Can You Help Me Make Sense Of This?

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@theshadowoftheliving I'm sorry to hear about how frightening your experience last week was.

Please be assured that you are not alone.
There are many of us on this site going through this with you

it's hard for me to even understand sometimes why I have this other part of me that is so bent on destruction.

^Your work with your T will most likely shed some light on this. It's possibly a Part from your childhood or teenage years.


BTW, you did a fantastic job with them!
you might think you fell apart, but if that was your first 'group meeting', I'm impressed. You asked "why", you gave attention to everyone's needs and you were able to offer support. It didn't end in self harm, your little one obviously felt secure enough to ask for comfort, which you provided — so I'd say thats very successful! :tup:

It can be confronting at first, but group meetings actually accomplish alot; they are important and incredibly useful.

It was a few days ago now, have things settled/quieted down a bit for you :)

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I also read that your other parts are as real as your original personality/self, but that you might consider the part with which I'm interacting as more "real", as it's who you were when you were born and controls everything else that happens inside. Is the original personality self the part with which I'm speaking?

I have no idea. Every version of me seems like the "real" me when it's happening. I don't think that I have an "adult self" or a "core personality" or any of that. I'm so confused about it all.

I'm sure it feels like you're losing your mind. DID seems to me like something out of a fantasy book. Do you think writing about the different personalities might help you keep them straight?

I'm not officially diagnosed as DID. I'm DDNOS, but I do wonder if this would make my therapist change her mind about that. I'm still trying to figure out the differences between things and even writing about them makes me get spacey and weird. I've drawn a few pictures, but beyond that, nothing. I know I need to write about it or figure out more about them so I can work better with them, but I really, really really have wanted to pretend like it isn't real, not the other way around.

Also, what's your support system like?

My support system is okay. I have friends, but they don't know. My therapist is leaving soon and I'm transferring to someone new that I've never met. My family is crazy and they stress me out. I could do better building a support system, but the one I have isn't too terrible.

you might think you fell apart, but if that was your first 'group meeting', I'm impressed. You asked "why", you gave attention to everyone's needs and you were able to offer support. It didn't end in self harm, your little one obviously felt secure enough to ask for comfort, which you provided — so I'd say thats very successful! :tup:

It can be confronting at first, but group meetings actually accomplish alot; they are important and incredibly useful.

I guess it would be considered a 'group meeting'? It wasn't a purposeful meeting. I don't feel like it went well at all. I did ask why, but I don't feel like anyone was happy with me. I didn't self harm, but it was really close. And I still feel like I'm losing my mind still.

It was a few days ago now, have things settled/quieted down a bit for you :)

Maybe? I'm still freaking out. I'm still nervous. I'm hoping that things will normalize, but in the meantime, I'm so nervous about what this means. I haven't spoken about them before, and I'm really, really really worried about what it all means. It seems like this might be more than just DDNOS.

 

[BlueOrange]

I got plenty freaked out when my label changed from 'safe comforting PTSD' to 'OMG serial killer DID'. Strangely enough, I didn't actually become a serial killer, and I'm managing things more efficiently and effectively than before.

The differences between the disorders of structural dissociation (PTSD, DDNOS, DID) are differences of complexity, not differences of severity. You're not discovering that you're sicker than you thought you were - you're discovering more about how the pieces (don't currently) fit together to make a whole. If you handle it successfully, then the first confrontation with the terrifying thing is usually the worst one. You sound like you were pretty successful - this means you have a few clues on how to be successful next time, with less need to fumble around making mistakes and being scared. (You can start thinking about how to be 'more successful' and 'more safe', to build on what you've already found.)

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

The differences between the disorders of structural dissociation (PTSD, DDNOS, DID) are differences of complexity, not differences of severity. You're not discovering that you're sicker than you thought you were - you're discovering more about how the pieces (don't currently) fit together to make a whole.

Thank you for this. I'm still struggling with what it all means, and definitely feeling like I'm losing my mind. This is really helpful in normalizing all of it.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

The little girl came out last week. Now I can't get her to go back. She's kind of fun, in the sense that she's a young child and is excited to be with me, to play, to color in a coloring book (that I had to promise to buy her if she would just go away long enough for me to get through a meeting). But, she keeps trying to take over when it's not a good time - and sometimes that gets scary because she's five or six and not worried about traffic or trains. Plus, it's humiliating when she shows up in public and had a conversation with another little kid in a toy aisle about which toys look most fun.

I don't know what to do.

I'm losing my mind.

 

[pixel]

You just described my day :)

The parts go through periods of high activity and then they settle down.
It felt to me like I was losing my mind, too

Im actually really proud of how flexible you are in handling this, considering it's so new. I have to bribe my little with things too but it took ages to develop that level of communication and trust.
You're doing it from the start and its working well for you. :tup:

 

[BlueOrange]

My little kid came out when I was in the line at the supermarket. The woman running the checkout was talking to a 3-year-old in a stroller, telling him that she'd eaten his jelly (if you're an American, read 'jello') while he wasn't looking. I was in a very vulnerable post-EMDR state, and I said "That's not very nice!"

She replied "I'm not a nice person."

By this stage, I was able to reassert control, but chose to keep playing the part. "You're not my friend anymore," I told her, in what I hoped was exactly the tone I had used when I was 5.

As far as I can tell, the 3-year-old thought I was awesome. I joked with the woman behind the checkout for a bit after the kid was gone, and she seemed OK with it too.


My point is, when you're dealing with kids, parents will love it if you can simultaneously get their kids happy and talking, while also keeping them out of trouble. In a toy store, in the company of a child, is a perfect time to talk about why you like toys & to let the inner child out for a chat.

In a meeting is not so good, and I'm glad that you were able to come to an arrangement. In my experience, once children (inside and outside) trust that there is a fair process, and that they will get their turn, they're willing to wait.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Im actually really proud of how flexible you are in handling this, considering it's so new. I have to bribe my little with things too but it took ages to develop that level of communication and trust.
You're doing it from the start and its working well for you. :tup:

It sounds put together here, because I'm incapable of actually writing about it until it is over. In the moment, it feels messy and problematic. I'm also really worried because it's a downtime right now in my work - what will happen in the fall when things get really crazy?

In my experience, once children (inside and outside) trust that there is a fair process, and that they will get their turn, they're willing to wait.

This is what my therapist told me, too. It makes sense, but implementing it is a lot harder than it looks or seems.

 

[pixel]

You will experience periods where they quieten down and let you be in control.

what will happen in the fall when things get really crazy?

For you honey, I dont know.

I'm sorry, I don't think I can add anything else that's helpful.

Maybe post a thread asking for tips? I wouldn't mind seeing some mature & experienced replies.

 

[BlueOrange]

It might well be happening now because your work is quiet, and you can therefore get away with it. My dissociative barriers tend to have a pretty keen sense of when I can find a way to cope with having them down. (Although it's never comfortable.)

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

It might well be happening now because your work is quiet,

I hope this is the case.

When it isn't happening I feel crazy and like I made it all up. When it is happening? I just feel like a small, small child. Plus, the whole time there is always a running commentary in my mind that I should just get my $#%^} together and act normal, but I'm not sure how to do that ...

 

[BlueOrange]

When it isn't happening I feel crazy and like I made it all up. When it is happening? I just feel like a small, small child. Plus, the whole time there is always a running commentary in my mind that I should just get my $#%^} together and act normal, but I'm not sure how to do that ...

Heartbreakingly familiar. *hugs*