Can You Really Forgive Your Abusers?

[J_trustno1]

I mean the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get about the idea of forgiving them for my lost innocence. I've had people tell me let go of the past and get over it. But how can you let go of it when your scars are so deep inside, when you are no longer you and when you have been psychologically destroyed. I don't think that I can ever forgive them, it is impossible. I may sound selfish but hey, what they have done was no way near nice. What do you guys think?

 

[PureDogs]

@jess_trustno1

Those people who tell you that it is all was in the past, let it go and get over with it - they does not know what they are talking about - it may tell you something that they may not have experience, don't have empathy, or don't understand. Let them go and find someone who actually understands you and doesn't say those statement.

For me - Do I forgive the abusers? Yes and set limits (Boundaries) toward them. Does that helps? Yes and No.

Yes -- Peace of mind and knowing that I am able to let it go peacefully with God's forgiveness.
No -- Damages has been done and put hard on me to trust again. Flashbacks based on triggers/stressors does bother me as well.

I kept on felling into same cycles and got tired of it. I used to be soft and welcome them back in my arm until the last one (That one who also has PTSD) decided to throw me off on the curb and betrayed me. Do I forgive this person? Yes, at same time, I set limit and stay away until the person actually change for good.

I'm so angry about this person because I thought the person actually understood and felt same until the end - throw me off. I think I need to stop myself before I start to vent this out about the person then lead to be off the point.

My apologize if I am sounding off the point.

Hope this helps.

 

[Orglethorp]

Forgiveness, I find, is often more helpful to the person forgiving than to the people being forgiven. Holding a grudge (poor word choice, but I can't think of a better one) takes energy, it sours your mood and outlook. I have forgiven my abuser, and I'm glad I did. I'm not wasting my energy ruminating on him or his actions beyond involuntary memories. I don't wish him harm (like many of my loved ones do). I sincerely hope and pray that some day he'll become a better person. I don't care what he thinks. He doesn't even know I've forgiven him. Forgiving him has brought me a little more peace. I spend my energy learning to thrive despite my past and the scars it has left me with.

I don't mean to say I'm not afraid of him, or that the things he did don't still haunt me. I am, and they do. If I ever ran into him, I'd do whatever's necessary to get away as quickly as possible and then melt into a quivering mess once safe. Forgiving someone doesn't require forgetting their actions, and it definitely doesn't mean you're validating them. It means you're collecting up all the hatred and other malicious feelings you have toward a person over their actions, deciding that you won't let that weigh you down anymore, and casting it off. What that person chooses to do with your forgiveness is their own issue, and shouldn't matter.

Forgiveness doesn't mean repairing or rebuilding bridges you've burned, either. In the case of abuse, those bridges should be burned. If you want to go with this metaphor, forgiveness means you're not going to keep running back to where the bridge used to be and lighting another fire, just to be sure. A rather radical and forward thinking former pastor I once knew made a good point about burning bridges in one of the last sermons I ever heard him deliver. If the people on the other side of the bridges you burned really care about you, they'll get a boat. Forgiveness works like that. You get to forget about the bridge. Don't worry about it. Your abuser probably isn't going to get a boat and row because that's too much work to get to someone they obviously didn't cherish, and that's not your problem. Burn the bridge and let yourself walk away.

Forgiveness isn't something you can do just once, either. In the beginning, and possibly again in tough times, you have to do it again and again until you mean it. Eventually it becomes true, and you feel better for it.

 

[J_trustno1]

@PureDogs : thanks. I am no way near forgiving them. I HATE them and I can never feel sorry for them ever. I will never have them in my life. Oh, one more thing, it makes me happy when something bad happens to them not that I am praying for their bad future or anything. I don't wish bad for anyone but when something evil happens to them due to their own mistakes, I get some happiness out it, I know I sound evil here but I just HATE them!

 

[J_trustno1]

@Orglethorp: you are very kind and generous. But I haven't reached that point of forgiving them. At the time being I am trying my best to stay away from them so their negativity doesn't get in the way of me trying to be a better person. I don't wish good or bad for them. It is the hate feeling. Most of the time I have no emotions for them because they don't deserve my empathy and they deserve what they have done. I am no one to curse them but forgiving is too far away at this time.

 

[soulsearcher]

Hate is like cancer and it desroys you bit by bit everyday!! I really don't think I need to forgive my abusers. I believe that I must forgive myself and grow from those bad expierences. My future and my happiness depends on me not my abusers.

Hope this helps. