Can You Learn How To Love?

[Faolán]

After another broken relationship I finally came to conclude that I am not able to love another human being. I have never learnt what love between humans is like, so it doesn't exactly come as a surprise, but nevertheless it leaves me pretty much hopeless that I might ever experience what it's like.
I do know what love feels like in some sense - I had a wonderful dog until recently and he was the only "person" I trusted unconditionally and I would have done anything for him. I loved him with all my heart, when he was with me everything was perfect. My ex boyfriend used to say that about being with me - I could never think that way about him or any other guy and I don't think I'll ever be able to.

My T says it's a lot related to not loving myself and if I'm ready to appreciate myself for who I am and love myself I might be able to let another person into my heart. I don't know. I want to love somebody so much, it must be an awesome feeling. At the moment life doesn't make much sense to me if I'm never going to have that. I guess I'm looking for a confidence boost. Or maybe a little success story? Can we learn how to love? Am I even entitled to feel anything like that at all?

 

[Weemie]

You absolutely can. It involves trust. Holding yourself away, critically analyzing all of your interactions, that's what prevents you from really connecting and feeling. I still struggle with that. I dunno if I'll ever get past it, but sometimes I can feel the slight edges around my mind, where you're supposed to let go and be vulnerable and really trust another person and their input, instead of always holding that analytical part of yourself away, that dissociated part that floats above.

It's so natural to me it's a reflex, like breathing, like shutting your eyes when someone blows dust at you. But can it be learned? I think it can.

That's why it's so easy for us to love animals. You can trust them with your heart, and they simply don't have the capacity to break that trust. Even if they attack you, it's not malevolence. It's not true malevolence, humans are the only creatures who are really malevolent like that. We trust them, and because we trust them, we love them. We can be our real selves around animals, and we respond with overwhelming affection and love.

Everyone who knows me is amazed that I act just like you might expect someone to act around a baby, around my friend's cat. But around people and even babies I hold myself back, I am stiff, rigid, uncompromising.

 

[Friday]

Ya, Cherie. We can have that. I have had that.

Right now, I won't even get another dog, and I am beyond gun shy around people. I am morally opposed to anyone or anything trusting me... And it takes real conscious effort not to add 'ever again' to the end of that statement. Feelings aren't reality, but the way I feel, is never & always. I will never again have this, I will always be on my own.

Granted, that's a pretty true statement when I quit planning more than 2 minutes ahead years back. But, if we're lucky, the future is longer than 2 minutes long. Ever & Always is a long time. Can be, anyhow.

So can we? I would like to think so.

 

[Changing4Best]

I can tell you my opinion of what love is a bit. Maybe that could help you. To love someone you need to be interested in the things that interest them. You need to listen to them and understand their needs. You would enjoy being with them, even if the two of you are silently sitting in the same room together. Maybe one of you is knitting and the other is reading. The closeness gives one a feeling that is good. Giving the other person those things that are important to them is important too. For instance, if someone likes a certain kind of cooking, you would make it your business to learn to cook like that. (My husband enjoyed cooking for me, so cooking is not only a womanly art). Asking the other person how their day went and then telling them how yours went is good too. Or if you are at breakfast together, you might ask them what their plans are for the day, and see if you might fit into them somehow. These are just a few ideas. Love is personal, I find that I love different persons in different ways, according to their needs and wants.

The Bible defines love as follows:

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (This is In 1 Corinthians 13 of the New Living Translation of the Bible).

 

[Seasounds]

I'm ready to appreciate myself for who I am and love myself

This if the first step that I know to be the working foundation. Learning to speak to myself and others, with appreciation, instead of criticism was a big help.

Can we learn how to love?

Yes, I believe we can. Everyone may have their own journey to being able to.
In my own growth, I've put together some additional thoughts that help me, at least think I let unconditional love stay in the realm of relationships with animals and within spirituality.
Practically, I defined a working-relational love as consistent respect.

Then I began a process (still in it) of knowing how I feel respected, and developing the ability to speak out, non-violently (use 'I' statements instead of 'You' statements), when I don't feel respected. The other side of the coin, is that I need to develop the ability to respect others, and non-violently problem-solve with them, when conflicts arise.

It is a moment to moment process, of being alive and awake, with the skills to talk. And the courage to speak up, and initiate a possible conflict; I always try to gauge my 'working through' and 'how important is it' criteria, before I jump into that boat.

We trust them, and because we trust them, we love them.

This is how I think love can grow, for humans or animals, in the best of all worlds. Trust blooms into love.We all come with 'our baggage'-fears,anxieties, need for unconditional acceptance, etc, because we didn't get it as a child or because we don't know how to give it to ourselves.

The more I know how to access self-love, and manage my own baggage, in moments of relational tension, the better the relationship has to survive.

My process involved changing a childhood habit, where I kept seeking love from parents and people who were disrespectful and/or abusive. In that pattern, I always tried to be good enough, and not give up on getting love where I wanted it. This stubborn habit just led to further abuse in childhood and adulthood. Now, I know to secure up my self-appreciation and move on.

Or maybe a little success story?

I've experimented with getting closer to the people whom consistently demonstrate that they are able to respect me (at the level of our engagement ) and people with whom I can problem-solve. It has worked for me with one person. And, just like reality, there are challenges, therein, some of the time. (Happen to be in a challenge now, what a coincidence!:rolleyes: We take time to step back and let our egos mellow out, before spending more time together.This has demonstrated to work, before.

Overall, my quest to stay in self-appreciation has meant letting go of some friends, and/or taking more distance from them, and it has meant seeking ways to make new friends.

Am I even entitled to feel anything like that at all?

Absolutely, of course you are, as is everyone! I think is is a process, like you suggested, of cultivating all the necessary skills; it is a birthright, in my humble opinion. When humans fail me, I look to animals, nature, and my meditation practice.

Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone, in the moments of being disheartened.
:hug: Appreciation to you!

 

[illusionist]

It took me years to learn what deep love is ( other than my kids) and I have it now. To me, it was something that I had to let in, as well as allowing myself to be loved by someone. Even when I did allow myself to feel it I questioned it...it took time to become comfortable with it. Allowing myself to be loved took longer for some reason but got there in the end.

 

[Faolán]

Thanks so much for all your replies. I can't say much at the moment because reading your replies made me pretty emotional. But it is good to hear that maybe I can have some hope and it is also good to have something to work towards. I'm happy for all of you who were able to experience love before and who are still experiencing it. Thanks for sharing!

I'm sure it'll be a long and rocky road to go, but some day I'll hopefully start loving and trusting myself a bit more and will find it easier to let others into my life.

 

[Gadgie]

I don't think I will ever be able to fall in love again, as I think that when you have been so close to someone that they became your soul mate, you just can't get that close to anyone else.

I've been married twice in my life, and there will never be a third time, not just because of my age, more because I simply just can't go through that again?

Besides, who would want a screw up like me?

 

[Chincho]

I was married to my soul mate for 23 years. He passed away 7 months ago. There's no way I will ever love like that again.

 

[Ronin]

The way I see it, you don't have to love.

You can be with people you trust.

Love comes later, or comes not, but the trust is more foundational than 'love'.

Trust is possible, learnable in small steps. Love in my view is too messy a thing and needing too many steps, let's start somewhere else, with something I can have control over. How much trust I give is in my hands. How much I receive is also greatly in my hands, if I put effort into it.