Relationship Best guy i ever met-shut me out

[Serendipity424]

You pretty much describe almost every relationship I've ever had. I have PTSD. The thing is, the nature of the beast...

@Abigail7 thank you so much for the advice, I am learning to take things slow. As slow as they need to be. I never met so many kind people opening up and telling me their stories or what they experienced it means a lot. I was in a relationship/married for over 20 years, the last 8 years he lived with me in the basement, never looking at each other talking to each other or being intimate with each other. Believe me I know how to have patience. I never cheated on him even when we were not together and he still lived with me. I was lonely but had my girls to take care of, they came first. Then I met him.....I didn't contact him, he pursued me, I told him he was too young and he continued talking to me, texting me, telling me I was everything he always wanted.....he pulled me into his world? Why me when I didn't want it, I told him I couldn't have my heart broken again....he said he said I was like no other, I was the answer to his prayers...not matter what this ride would be amazing. Why? Why pursue someone if you know deep down you can't give them what they need? He drew me in and now I don't want anything else, is that bad? I am much older than him, he said none of it mattered that he wanted to take care of my kids and wanted me to be a part of his kids life. I just can't turn my back right now, I will give him space. I know how to handle that. I just can't handle now knowing if he will come back to me.

 

[joeylittle]

Why? Why pursue someone if you know deep down you can't give them what they need?

Because you are addicted to that first rush of attachment, but all done once it's gone.

Plenty of people do this - not just people with PTSD.

Sorry, but it's the truth.

 

[Serendipity424]

@joeylittle
So it's gone the day after he says I am falling in love with you?? I get after the first rush and things calm down but Monday last week he said he was falling in love with me... and that the end of the rush telling someone you are "so falling in love with them" if you can't commit or have no intentions of loving someone then something like that should never be said whether you are dealing with PTSD or not. You can't go around telling others you are in love with them. I told him not to let me fall, he said he would catch me and would never hurt the one person who made him feel good about himself. There are success stories and I am willing to take the chance of getting my heart broken until I know for sure he didn't mean these things.

 

[Sighs]

Yup. That's the push-pull of PTSD. He got close, he said some things. Then he felt vulnerable so he's pushed hard away from that. No doubt he did mean those things at the time. But right now? He can't even bear to contact you.

Do not wait around hoping things will get better. They won't. If you're ok with a "relationship" that consists of the occasional virtual contact then by all means. But if you think he'll suddenly "come to his senses" you will be disappointed.

I'm going to bow out of this thread now because I sense these realistic answers from those in long term IRL relationships with PTSD sufferers are not what you want to hear.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I haven't read all of the replies here so just coming from my own experience.

First off, I want to commend you for wanting to hang on. That is sweet and nothing I have been given, even with my own family.

That said, I am very concerned how wrapped you are with him. You are pushing your own needs away and to be able to have a healthy relationship, you need to look after you before him. You should always be first in your own mind. And I am concerned that you aren't.

Personally, I push everyone away. And when I come back its insanely difficult if not impossible to explain why. So if he does come back, don't expect to be advised why he left to begin with. I don't even know why I did it many times. The Stress Cup is the biggest example of why I push people away. I also dipped out of relationships, only to start a new one. Not saying he has, just saying I did. I have stopped dating due to that but I have hope that it is possible to have a relationship and PTSD at the same time. Many do. But that will not happen if you don't pile on a ton of self care first and create strong boundries! This will all crumble eventually if you do not do those two things. Boundries help me as well. It allows me to sort of guide myself along those boundries. If I had free reign to do whatever I wanted, man the bitch I would be! I'm just saying, as a sufferer, I am seeing disaster a mile away here!

 

[dulcia]

@Serendipity424, when I first joined this forum, I was defensive of my vet and of my relationship. I still am sometimes, but not nearly as much. I understand that it can be hard to hear a lot of the replies you are getting, especially when a lot of them are telling you to get out while you can. I received a lot of the same responses to my first posts. Just try and keep in mind when reading through these responses that no one here stands to benefit from you and your guy breaking up and never talking again. No one here has a stake in whether or not this relation ship works out or not. No one here, except for you. Generally, people in this forum aren't excited when PTSD relationships fail, because most everyone here knows how much that hurts and how hard it can be. But what everyone on here does know is how hard a continued PTSD relationship can be and how much that can hurt, too.

