Avoidance Vs Healthy Boundaries

[Deleted member 1860]

I am really struggling with knowing what is avoidance and what is setting a healthy boundary. Throw in a guilt complex and things get messy.

I have been doing really well the last week or so with not abusing my meds. Today I was agitated, was able to fight through much of it. I woke up a few hours ago in a state of panic. It's been awhile since that's happened so I decided to take some Ativan to help, so tomorrow is ok. I think it was spurned on by texts from two people I'm trying to move away from.

So I want to change my phone number. I think it will help as I won't panic when I get a text or call because none of those people who agitate me will have my number. And we're talking anyone from my former best friend from middle school whom I ended things with because she threatened me with violence, to guys who won't take no for an answer, to the guy who sent me into full blown PTSD almost 4 years ago.

So where do you draw the line between setting healthy boundaries and avoidance? I feel that I'm avoiding things, that I should be strong enough to deal with these unwanted texts and calls. But the truth is that I want to cut ties for good and move on. Impossible to do when these people all have my phone number.

I know my panic tonight was phone related because as soon as I jolted awake I grabbed my phone. I hate those wake from a dead sleep panic attacks!

 

[Shellbell]

I don't have any advice on the avoidance/healthy boundaries as I'm not good at this either, so I'm also interested in the responses you will get.

Changing your phone number sounds like a great idea and then you will only have calls/texts from the people you want in your life.

And that's great you are still doing well with not abusing your meds :)

 

[p-no]

I feel that I'm avoiding things, that I should be strong enough to deal with these unwanted texts and calls.

If I take this literal and serious, I think you may be saying you are not strong enough (yet) to deal with these unwanted texts and calls. If you are not, changing your phone number may be a good option (if you don't do that every other month (look who's talking!!! :D)).

But the truth is that I want to cut ties for good and move on. Impossible to do when these people all have my phone number.

See, and after changing my number five times :bag: over the last year, I realised that it is possible (even though it may not feel like it and even though it may not feel good) to do when these people all have my phone number. I would compare this one a bit to threads on here that have a negative effect on me: As soon as I sense that negative effect, I decide whether I want to surf away, want to move on to something that does not have a negative effect on me, but a positive one. If a title already has me go off inside, I will decide right there and then whether or not I really want to read the posts. Sometimes I do want to read them anyways, out of interest in the topic, sometimes I don't.

I think the most important thing to learn (with regard to the "phone problem") is that those texts and calls are not in your control. They are merely knocks on your door from someone who does not have a key to your home and therefore knocks. As with people knocking on your door: no need whatsoever to open! Same goes for threads that make you feel uncomfortable: no need whatsoever to read them! Especially if you really do not want to stay in touch and really want to move on. Even if the other persons wrote more texts being p**sed about you not replying: delete unread. You have no obligation to keep in touch in any way with anyone you do not want to.

After phone number change #5, I signed up for a contract that will be valid for two years with no option for cancellation. This way, no chickening out for me anymore but facing that texts are texts and calls are calls. Knocks on your door that you can decide whether you want to open to or not. Tough one, but getting better feelings wise. To me, the real problem is dealing with the feelings that come up when I receive an unwanted text. My problem is not not replying. Could that be somewhat true for you as well?

 

[saffy]

what is avoidance and what is setting a healthy boundary

Hi scaredoflonely

There is definately a difference between the both.

I think by learning to set bounderies you make things clearer for yourself and others. What you will and will not put up with. Take the constant unwanted texts, for instance, you certainly do not want to put up with them, setting bounderies will let the others know that. If they continue to disrespect your bounderies then you can cut them out to avoid them doing it again. The difference is if you avoided it it would continue and no-one would know your bounderies. We all have the power of what we do with our texts, calls ect. Even ignoring and deleting them is based on your bounderies not on avoidance. I hope that makes sense.

I read this I hope it helps:

The ability to set boundaries -- to take care of yourself -- begins with the belief that your "self" is worth caring for.
If you've learned that taking care of yourself results in conflict, rejection, or abandonment, it's likely that you will avoid when you need to set a boundary, rather than take the risk. Plus you've likely had a shortage of good role models. Most adults tend to fall into one of two categories: Bulldozers or Doormats.
Read more: [DLMURL="http://www.all-things-conflict-resolution-and-adr.com/All-Things-Setting-Boundaries.html#ixzz2BX5b11xd"]Understanding the Need to Set Boundaries To Resolve Conflict[/DLMURL] [DLMURL="http://www.all-things-conflict-resolution-and-adr.com/All-Things-Setting-Boundaries.html#ixzz2BX5b11xd"]http://www.all-things-conflict-resolution-and-adr.com/All-Things-Setting-Boundaries.html#ixzz2BX5b11xd[/DLMURL]​

I hope this helps :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think changing your phone number is an excellent idea. You can learn to blow off people by not paying any attention to them at all in any way. The best way to end contact is to have no contact. I know you can do this for yourself because you are worth it.

When you do not want contact with someone you stop paying attention to them and fade them out of your life. It gets easier with practice but it is really hard at first. I wish you the best. Good luck.

 

[Sues]

I changed my cell number because the anxiety I was having over worrying about my ex calling me was too much. I felt better afterward and I knew it was the right thing to do.

I'm just beginning here, so I still avoid a lot of things and I never really thought of this issue of avoidance vs boundaries. So I'm finding this thread very informative.

 

[Katz2]

This is new to me too, I would change your number.

At the moment I've started to see an old friend, and it is brings up all old stuff, I thought I could work through it but it's too much just now, so I'm going to take a step back, till things have calmed down for me.

I'm not sure if this helps you, but I thought I would share.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It costs you nothing to walk away.

 

[saffy]

I tend to keep the numbers so that if they try and I ignore it then I know they are truely not important in my life and are having no effect on it at all,. After all I am the only one who can stop it. I can change the way I think about it. I do have the choice in letting it upset me or not. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Katz2]

You know just rereading all the comments on here, I really like the different angles of help, and I personally like this, because it comes from like mineded people. Hope all the comments on here have helped you to make your mind up to the next step for you to take :)

 

[Abstract]

I am not sure I can differentiate the two sometimes either. :confused:

Also not sure if putting your foot down with them directly or changing your number is best but ether way I see this issue of yours as a boundary issue.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Saffy how do you choose to not let it upset you? I really want to know. This could help me with my own boundry issues.