Catlovers141
Confident
Content note: discussion of sexuality, mostly in general, non-graphic terms.
Back story: I'm 28 and female, and was sexually abused as a young child (3-ish years old) by a relative who did not live with me.
I have never had a romantic relationship in my life, nor have I ever gone on a date. I am trying to figure out if this is because of a true preference or if this is trauma-related. I feel like my trauma experiences are in some ways "etched" into my mind on a neurological level. Whenever I think about going anywhere with a male or having any sort of relationship with one, my mind immediately jumps to risk of sexual assault and abuse. Even if I don't actually think it is likely with that particular person. It seems like my mind is so focused on making sure that my abuse experience never happens again that it is hard to look at anything else. It's like I see that there is a risk of assault so I determine it isn't worth it, even if the risk is small.
I also don't understand how people enjoy sexual relationships. I don't know if I am asexual or if this has to do with trauma, but it seems very unpleasant. I do think a big part of that is that I have never had any consensual sexual contact so my only point of reference is horrific abuse, and since the basic physical acts are the same, it's difficult for me to intuitively understand why someone would want to participate in something sexual. I feel so frustrated and ashamed of myself, like everyone else on the planet understands something that is beyond my capability. People talk about how wonderful sexuality and relationships can be and I'm completely missing out, and I don't feel like I am able to just change that.
I guess I just feel really alone with this, like something is deeply wrong with me. I know other survivors of sexual abuse who are able to at least participate in relationships and sex -- why can't I? I feel so defective. I imagine part of it might have to do with how young I was, the severity of the abuse, etc., but I see others that move through all this and wonder what's wrong with me?
Back story: I'm 28 and female, and was sexually abused as a young child (3-ish years old) by a relative who did not live with me.
I have never had a romantic relationship in my life, nor have I ever gone on a date. I am trying to figure out if this is because of a true preference or if this is trauma-related. I feel like my trauma experiences are in some ways "etched" into my mind on a neurological level. Whenever I think about going anywhere with a male or having any sort of relationship with one, my mind immediately jumps to risk of sexual assault and abuse. Even if I don't actually think it is likely with that particular person. It seems like my mind is so focused on making sure that my abuse experience never happens again that it is hard to look at anything else. It's like I see that there is a risk of assault so I determine it isn't worth it, even if the risk is small.
I also don't understand how people enjoy sexual relationships. I don't know if I am asexual or if this has to do with trauma, but it seems very unpleasant. I do think a big part of that is that I have never had any consensual sexual contact so my only point of reference is horrific abuse, and since the basic physical acts are the same, it's difficult for me to intuitively understand why someone would want to participate in something sexual. I feel so frustrated and ashamed of myself, like everyone else on the planet understands something that is beyond my capability. People talk about how wonderful sexuality and relationships can be and I'm completely missing out, and I don't feel like I am able to just change that.
I guess I just feel really alone with this, like something is deeply wrong with me. I know other survivors of sexual abuse who are able to at least participate in relationships and sex -- why can't I? I feel so defective. I imagine part of it might have to do with how young I was, the severity of the abuse, etc., but I see others that move through all this and wonder what's wrong with me?