Relationship Bf In Crisis Again Ran To Old Gf Pushed Me Away.

[havingfaith]

I am desperate for someone to tell me whether I am holding on to nothing. I am a middle age woman dating for 14 months now a widower. He is the most loving,caring person I have ever met. Always trying to please me and make me happy.

Then the crisis hits. I look back now and we are on our 3rd one.

I do not know if he has been told he has ptsd but as an RN I see the writing on the wall now. But it doesn't scare me, I just feel very alone.

He was acting odd disappeared on Sat. nights when he is usually with me. Started to not text in the morning and not answer calls. I got a gut feeling again when he started the hands shaking in the air when you said his name. Like he would be doing dishes and you call out his name to tell him something he would stop and hands up shaking and say "what"?

My radar went up for my ex cheated. One night I stupidly looked at his phone. Found a text from a woman I had seen on FB earlier in the week. He had helped her fix her washer maybe not there with her but told her how?

I said nothing to him. I wasn't sure what to say I crossed a boundary. Next day I told him and he denied everything and said "it's over" in a text to me. A few days later he started to text me again. I went to his house and he was a mess.

Now story is she is an old friend he dated yrs. ago. He didn't go out with her like I think. A week ago he couldn't imagine life with out me, when I asked him if we were over. But he is still pushing me away. I read that they do this and this is the second time he has done this to me.

His wife left him and his kids and disappeared for weeks on end. He got tired of it so filed for divorce. When it came time for court he found out she had CA. He took her home and took care of her and fell in love with her again. She died 18 months later. This was 4 yrs ago. Her birthday and their anniv. is in June when this started.

I need to know if the little signs I see are real or am I holding on to hope? I saw him last night he didn't let me stay over. Today he is vanished again. Any advice on what to say or what not to say will be appreciated. I am starting to doubt myself.

thank you

 

[havingfaith]

I woke up to a text from him. Telling me how he thinks of me all the time. Then another later that was affectionate something he is not always when in his meltdown.

Then I see her fb and there it is all written out what she did yesterday and I know he was with her. This might just be my insecurity for having been cheated on in my marriage.

He made a comment in a text today that has me wondering if he even knows why he goes into these meltdowns at this time of yr and in the fall. I sent him an email it was from this site a page that someone wrote about Understanding. He said it meant a lot to him. He doesn't have the answers it's just one day at a time.

He wrote to me Tues. night that he is afraid of losing things. That I know him better than anyone and that scares him. That I say he is scared of commitment and he says he is scared of losing period.

I guess i need to find a book on this so I can understand what he is dealing with. Part of me wants to just be tough and tell him. All the time and energy you waste being afraid of losing me and your parents could be spent with us.

Just need to go on with my life. If he is meant to be he will fly home. If he is not then it was a lesson learned and some happy memories but too many sad. I can't fix him. You can't help someone who won't accept your help. I don't even know what to say to him. I shower him with kindness and care.

 

[Noa]

It sounds like being with him is more of a roller-coaster ride then a relationship. you have a kind heart and are maybe too forgiving, even if its hurting you. Maybe you should move on before you get too invovled and really get hurt.

I'm not sure what this meant: "Then I see her fb and there..."

From what you write, it seems very likely that he is seeing other women.

Even if there are magical moments with him, is it worth it, if the rest of the time he's unpredictable?

You wrote this post a few weeks ago, I'd like to know if anything has changed since then.

 

[havingfaith]

Well it has been an interesting couple of weeks. He came out of the lost place he was in. He started to talk on the phone and text me and last Sat. he came to my house. He hugged me at the door and I said " I thought I was never going to get to hug you again." He replied with " I could never do that to you". He did not stay long was upset about work again. This is an ongoing issue. We worked on his resume for less than 20 min. that was all he could give it.

The next day he called me said he wanted us to go to his parents for dinner. He realized I was right his mom is in her 80's and it was her birthday last week and this would make her very happy. So we went and had a good time. So I thought. He told me later he was still upset about incident at work and his dad who is his boss didn't believe what had happened.

This week he was attentive and called me and acted back to his old self. Then today it all fell apart. He couldn't work for was too wet to pour concert and the customer was upset. He came home to a broken toilet and something wrong with the dryer and then something about paying his bill late changed his credit score he texted on and on. Would not and has not answered the phone.

I am worried but have decided I am not going over there. He is an adult and he knows that I would be there in 15 minutes if he needed me no matter what time of day or night.

I do believe he is not being honest with me about things. So I am backing up and retreating for a while. It is hurting me inside terribly to do this but, I am a person and I have feelings too. He is so consumed with himself it is like I am not even there when I am with him.

I stayed at his house one night this week. It was a good night too.

I can't help him if he is unwilling to help himself. This is making me very sad.

 

[Noa]

Thank you for the update but you need to also take care of your self. Why don't you start going out by your self or with your girlfriends and enjoy your life. I think you are investing too much in a relationship with a man who is not being honest with you.

 

[havingfaith]

Noa,
I am battling that whole thought of investing too much right now. I can't go out with gf's for they are all married have lives and tell me get rid of him and that is it. They don't know him for we have not gone out with other couples much.

I am here this morning in a very sad state of being. I didn't sleep well, keep tossing the idea of what will happen if I do cut all ties and just not contact him? In my gut I feel he is cheating. I know I need to trust my gut but it is hard.

You can't just stop loving someone. You can't allow them to walk all over you either. He is in a constant state of crisis lately and is not seeking help at all. I did talk to someone but they were not trained in PTSD so could only tell me that his behavior of what he says and how he pushes me away knowing that I will still be there is part of the alcoholic and drug user coming out in him.

