Came Out As Gender Questioning To My Therapist And Her Response Kind Of Sucked

[Leisel]

Basically I'm 90% sure that I'm trans and I've been questioning it for years and recently I've been seriously thinking about transitioning, but because I have a history of sexual abuse, someone close to me said it'd be a good thing to work out with my therapist to make sure it's who I truly am, that I am a boy, not just that I "don't want to be" female because of past gender violence and what I've been told about/what's been done to me because of my biological sex.
So that's why I even told her. But she didn't get it. She kind of told me that it's just like anything else and I should accept my body as it is and say "okay, I have feminine and masculine traits, and it's okay if I don't like my boobs/small hands/whatever is feminine about my body." She compared it to people being self conscious about other parts of their body like their nose. But I'm not self-conscious about it at all! I don't feel like I have an ugly body, I just would rather have the body of a guy.
She even brought my sexuality into it, which looking back I'm pretty sure I've "been gay" since even before the events, and this is something I've spent a lot of time working through (even with my pastor) so I was kind of frustrated that she would bring it back into question.
She said she believes that sure, some people are born gay, but a lot of people "become" gay because of sexual trauma, and she said that if I want to transition to male because I think I'll be happier, then remember that usually it doesn't make people happier and they still need therapy. She hinted that I will regret it later once I "really" make up my mind and realize that the whole time I've just been a traumatized girl.
And maybe I am but that doesn't invalidate my current identity. She also said I should wait until I'm 26 if I ever want to transition, since the brain will be more developed. She said that based on her own experience, most people just aren't happier after they transition, and "it doesnt solve all their problems."
She also said that I would face a lot of judgement if I did transition and people wouldn't want to date me because I wouldn't fit into a box of what they think gender "should" mean and I would have to "find someone who would be okay with that."

I don't want or expect it to solve all my problems! I just want to be my truest self. If someone doesn't love me for who I am, regardless of my body, then I don't think that's real love and I don't care if I have to wait or "search out" people who can "look past" that. I don't know, I'm really upset and just needed to vent. I'm thinking about seeing a separate gender therapist instead of just her. Gender dysphoria isn't one of her specialties so I get it. But ugh!!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Your therapist is full of shit. Can you possibly get another, who truly understands this? Because this current one could be doing you harm.

 

[LadyZane]

I'm with @C j on this one. Your therapist sounds like she doesn't quite understand what trans identity actually is. It's understandable how your trauma would make you personally feel like you want to be extra thorough in thinking through this issue--but maybe someone who is more knowledgeable on this would be more helpful.

Is there maybe a support group for trans/gender-non-conforming people in your area? Talking directly with other people who have been through what you're experiencing might help.

 

[Esterio]

Thank you for the Post Leisel
I think your T is very closed minded. Maybe should not be in a position where you see all kinds of people with all kinds of issues. Does not sound to me that her thinking is current. I have always wonder if the child sexual abuse I was subjected to distorted my sexuality. I do not really fit in anywhere sexually or at least that is how I feel. Did that abuse influence my choices in sexuality. I have Identified as gay, bi, straight and none is where I feel I am now. It seems to be the less confusing to me. It has been on my mind now for decades where would I be today if I had not been sexual abused as a child.
Peace be safe

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I wish you all the best in becoming your true self. Her asking you to wait til 26... I agree about the brain development thing, research has shown that our brain still changes til then. However, if you want to be male, are you already living that way? I don't know how that works, but I
Am pretty sure you will know what to do in the near future and we only have this one life on earth, so live it as the person that makes you feel happy and complete.

 

[ladee]

You are on the right track seeking a separate gender T..... you sound self assured and this is not something you woke up yesterday and thought about.... Sounds like she was thrown and started rambling... it's nothing against you... and I know that's easy for me to say.... but sounds like you have already thought thru everything she shared that 'might happen'....
Be YOU !!! Find someone who will help you transition into your best self.

So hard for us to remember our T's feet are made of clay.Not defending her, not what I am saying.... and all that really matters anyway, is that you are comfortable in your own skin.... You know what you need... go for it !!!!

 

[Hope4Now]

It stinks that your therapist was not responsive in a way that made you feel validated. Bringing up any sort of gender or sexuality issues in therapy can be extremely difficult and leave us feeling very vulnerable.

Clearly your t does not understand trans identity. That is a huge problem if you identify as trans (as in anywhere on the trans spectrum). I hope you will be able to continue the discussion with your t, and share how the response made you feel. You know sometimes it is up to us to educate our own therapists about issues that are important to us (annoying, but true). So if your t is a good one for you, it is probably worth pursuing this issue further.

Transitioning is a major life decision and your idea of seeking out a gender therapist seems a healthy one.

