Attachment Issues

[Pencil]

She just wants to be with you! As much of you as you can muster the courage to give.

I know, and I so badly want to give more of myself. And so I'll keep on looking for a way to heal. At least she doesn't have any deficit in the area of affection and physical contact. She still sleeps with me, and says she will NEVER sleep in her own bed. She has never been exposed to violence or chaos. She knows I'm always there.

There are many things I know I do right.

@Eleanor: I have told her that it's my 'hormones' that sometimes make me impatient and awful. A few weeks ago I was in a shit state. She wrote 'Calm down' on paper and held it up to me while I was ranting. I stopped immediately, and she said: 'Yes, calm down, it's only your hormones'. So I went from ranting to cuddling in 2 seconds flat.

 

[Eleanor]

She wrote 'Calm down' on paper and held it up to me while I was ranting. I stopped immediately, and she said: 'Yes, calm down, it's only your hormones'. So I went from ranting to cuddling in 2 seconds flat.

Way to go, Pencil and Daughter! Wowza.

So here is why you are not psychotic from lack of physical contact, because you get ALOT from your little one - sleeping counts. Social animals sleep together. It is important (IMHO)

oops.gotta go...

 

[Pencil]

When you feel yourself pull away from her, perhaps you can ground yourself by rubbing her head or looking into her eyes and keep yourself in the here and now?

Rumors

There are significant differences between boys and girls, and I was wondering if you have power struggles with your son.

I find that when I'm really uptight, or stressed, or want to 'get lost inside my head', and my daughter traps me in a power struggle, I want to RUN! Screaming.

Do you ever feel like that?

 

[Rumors]

Describe a power struggle? I am not sure.

 

[Pencil]

Describe a power struggle?

Behaving like a donkey, in plain language. In other words, working against me instead of cooperating. Let me give an example: she's watching tv, I want to lie down. She wants to lie down with me. Great, but I ask her to chill - i.e. not jump around, bump into me, poke me, or do things that make me uncomfortable (and send my stress levels off the charts), and then she will do exactly that. So, I get up. Which makes her feel rejected. Then I feel crap, but still need the time out to get myself to a level where I can engage with her, and so we go round and round till I think I'm about to have a stroke.

 

[Rumors]

Ah, yes! We have those moments too! I read a parenting book one time about those moments and followed what they suggested and to my disbelief it works! So, my kid does the same thing with trying to sit still, it must be universal! So, I say to him, "hey bud, I am tired and need to lie down for a bit. You can either lie down with me, read a book, or watch tv for a bit, your choice. However, if you are going to lie down with me, you have to sit still. It is your choice." If he snuggles up with me and moves around, I just tell him that part of this deal was that he had to sit still and if he can't then he can move to the couch or wherever.

Kids are smart little creatures. They push their boundaries like crazy. Usually if I try not to dictate and give him the opportunity to make a choice, he will make the right one. I preach to him that life is about choices so try and make good ones!

I have had enough power struggle in my life and marriage that I REALLY make it where I don't have that in my parental relationship. I am not saying that I don't have to put my foot down on occasion, however I have found on the small things that giving him the choice to determine his path makes him feel the ultimate responsibility for his choice and in turn alleviates the tug if war! BUT, I think boys are easier than girls!!!

 

[Pencil]

I just tell him that part of this deal was that he had to sit still and if he can't then he can move to the couch or wherever.

But that's when my daughter starts to argue, or agrees only to start acting like a monkey again only two minutes later. And when I TELL her to get off (after an initial agreement) she WAILS or argues, or tries to renegotiates, whatever ... and I don't get my time out :banghead:

Some parents make it look so easy!

 

[Rumors]

Once again, boundaries. They are good at pushing them! But I promise you if you consistently stand by the options you gave HER that SHE had the opportunity to choose from, she will eventually figure out that that the only person paying attention to her tantrums are her.

It is REALLY hard for me to communicate in a positive manner when mine does that but I always just say, "I love you bud but this was our choice and you were given an opportunity. Next time you have the opportunity I am guessing you will make a better choice." Then, I bite my lip and go about my time bc I really want to say, "how much clearer can it be!!!!" I can tell you I did that like three times and now, he chooses his path on his own and follows it without ANY question. It is really nice bc it has alleviated just about all argumentative discussions we have. I can't think of the last time he was scolded for anything.

