call on us if there is a problem. I have another baby and it’s been easier to all get in the shower together then I don’t need to worry about leaving them unattended when I’m showering. I think by my parents being so private has instilled some sort of unconfidence/negativity about my body. Maybe if I had grew up in a more open family maybe I could have had the confidence to open up about what was happening to me. Sorry if this seems a little off it’s just my thinking.

 

[blackemerald1]

For my children the issue was safety and making sure they actually had a proper wash:banghead: So it was always safety first.

I have to say that being in a shower at 9 or 10 years of age with a male adult might be pushing the limit of appropriate behaviour. However others are correct it is all to be taken in a cultural perspective too.

 

[ILoveLife]

I can shed some light into the cultural differences thing.

My mom and her friends who raised me are nudists. I still am and have no problem being naked on the appropriate beach, hot spring, around the house. This is not abuse.

My father forced me to take a shower in his house for him to watch me. I was a teenager. Also forced me to kiss him on the mouth, while that would be appropriate in some families, it isn't in ours. He was abusive and inappropriate.

 

[hymnless]

So you can’t even say, just because an abuser does it, that it’s abuse. The black & white, something or nothing, just doesn’t work. You have to actually look at their intent. Which is a really gross, really hard thing, to do. To wrap your head around THEY were doing this, for this reason. It’s faaaaaaaaar more attractive (from both personal experience, and observation) to stick outside rules on it.

Woah. That really just blew my mind to reframe it in that way. I appreciate the insight everyone is giving! I know that what I'm doing right now is probably just bargaining but it's really hard to stop.

 

[shimmerz]

The thing is you can be abusive by proxy as well. A parents job is to protect their kids. Period. I used to lose my mind because my ex would allow (and encourage) my 11 year old stepdaughter to shower with her 13 year old brother. I absolutely didn't allow it and always won those arguments. He was negligent, didn't give a shit about protecting her sexuality, and called me a Roman Catholic prude anytime we had this fight. I never backed down.

So I think what I am trying to say is that sexual abuse can happen with a parent - yes - but it can also happen because of a parent. Doesn't make it much different. Children need to be protected and shown proper limits so that they can put them into place when they get older. Being taught appropriate boundaries sexually is super important for kids.

Makes me rethink altogether my getting pissed off at my father when he wouldn't let me go out front of the house with my bathing suit on. It was the right thing for him to do. I just didn't know it at the time.

And honestly? I had three young boys and was a single parent. I have to tell you that I would never ever have considered taking a shower with my kids.

I remember a friend saying one time that she determined the kids were too old when they 'looked' at her when she was in any stage of undress. Their awareness of nudity with the parent is not appropriate.

I think when I look at the scenario put out by Friday is it takes it to a safer level with her example of a community shower. In that case, nobody is alone with anyone and it loses the element of secrecy. There would always be a witness; thus safety.

 

[Csa]

Taking a bath and showering are two different things. If the kid is 2/3 I think it’s okay for a shower. But even a three year old can be watched and instructed on how to properly clean themselves without having a parent in the bath/ shower with them. It’s the same way babysitters help children get ready for bed.
Developmentally 4/5 year olds are capable of independently showering. Boys and girls are different as well. So is every child.

Know you aren’t alone in this type of csa.

 

[hymnless]

of csa.

I hate that I’m not alone in it :-/ at this point I’m just trying to pick up the pieces/put them together. It’s so confusing because (like a lot of others here) I remember so little of my childhood. I guess I don’t really know what to do with it now. I also don’t really want to bring it up to my therapist because we’re in the middle of this awful trauma timeline and I’d rather not circle back a decade... again....

 

[Mee]

I guess culture has a LOT to do with it. I was frequently in no more than a swimming costume away from home. Infact, I had a strong aversion to much more than bikini bottoms for a long time.

Close family friends were nudists and I actually feel this non sexualised comfort with their bodies was part of what was very protective against trauma for me as a child. I remember having a shower with the mother and my friend when I was nine and feeling incredibly safe, mothered and loved. Other times her grandmother would come with us to shower. I loved family holidays with them. I also think seeing different bodies was helpful and healthy . ( their teen son was always dressed by his choice and never pressured)

At school after sports we shared showers ( female , open fronted single occupant designed cubicals ) throughout school because there were not enough for us to shower and get dressed in time. I DID feel uncomfortable in this setting because girls were not always kind, at all. Were people kinder I would have been ok with it. ( iwould have my own shower head but would have been ok with open shower space .... no touching! ).

I have chatted to many friends while they shower or bath and they me, I do not feel violated by this. I would not d this with someone where there were some sort of sexual tension or potential for inappropriate attraction, but getting ready to go out together , sure. When we roomed together, definitely . Nudity is not for me ‘inappropriate’. Now..... I possibly would not but I see that as a feature of my ptsd rather than a belief shift .

 

[ILoveLife]

I actually feel this non sexualised comfort with their bodies was part of what was very protective against trauma for me as a child

Exactly, me too.
I don't automatically associate nudity and sexuality. I associate it with the beach.

 

[Mee]

Exactly, me too.
I don't automatically associate nudity and sexuality. I associate it with the beach.[/Q...

For me not just the beach but that’s ok :). I just think if we maintain the argument that it’s not the victims’ fault in attire ever .... we cannot also blame nudity, or have opinion on burkas.

I think the showering thing is not dependent on an ‘age’.

My partner bathed till quite late with his dad because they had not much hot water and this was a time they listened to music together. I remember those showers with my friends mothers so fondly:) But had she not been safe they would gave been wrong at any age, yet could still be innocent now.

A friend of mine pops in to give her 13 year old son drinks while he bathes and I don’t think it's ’dirty’ in the least but I do think her spoiling of him is a whole different issue!

 

[Deleted member 8714]

My father, my main perpetrator and a pedophile and serial killer, forced me to take showers with him after he murdered people. It started off innocently at age 3 when I visited him. I only knew how to bathe in the bathtub so I needed his help in the shower. Then it escalated to unwanted, inappropriate touching. As I got older he made me stand naked next to him during a kill and afterward sodomized me in the shower.

In my mind, murder, sex, and showers are all intertwined. Taking a shower now is like walking through a swamp of land mines; I never know what part of the showering will trigger some memory.