In the meantime, as @TexCat asks, are you living as a man--even privately? It is worth exploring if you're not. There are devices available to bind breasts, and there are quite realistic genitals available at many sex shops. Clothing can be challenging depending upon your body shape, but if your body requires women's clothing there is quite a large availability of clothes that look like men's. It is far easier for women to find men's clothing than vice versa.

 

[MisterCatLady]

RUN! That's so wrong. I too am genderfluid and sometimes lean ftm. I expressed to my therapist that I might be gay/gender disphoric because of my past sexual abuse so she works with me on differentiating between those feelings. We work on the trauma separate from the gender dysphoria and SOMETIMES they overlap. You need a new therapist ASAP. I encourage you not to see that one anymore.

 

[Iamsensative]

Basically I'm 90% sure that I'm trans and I've been questioning it for years and recently I've been seri...

I have to say you are very brave to disclose and dont expect all therapists to react the same way. They dont have the skills, they have their own stuff and maybe she is really concerned about you coming to this realization from a trauma based mental process. I am a women, married to a women who in her whole body and soul believes she was really supposed to be a man. She haa never transutioned, different time. We are a lot older. Both of us were traumatized as children and we both went on to marry men. She had a decent husband, i countinued to live with abuse until i was 25. Well we are now together 25 yrs and srill love her dearly, for myself i can probably say your therapist is right, yes gay by choice or bi,. Still havent figured that out. But she has not budged from the fact that she feels most aurhentic as a man. So here you have 2 examples of difference ways that people can and do live differently than others.. i think you need to work on trauma and sexuality at the same time. It took me until i was 40 to start to crack from the weight of my unresolved trauma. So i am just starting to get to know myself. Your journey is a long and tough journey. Finding your authentic self will take a whole lifetime of growing and changing whatever sex you choose. But find the right help, work with the right support system. You are beauriful, brave and deserve the best. Take care of yourself.

 

[Crow]

Please see a T specializing in trans challenges! Your current T's reaction is unconscionable. That response is bordering on reportable in my opinion. How can a professional have those opinions, or at the very least share them with a struggling client, in this day?!?!?!

Be true to yourself! It's totally the path to peace and to finding your tribe.

 

[Muttly]

Like another poster, I grew up in a different time and had no concept of transgender. However, from the time I was 3 or 4, started insisting I was a boy. In first grade, when we were made to get into girls and boys line, I got into the boy's line until I finally got in enough trouble that I stopped. The first time I heard about it, I was about 17 and thrilled. I mentioned to my mom that I could have a "sex change" surgery (my concept was still very vague) and got a less than positive reaction. Mostly at that time I was focused on survival and my abusive family.

A decade later I was finally really gaining some separation from them and began to realize just how bad my mental health was. I spent a lot of time sorting things out, figuring out what was my identity and what was PTSD or DID. I think if I'd been more exposed to gender issues I would have come to it sooner, but at 44 I fully transitioned.

When I told my T, I got the exact opposite reaction. She was thrilled. She said it made so much sense and fit me so well and was so excited for me, I was taken aback. It's not all perfect and simple, but I've found a great boyfriend (I'm bi), accepting friend and I can look in the mirror and see someone who matches my inside. Did it make me live happily ever after, no. But like you, I wasn't expecting that. Did it make me much more happy, confident and stable? Hell yes. I don't really agree with waiting until 26. I've been active in the trans community and seen so many who started earlier and are having great lives. I knew at 3 or 4 it just took me 40 years to get there. heh.

Find ways to connect with the trans community. Find a gender therapist. Your therapist's reaction shows she's not someone who can deal with these issues.

 

[Ariadne]

oh, I'm so sorry you had this experience! She is completely wrong about transition not making trans people happier. I am a mom to one ftm teen and a ftm step-son who now lives with me because his family of origin aren't as accepting. Also I have an adopted little brother who has now fully transitioned. In college I majored in Psych with an aim toward research and my emphasis was gender identity and sexual orientation. Just giving you that so you know how much research I've done into this subject.

Most qualified medical professionals now feel that in a supportive family, transition is most beneficial earlier rather than later as puberty has certain effects that can't be reverse. Unfortunately in my state my son can't start hormones until he's 18, but I make sure his therapist is supportive.

There are those rare cases where someone transitions who shouldn't or regrets it, but that is like people holding up the very few people who invent stories of abuse as cause to doubt all survivors; it's a false equivalence. The same with this weird idea that people become a sexual orientation they aren't because of abuse. Logically it doesn't add up: boys supposedly "become gay" if abused by a man, whereas girls will become gay when abused by a man? Right....which is it? Because that makes no sense at all! Does abuse make coming to terms with one's complexity and full expression of natural inclinations? Of course, but abuse wouldn't implant a foreign orientation into someone who never would have felt that attraction to begin with.

I will join in with those saying to find a new T if you can because I doubt very much therapeutic value can be had in an environment where your authentic self isn't getting acceptance at all!