Also, I made home sign a contract for computer time and tv time. In order for him to have those luxuries he must first do "chores" around the house. He has specific duties with days and times he is supposed to do them so there is no question about what is to be done. If it takes him longer to do his duties, hey that's just cutting into his play time so he gets it done!!! But, he is an amazing little boy and wise beyond his years. All of these things we do, he and I sat down and discussed at great length. I said to him one day, "I don't like to argue with you about stuff so how can we both eliminate arguing and feel like we are both being heard?" You know, it is amazing how smart they are if you give them the opportunity! I was amazed at his responses and learned a lot by that conversation. It was truly his idea to give him some choices and to make an agreement on his chores.

For someone like me who does not communicate well, one in depth conversation really made a difference!!! But, you have to stick by what you agree on and make her stick by it too! Even if you write it down and sign it like a contract!!!

You are a great mom! She is testing you! Clarify your boundaries and hers!!! You have got this sister!!!

BOYS ARE EASIER!!!

 

[Pencil]

BOYS ARE EASIER!!!

:D

Yes, thanks for that! And I'm not consistently an adult, and with hectic physiological disregulation, it would be terribly unfair of me to try and get her to stick to any pattern or time time while I can't. I have absolutely no patterns, and have tried time-tables etc, but to no avail - so I've given up on routine. My poor baby!

 

[Rumors]

I am not consistently an adult either, Pencil. However, it is amazing that when put into place, I don't have to be. Now, if I am having a bad day, my son does his work without question bc it is habit and finds the time to chip in elsewhere. He reminds me that I clean up his throw up when he is sick so he can help me clean up the kitchen when I feel poorly.

I have found that routine helps me not be anxious. I have worked hard at maintaining a normal routine for myself. I struggle with it often but I try to stay on track. I also remind myself Rome wasn't built in a day and I need to take baby steps. Too much change or self improvement for me leaves me feeling insecure and and anxious. I have spent the last 8 years trying to read and make small positive parental changes and I am still not there but I do them as I can. My ultimate goal is for my son to hit 30 and not need decades of therapy bc his parents were messed up. Or, when he realizes his parents were messed up he has the right coping skills to deal with it!!! ;)

 

[Pencil]

I have tried so many years to get a kind of routine going, but have failed repeatedly and miserably. I distinctlly remember my last two years at school when I simply fell into a pattern - and how amazed I was even at the time, and how much easier it made my life. I'm constantly battling utter chaos!

I'm not arguing with you, or telling you that my situation is hopeless. This conversation simply reminds me of something I know - but seem to have forgotten again, which is that many of life's irritating bits disappear when there is a basic structure underneath everything. Strangely enough, there is one area where I consistently get it right - cupboards! No matter how chaotic and messy things become, cupboards and bookshelves are ALWAYS ordered and tidy - and organised according to a system that makes sense to me. Now how do I get it right there, and nowhere else? Perhaps because there isn't that much traffic there. I don't know, I'll have to think about this and somehow find a solution. The main problem is that when I slide into chaos, I'm NOT aware of it.

My daughter didn't go to school today - I was up way too late (simply not tired) so I overslept so badly this morning I did not even hear the alarm, and so ..... Shit!!

 

[Rumors]

I think you have to start with achievable goals. I don't think you can go from unstructured to total structured in a day. Start with something simple like eating dinner at the same times everyday then move to going to bed and getting up at the same times. In my life it was very gradual and don't think I have perfected it or even got it right in any stretch. What I do works for me but may not work for anyone else. That is the beautiful part about it all, structure your life how it makes sense to you and makes you most healthy. It takes a lot of self truth to look at the things you have to improve on. That was the hardest for me bc I wanted to make an excuse why I should be allowed a pass but in reality I was only hurting myself. Once I realized there would be no change for the better unless I changed, I started facing some harsh realities about myself. Not fun!

I still have chaos. I don't think you have life without some sort of chaos but it has lessened as I have moved forward with a plan. It was hard looking at myself though. I still do and still have LOTS and LOTS of things that I need to improve but I just take baby steps in trying to get there. Until then, I support myself, my chaos, my resilience to get it right, my ability to eff it up, and my desire to do it for my son.

That is just my experience for me not a diatribe on "how to" do it. I don't know! I am merely sharing my journey as an experience to share. Life is hectic and I haven't walked a mile in your shoes. I don't have the financial worry you have and I have been able to stay in therapy although sometimes not by choice but by necessity!!! I have wanted to quit 1,000 times!!! I can't imagine what being a single parent feels like. The entire burden is on you!!! I at least have a tag team member, you don't!! I can't imagine! Sending you tons of support and encouragement as you work this out and find your way! Hang in there!!!!!