But the world is a dangerous place

[shimmerz]

But if my choice is running and being happy vs. staying and being miserable just so I can 'feel powerful' well,

Please forgive. I wasn't at all saying that you should stay just to say screw you. I mean, with no condescension at all because I am working on this exact thing at this moment, whatever you decide to do - run - not run - stay - leave, to try to remember that you have made that choice to try to build a life free from this asshole. Whether he f*cks that up or not is not on you. That speaks to his character. But for you to know that you keep walking through it I think is important for your brain to be wired for. Otherwise he never has to find you again and he will be affecting your quality of life every day for the rest of your life.

Not saying it is easy. I still haven't gotten there yet. I swear to you I saw my ex behind me while I was driving today. My head went insane. BUT - it used to go insane whether I saw him or not. That is progress.

Best of luck to you. :hug: I hate to see people go through this.

 

[TTC18]

The odd thing is - once I run (historically) I don't think another thing about it until he finds me again. I'm sure subconsciously I'm still afraid - I've been hypervigilant for 20 years. Phones ring, doors knock, etc and I'm all 'SCREAM!' lol and don't even think about waking me up, I'll be halfway across the room before I'm even awake - but I don't think about it at all until I find out he's found me.

Thank you. :) I'm sure it'll get better.

 

[ILoveLife]

Forgive me if you mentioned this elsewhere.
What are you actively doing to not be found?

Changing your name, nor telling people where you are and really starting over might help to stop the need to run.
You can't stop him. You can only change what you do towards it.

:hug:

 

[TTC18]

Once when I moved I went all-out. I went by a different name, had my mail sent to a friend out of state who packaged/mailed it to me, and stayed in all the time, didn't know a soul... I didn't mind for a while, but eventually the oppressiveness of being in hiding started to get to me. I told myself I'd probably thrown him off my trail, and then I started living life again. And it was a few years later I heard from him again. It'd be easier, I think, if it were constant - but it can take years sometimes before I hear from him. So after I run, I think I'll never hear from him again -surely he'll get bored with this, surely he'll find something better to do... Mostly because I want to never hear from him again, probably.
When I move again, I'm going to ask one of the domestic violence advocates for help in keeping my location private. I know there are programs so your info doesn't get reported by the utility companies, etc.

 

[whiteraven]

There’s a huge difference between the world being unsafe, which it is, and being afraid of the world being unsafe.

Yes, this. I believe wholeheartedly that the world is an unsafe place. But I'm not afraid of being in the world, except during those times of anxiety and in situations that are triggering. I've noticed that how I respond to the stuff that is going on in the world around me has a direct correlation to how worried/scared I feel.

 

[EveHarrington]

“Went by a different name” or changed your name?

 

[TTC18]

“Went by a different name” or changed your name?

I didn't legally do a name change - I just didn't put my name on anything, and went by a different name when talking to people. Rent/utilities stayed in my landlord's name, so my name wasn't on anything.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Um... the world IS a dangerous place, and maybe if all the therapists etc who think everything's roses and rubber duckies could spend a week or two being terrorized and stalked by crazy people, they'd feel a little differently about this whole thing. Maybe I don't WANT to be drugged or talked into thinking that I'm safe, when I'm not. I'm *not* safe. I don't want to pretend i'm safe when I'm not, I just want to be able to think again without constant panic. There's got to be a place in the middle there.

You would love my pdoc.

She's real about shit, real about "yeah, bad shit can happen to you." or "yeah, you're not gonna feel safe out at night anymore. That's a good thing. You're not supposed to feel safe out at night. You learned the hard way that bad stuff can happen out at night with the night people, now your body reacts to night people by getting really hypervigilant, and a lot of people without PTSD feel unsafe out at night. You're supposed to be more on alert at times like that, that's not a response we want to go away fully, we don't want to trick your brain into thinking it's safe when it's not."

Then she told me I shouldn't go out at night for the time being, and that I should stick to safer times of day to be in public, when it's less likely that I will be attacked or hurt by people.

 

[TTC18]

You would love my pdoc. ....You're supposed to be more on alert at times like that, that's not a response we want to go away fully, we don't want to trick your brain into thinking it's safe when it's not."

YES, I would like her. That makes so much sense - it's just what I said to MY doc. I don't want meds that are going to tell me I'm safe. I'm not safe. I just need to be able to function while knowing I'm unsafe. lol.
I'm really sorry for whatever happened to you. :( I'm glad you have such a good doc!

 

[ILoveLife]

Meds wouldn't tell you you're safe. Would just be a relief from the severity of symptoms.

What kind of meds were you prescribed?

 

[TTC18]

Lexapro. I was worried meds would numb down my ability to be vigilant. I need to be vigilant (long term stalker) but also need to be able to sleep at night and not have anxiety attacks all day long.

 

[TTC18]

And when I say 'sleep at night' I mean - not like drugged sleep, since I'd need to be able to wake up if anything happened. This dance of 'I need to feel better but not too much better' has kept me from asking for help for a while, I guess.