I can't speak for everyone, but please don't take their comments as trying to convince you to break up, and then dismiss what they have to say. There is a lot of good advice here, whether you agree with what people are saying or not. If you are feeling to defensive of your relationship to soak all this information up right now, that's okay. I've been there. I tried to delete my account after the comments I received on my first posts....but then I immediately tried to come back when I realized that people weren't commenting to try and hurt me or to force me to break up with my boyfriend. They were just trying to give me the tools to protect myself (and my boyfriend, in the long run) by sharing their advice and their own experiences in the best way they knew how.

 

[dulcia]

@Mariposa Verde, you may benefit from reading my comment^ as well.

 

[Serendipity424]

@Serendipity424, when I first joined this forum, I was defensive of my vet and of...

@tiredtexan I welcome all advice and everyone's point of view and how they handle their friend, boyfriend, husband, wife. I am not sure if he will ever come back to me. I know the last few texts were not what I would have liked to hear even though he said he misses talking to me. Right now I am trying not to think about texting him or hearing from him....very tough that he blocked me out over a miscommunication during a phone call. However I think other things that were happening a few days before and even that day spiraled out of control and he needed to be alone. He said in texts many times he knew it would not always be Rainbows and Sunshine but we were perfect and it was worth it with me.... well this is one of those not so sunny times. I think I texted him too much but I wanted him to know he was worth so much and to know I am here. It didn't help and now I regret it. I will not text him again, well I will not say never just not anytime soon hoping he knows I am here no matter what. Without him wanting treatment or taking any medication I know this will just be a huge disaster but I don't want to go away completely. I will remind him every few weeks I am here. He told me he had PTSD right away but never once mentioned anything else or how it affected relationships or how he needed space. I should have asked him, I didn't know what to expect and now I may have pushed him further away. I care alot.....I care so much I am willing to do whatever is best for him. Everyone's advice has been read and taken in, which is alot. I just hope he doesn't forget me:-( goosebumps......... which is always what he said I gave him just came over me when I said I hope he does not forget me. I will be sad and I know time will heal but I will never forget the most beautiful soul I seen in him. XO.

 

[dulcia]

Sorry if you mentioned this already, but do you know what his PTSD diagnosis stems from? If you don't mind me asking.

 

[Serendipity424]

Sorry if you mentioned this already, but do you know what his PTSD diagnosis stems from? If you don'...

Combat PTSD...... :-(

 

[LuckiLee]

It has taken J and I 5 years of extremely hard work to get where we are today. The day he told me about his PTSD is the day I started researching. At this point I know more about it than he does.

Therapy is very important for him to navigate through this awful disorder. There really isn't anything you can do for him . He has to do the work!

You're taking this shut out personally and it's NOT about you. It's about him. You say he has nobody there for him. My guess is that's just the way he wants it.

Again, good luck and prayers for your Veteran!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree with @tiredtexan... nobody is trying to be negative or malicious @Serendipity424. We're trying to help, honestly.

PTSD relationships are very very hard. You can't "love him through the hard times." Love does not conquer all. You could be the most perfect girlfriend in the universe. Do every single thing right. Be as patient as a saint. Have the most romantic love affair known to man... It won't mean things are going to work. The truth is, he has a mental illness. That mental illness is going to rule the roost. He can't control it, and neither can you. If he is symptomatic, anything can happen.

He can say all the lovey dovey things one day and not love you the next. Emotional numbing is a symptom. He may not be able to feel anything.

Sure there are success stories on here about long lost sufferers returning... but for every one of those, there are probably 30 that work out differently. We have examples of supporters who have hung on for years waiting on their sufferer to come back. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. When we're throwing out questions that seem mean or negative, we're trying to get you to consider other things besides "he loves me, he'll be back, it's just the PTSD and he'll feel better soon." Everybody wants it to just be the PTSD and he'll be better soon. It's not that a lot of the times. Sometimes it has nothing to do with PTSD at all, and it's just garden variety relationship issues. You cannot know what is going on in his head. You have to be ready to accept things, and accept you may not know why or get any closure. If not, you will make yourself nuts.

The supporters who make it work have some things in common. Firstly, they have sufferers who also put effort into the relationship. They may not be able to do much, but they try. They are healthy enough to be in a relationship. Secondly, the supporting partner lives in reality land. They know what may happen. They understand how PTSD works. They have boundaries. They know what they can and cannot handle in their relationship and look out for their own mental health. Thirdly, there is communication that isn't always pretty, but it's real.

It's not going to look like fairy tale love. It's not about passion, it's about acceptance. It's not about fireworks, it's a slow burn. It's the tortoise, not the hare.

You can't say you'll stay forever no matter what. You have no idea what "what" is yet. I have been with my vet for years, and I can't even say "no matter what". It could be that the relationship turns toxic. I can't do that to myself or him.

Is this making any sense? It's hard to put into words.