Can You Learn How To Accept Emotional Support/love?

[Meadowsweet]

I don't know how to speak about emotional stuff in a way that anyone who is not a trained therapist would understand. So when I have tried to ask for help, I have been rejected because I get it wrong. Also, when I have thought someone is being very caring and there for me, it has tended to be people who see my weaknesses and use them to their advantage.

So I will say I'm independent, do everything myself and push people away. But I would like to be able to share like other people do.

So, if you've never had your emotional needs met, can you learn how to have those needs met in later life?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have NO idea how to get my emotional needs met. If I act "normal" I get nothing. If I throw a fit, at least I get something, even though it alienates people.

My priest told me I'd be happiest on a desert island. Sadly, she is right. (It's also my safe place.) I guess my point is that emotional needs would be completely off the table, but I'd still be happy.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Meadowsweet,

I relate a lot to what you say here. I can't say I have been able to do it in realtime at all but I do have some hope as I have made so much progress online and have also been able to avoid any new problematic relationships for over two years now. Whilst still working part time - if in a very "separated" way. I have also managed to put up fairly appropriate (or much improved) boundaries in all relationships.

I don't see it as a given that I will be able to take the next steps in realtime at all but rather that if A, B, C and D can happen and I am able to react in certain ways then it could be possible. But I do have hope and I do think its possible for all of us in a theoretical sense.

I hope that makes just a little sense.

 

[aka]

it has tended to be people who see my weaknesses and use them to their advantage.

Yeah I understand, all the "friends" I had as a teen were nice sometimes and other times made my life hell. It always amazed me how nice they could be with their other friends but they instead treated me like an verbal punching bag.

So I will say I'm independent, do everything myself and push people away. But I would like to be able to share like other people do.

For me the "do everything myself" independent streak is to establish control over my environment. Much easier to control situations and keep boundaries in place if you are the only person in the picture. Though there are many times I mentally kick myself for pushing other people away since I feel lonely a lot of the time.

So, if you've never had your emotional needs met, can you learn how to have those needs met in later life?

I have no idea since I have never had my emotional needs completely met. Though I do think it is a good question to ask since I would like to know as well.

 

[Abstract]

it has tended to be people who see my weaknesses and use them to their advantage.

Happened with me too an awful lot and even when it doesn't happen discussing anything makes me feel like someone is going to use it to harm me.

A lot of the problems have stemmed from awareness for me. Quite simply its as if I "switch off" in way that means I end up in trouble and way before I have any idea of how that happened. I don't "see" red flags even when I know what they are and what to look for and am trying to look for them.

Obsessive diary writing and long delays before doing anything at all has been the main thing to work so far.

 

[Pencil]

My main problem is not experiencing friends as nasty, but having emotional needs that exceed the normal limits of what can be expected of friends. People don't GET attachment anxiety, or fears of abandonment, or .... any of the things that make relationships difficult for me, and expecting them to understand it and handle it is way outside the job description of a friend.

 

[Err0r]

Oh Meadowsweet, I could've written this entry, as well. I have no idea how to get my emotional needs met, either. In the last two years, I have forced myself to open up somewhat emotionally to someone (who I am now married to) but everyday is a struggle.

My biggest problem is, honestly, is that I have absolutely no clue WHAT my emotional needs are. I definitely have major fears of abandonment (I'm not familiar with "attachment anxiety" - will have to look it up :) ) but how "realistic" is it for me to ask my husband to stay with me 24/7? It isn't - but I still feel like he is leaving me all the time and I'm honestly surprised when he does end up coming home. But it's frustrating, isn't it, Pencil?

How do YOU guys figure out what your emotional needs are?

 

[Pencil]

But it's frustrating, isn't it, Pencil?

Very!

As you are married, and your husband keeps returning, it means that his needs are met. Do you have any thoughts about that?

 

[Err0r]

Pencil, I have always been very focused on the emotional needs of others and have the ability to be whomever the other person needs me to be. I also have a tendency to put the other person's emotional needs above my own and lead me to be very over-protective of those people. On the other hand - those people - have no idea of who I am (this is definitely more in terms of family members and friends, not my husband necessarily). I am just labeled as "strong", when I am actually very much opposite.

But, sorry, I'm rambling. I know that he loves me and that he cares about me. And that he wouldn't have married me if he was planning to leave me. He wants to meet my emotional needs but I have no idea what they are. I have the ability to feel the emotions of others, am hyper-sensitive to them, but on most days have the inability to feel another other than numbness/fear/self-disgust/anger.

 

[Leah123]

So, if you've never had your emotional needs met, can you learn how to have those needs met in later life?

Yes, definitely. It took me some time in therapy to get comfortable with expressing my feelings, being honest, and knowing my needs. After that, I did a lot of volunteer work. It helped me fit into a community with structure, which was a good space for me to meet friendly, helpful people. I think there's something to be said for meeting others' needs and how that makes it easier, maybe, for me to tolerate my own and get help with them. From there, my circle expanded a little, and I continued to grow and be able to meet my emotional needs better. I ended up finding my husband through working with him, since I was never comfortable in the dating pool/bar scene, and he's been wonderful at helping meet some of my emotional needs. When I had my daughter, I got some help through creating a playgroup with other moms, which really helped too. And I'm not above calling a crisis line in the worst moments to get those needs met. It's an up and down thing for me, something I'm actually really working on again, during a new phase of my life, but I just wanted to share that it's worthwhile and possible, for sure!

 

[ms spock]

I can really relate to this thread. I don't know what my emotional needs are. I have been a major caretaker of other people.

 

[Anna]

Emotions. Hide mine most of the time. Feel numb most of the time. Big problem for me.

I put on a facade most of the time. I can be polite, I know how to act.

I find it very hard to accept emotional support. I find it even harder to love. Even receiving compliments makes me feel uneasy.

I make one hell of an effort with my family though. I ask them how they were, how their day was, I sit and listen. I try to be the rock, to be the one I never have had.

Sometimes, it is hard to always be the strong one.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

A lot of us seem to be in this sort of space!

For myself at least, I can't help but wonder if I have unreasonable expectations? Maybe I need to learn how to accept different kinds of love and not be so damn hell-bent on making (ha) others love me the way I want to be loved. I'm not saying that I should just throw my needs out the window, but maybe I should work on acknowledging that love can come in different forms.

Gee, now that I think about it, this making others love me in a certain way screams "mom".... Dear God, I don't want to be that type of controlling person!