Can you help me? Trauma after first romantic moment

[Axolotl]

Hi, I am new here, so I hope that this is the right forum for my strange question.

Some years ago I fell in love for the first time in my life, and after some dates he invited me to his house. The atmosphere turned romantic at some point, and that is when I started shaking. I froze the moment he started fondling me and when he tried to kiss me, I just couldn't open my mouth. Still, I insisted that everything was okay and that he should go on.

I felt a very strong desire to get home after that evening. I self harmed that night. The next couple of days I had flashbacks, I was staring at the wall of my room for hours and was too afraid of going out, because I thought the people would read on my face that I had had sex.

Since this day, I have been feeling really anxious and on edge and I have become much more impatient, I get angry easily. I also can't seem to stop thinking about this incident, or about sex in general, I often use innuendi. For some reason, I reacted traumatized, and that's why I want to ask:

Is it normal that I reacted this way? I haven't had a past of abuse, so is there another explanation for my strong reaction? Does this happen to other people, too? I was 22 back then. What reason could there be, that it affected me so much?

I hope you can help, this story is so persistent in my mind, it asks for answers and doesn't go away.

Thank you very much!

 

[Ronin]

Hi,

I think you better take up your reaction with a trained therapist.

Because I am not seeing anything in your experience that would qualify as traumatic, much less as Criterion A traumatic (which is what we deal with in here.)

You were young, anxious, and apparently not ready for sex... But he did not force you or coerce you into anything, you were not raped, nothing of the sort. It was a bad experience (for you at the time) you were not ready for, but that is just life.

 

[shimmerz]

I think you better take up your reaction with a trained therapist.

Agreed. It would be best for someone who is trained to help you. They will be better able to read what is happening through body language, eyes, etc.

 

[grit]

Hi Axolotl

People most likely do not self harm after one incident or even one bad sex experience. Your reaction is kind of high for the situation.

I think and I could very well be wrong your trauma is deep inside your psychic and in that incident, you got a glimpse of it. You were triggered. this is my laywoman's understanding of your post.

You also said "I haven't had a past of abuse", and I will beg to differ. People in general and in general health do not react with self harm in reaction to bad experience.

I am sorry you have experienced a painful reminder of something. As others graciously suggested, I hope you do not try to dissect this anymore than you have already and hope you find a trained therapist who can help you make sense out of this incident and in your life general.

 

[hithere]

did the relationship continue? maybe you were abandoned and you are having trouble connecting those feelings with the reality you want to have. You want to believe you are ok with it, when you are not. rejection and abandonment are very big themes in PTSD and in some people very deeply entwined with complex childhood issues

 

[Friday]

Is it normal that I reacted this way?

Not really. As in that was an extreme reaction to have. It could be normal under certain circumstance (like if you had a history of abuse), but it’s not normal in the general scheme of things.

I haven't had a past of abuse, so is there another explanation for my strong reaction?

Yep. Lots and lots of them. Ranging from allergies, to a toxic exposure or bad reaction to some kind of something (similar to an allergy-adrenaline response in that it’s your body responding to a foreign substance, just not “incorrectly” as it does to an allergy, but exactly as it should to a harmful substance), to a fluke (people have psychological “hiccups” from time to time, big reaction once but never again, or once every 20 years. Weird, but totally normal), to one of a couple dozen disorders both medical & psychological.

Which all boils down to = A highly trained expert helping you sort out what’s what.

A traumatized or “big” reaction to a very normal event? A huge waving red flag that something is going on, but what that something is? Has a whoooooole lot of possibilities.

 

[Abstract]

Agreed with others that I would go to someone very skilled in trauma just to talk this through a little.To check it out.

Here are a few things to consider if you feel like discussing them here:
Did you have a fear of sex before this
Did you have any negative messages about sex in your family
Did you have any significant issues with or about your body or gender.
As friday said, a history of latex allergies would be worth considering. If shaking happened after contact.
Did you want to say no and were unable to do so
Do you have any other type of abuse in your past like physical abuse.
Also are the flashbacks to specific parts of what happened. How do you feel if you try to discuss the whole rundown of the events that happened.

Well done for discussing it.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m guessing you have repressed trauma. I don’t mean to scare you but you really can’t say for certain that you were never traumatized as kids don’t retain (normal/typical) memories until the age of 2 1/2 to 3 years of age (but we do store other types of body memories etc from birth...sorry if this is confusing).

My trauma isn’t repressed, I just didn’t know it was TRAUMA....my first consensual sexual experience sent me through the roof with reactions, which definitely wasn’t normal. It wasn’t until years later that I discovered that my kind of reaction isn’t typical for first time sex, and then it all started making sense.