He is a mess. But he was my mess who when up and running he made me the happiest I had been in years.
I am on the fence of do I leave or do I just wait it out? I have no desire to look for anyone else and feel I have nothing to give to a relationship for I am so tired. I think that is part of the problem.

I need support to put me back together right now so I can function. I feel depressed and have not felt this way since my divorce 4 years ago.

 

[celia]

Hi Having faith,

The depression and isolation you feel from this will subside. I know that no matter what people tell you, ( no one gets it when it comes to PTSD and what we are dealing with), you have to stop listening to people's opinions because they just don't know. You need to reflect inward with yourself. Don't let your mind tell you negative things. They don't belong to you. If nothing else, think about if there is another woman for one second....they will soon find out he isn't right.

They won't get the satisfaction they need from him either. The fact that he isn't giving YOU what you need is a sure sign you need to be your own friend right now. I have just come through this and I'm still going through my emotions daily. But! I have found that there is a positive world out there full of support when you start caring about yourself. I isolated for a few weeks, second guessing my self worth. I started writing, reading, exercising (yoga is a huge mind body spirit healing, you would be surprised). You will realize that attitudes at work change for you.

There is life for you outside of this relationship. I still love my man deeply, but I am totally worthy of a love that is returned, everyone is. Can you detach from this situation. Keep telling yourself you let this situation go and let destiny take its course. Hope that there will come a day when your man will find himself ....after they have lost everyone....they are left to deal with themselves. I hope that he has a friend who will point him in the direction of getting himself the help he needs. Give this to God or whoever your higher power is. I had to start thinking differently about this situation for myself because I was letting my life go by with no answers. I hope you keep having faith in yourself and have faith he will get what he needs as well. Take care!

 

[Noa]

Why are you worried about his ptsd when you your self are falling apart? Is it worth destroying your life for a few magical moments?

I have ptsd (although a different one) and that is not an accuse to cheat on my partner or lie.

You don't need to cut him out of your life, since you are obviously very attached to him, but you need to make an effort to move on. As a woman I know that if you continue to sleep with him, this cycle won't end, and you won't be able to distance your self.

He is probably seeing other women but will never end it with you since you are so devoted to him.

It is a challenge to have a 'single social life' when all your friends are married, but try. I'm sure there are events for singles in your area.

Let me know how it works out. Remember that You deserve to be happy!

 

[havingfaith]

Celia,
Thank you your words are very comforting. I was told something similar to this by a man who is an addiction counselor and a friend. When I thought I was going to lose it one night I emailed him what had happened and he called me. Told me lots of great info as has everyone here. Now I need to use what works for me and see what happens.

I bought a yoga DVD just last week and need to put it in and focus on something new to learn. Have been gardening my frustrations away. Digging and planting and especially pruning overgrown shrubs is my therapy. I forgot how much I need to do it everyday.

Being quiet and letting him be has been to my advantage. We spent time together yesterday in an unusual way. I painted the shutters on his house against his will. Yes ! He was in crisis over the place not looking good and overgrown area in back and junk by garage and in garage. We had bought the paint in the fall and it got too cold and wet. We had spoke earlier and he got frustrated when I tried to discuss why he turned his phone off and ignored me and didn't show up. Yes I was not smart. Senior moment, menopause lapse of sanity ! He did shed light on why he didn't show up. I had texted him a frustrated sounding text about my son leaving his packet of visa papers in Canada and he was heading back up there and needed them to get back into Canada.

He said " you sounded like you had too many things on your plate and I am a burden." So now it is totally obvious he reacts to my stress levels. I do have periods of stress in my life I can't help that. I will monitor them better and watch what I say to him. Again this leads me back to being in a relationship that the other person can't always be supportive of my needs. This whole thing is a learning experience.

So I got in the car and went to his house ready to paint With Out Him ! Yes and it worked. I painted and he wasn't there had to go into work. He showed up finished his lawn and other things and started to come help and I said "no this is my project you work on what you wanted to do today" He went and cleaned garage until the trash can was full. I did discuss how I felt that he turned off his phone and what I started to think. I came right out and told him that I thought he was with someone else.

Now I am still on the fence with this. He didn't say he was not with anyone. He didn't act all emotional like when I confronted him weeks ago. He said the name of a woman from a long time ago, not the current one? This has me wondering. So I will continue to keep my guard up and slowly figure this out.

If he is finding time to be with someone she is getting not much more than I am. He has no sex drive and until today no affection. I do think someone posted here they run to someone else for there is no emotional attachment.

He was going to come over last night but fell asleep did text me late that he had fallen asleep. He sent a text this a.m. asking what I was doing today? This was unusual so I told him and then asked Do you need me to do something for you? He responded with.
"make some coffee,taking new lease on life, crew is heading to job, they know what to do, meeting them at noon."

He worked Sat. and 4 hrs yesterday and he gets salary so no overtime. He showed up and said "you will be proud of me, I almost cancelled for they forgot the stick to run the transit but I told them how to do it the other way." He looks exhausted but he hugged and kissed and sat on the couch and drank coffee and talked and didn't talk about work.(much) He called me later and then sent a picture of the pool almost finished.

This is all great but it won't take much to push him back over the edge. So I continue to work on my things in my life and make time for him and try to help him with things to make his life easier with out it looking like I am fixing it or mothering him or being to dominating.

He said it was so nice to drive up to the house with fresh painted shutters and a mowed lawn. Next weekend it is the door. Time will tell, and until then I will garden and walk the dog and take care of me. Learn to think before I speak but not walk on eggshells. If I can say what I am thinking in a non threatening way like I did yesterday I might feel better.