Birthday Party With New Man

[NicG]

You guys, I'm scared! The last time I went to parties out in the city with a significant other, they ended... poorly.

Once, he threw up all over my car. Other times he tried to undress me and touch me in front of our friends. And then there were the times when he flirted with other people in front of me!

I'm trying my best to remind myself that I'm with someone different who actually loves and respects me now. But I'm bracing myself to get hurt. It's not that I don't trust him, I really really do...but I'm sure you guys understand.

All the same it's messing with me, because the party only got organised today, and it's for tomorrow night. My mind is throwing up memories of his ex-girlfriends, stupid stuff he did when he was 18 (you know, the standard too-much-drinking most 18yo's do), and it's making me feel all the resentment and hurt that was directed at my ex. I always felt this way when he went out. I know it's different with my new man but it's really hard to calm down. I don't want to just have to roll with this for the next two days!

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Just try to remember that the anger is directed at your old bf not at your new bf and maybe talk with him about it... and maybe the both of you enjoy ridiculing the old bf a bit.

 

[The Albatross]

It is good that you are reminding yourself that you are with someone different and that you're experience may also be different. Is there any way you can turn your thinking around... away from "I don't trust him" to "I trust myself"?

For turning away from anticipatory stress or anxiety I usually have a plan or strategy, and initiate a conversation/communication before the event with my partner. I give myself permission to have an exit strategy if I am uncomfortable at any time.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

I'm with The Albatross and have an exit strategy planned beforehand. You don't have to stay in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. That being said, I hope that the party with your new guy will go great and you won't need an exit strategy. Hopefully you both have lots of fun and make new memories. :)

 

[darrenS]

Once, he threw up all over my car. Other times he tried to undress me and touch me in front of our friends. And then there were the times when he flirted with other people in front of me!

Boundaries and exit strategies...nothing more ....nothing less , ask him to keep his drinking under control so your not fronted with a mess and just look for the signs and have handy and quick solutions on the ready.

 

[Neverthesame]

I can see why you would be tense. I can't add much to the way of advice. Everyone above me has covered all the bases.

Think of this as a bit of exposure therapy/test/start of something new and better.

Oh, and don't forget to have fun.

 

[NicG]

Thank you all so much. I feel a bit calmer now.

I took your advice and got an exit strategy organised, I have a friend who said she'd pick me up if things came to that or if I'm just feeling overly triggered.

Think of this as a bit of exposure therapy

Good point. I guess I can be super proud of myself if (let's hope when) I make it through it without anything catastrophic happening!