I’d explore this with a therapist to discover exactly why you had such an abnormal reaction to sex.

 

[Axolotl]

Thank you all for your replies!

The incident happened while I was in therapy for depression, so I did and am still discussing it with my therapist, but still, it doesn't make sense. Also I was already self harming during that time, although I had stopped a couple of months before this happened. I mean, I didn't start because of this.

@hithere, the relationship with him was very weird, he disappeared for half a year, in which I couldn't think about anything else but what had happened, but then he reappeared and we ended up meeting every couple of weeks and becoming close, without being a couple.

@Friday, we didn't use condoms, so I couldn't have had a latex allergy, but the psychological hiccups you are talking about are interesting, maybe something like this happened.

@Abstract: I have to say yes to nearly all your questions. I didn't have a fear of sex, I just wasn't interested in having it with someone. I couldn't see myself as a Sexual being, although I am not asexual. Having said this, I didn't like being a girl either, but I didn't wish to be a boy. I just wanted to be a sexless person. This has changed since the Incident, I have started to accept that I am a woman.
Yes, my family doesn't talk about sex and it is considered something shameful. I also was pretty conscious of my body back then, I still don't like dancing.
I guess I didn't know whether I wanted to say no. I said it a few times silently, because I thought I should, but I didn't really sound like I meant it and I stopped.
In my family there was no physical abuse, but there are one or two strange memories, like my mum binding me to a chair in rage. This being a great exception and the rest of my childhood being very nice with her loving me. And I was bullied at school.
The flashbacks were in the first few days, I don't have them anymore. They were very clear and sudden images of what had happened. When I tried to talk to my therapist about it one month later, I couldn't, one year later I could, but with much fear and dissociating. I guess now I can talk about it, but I don't feel much when I do.

@eve, I am very sorry for you and I hope that you are getting better. I did have a grandfather who used and liked to "explore" my body, maybe too much, he touched my chest, but I didn't mind, it didn't make me afraid and I never felt bad because of it, so I can't see a link there. I really can't think of anything else happening to me. You are right though, we don't have memories of our early years so everything may have happened. It just doesn't feel like it.

I am sorry for the long text and the strange English, but it is not my native language. Thank you again for answering!

 

[grit]

Just wondering if this grandfather was your mom's father " I did have a grandfather who used and liked to "explore" my body, maybe too much, he touched my chest, but I didn't mind, it didn't make me afraid and I never felt bad because of it"

I may be often wrong but I am gonna risk and say maybe your childhood memories are dissociated. I truly hope I am wrong but I feel you are touching the tip of the iceberg. Be open with your therapist so he or she can truly help you.

 

[Muttly]

Your english is excellent and welcome to the forum.

Since others keep mentioning it, I will say I would be cautious about jumping to the conclusion that you have repressed memories. It's possible you do, but if they are there they will emerge in their own time. It's possible you don't and there are other things going on.

There are red flags about your childhood. Your grandfather exploring your body sounds off to me. As does being bound to a chair. One thing I have seen with many posters over the years is they will say they have no abuse history but as their story emerge it becomes clear that it did happen. This was true for me in many ways. I do have loving, happy memories of my family. And much of the abuse that happened, I was so brainwashed I thought it was normal. Again, I am not saying this is true with you. It is good that you have a therapist and also are talking here.

I guess I didn't know whether I wanted to say no. I said it a few times silently, because I thought I should, but I didn't really sound like I meant it and I stopped.

Just to clarify, are you saying you said "no" quietly to him and he kept going?

 

[Sideways]

Your clincial diagnosis of depression could very well explain a lot of what was going on for you when this incident occurred. Your T may have discussed with you - it is absolutely normal for someone with depression to have no sex drive. That is one symptom of depression that a lot of people have . So as you heal, it may be that your sex drive (or even just mild interest in sex) may change if you are interested in pursuing intimate relationships in the future.

It’s also normal for a person suffering from clinical depression to react with distressing emotions to a stressful event (and regardless of whether your brain is having a good time, your body considers sex a stressful event). Having sex at a time where you don’t have sex drive? Could easily cause a serious and distressing reaction that someone without clincial depression may not ordinarily have.

This experience does not mean you necessarily have repressed memories of sexual trauma, and tbh, that suggestion is counterproductive and unhelpful (if you do, suggestions from strangers on the Internet is not the way that the issue should be explored, and if you don’t, it means that your brain is going to start looking for memories that don’t exist to problem-solve, and that’s where inaccurate memory recall starts).

Definitely definitely pursue treatment for your depression. It is a treatable condition that has excellent prospects of recovery over time, and you have good reason to be optimistic for rewarding relationships in the future.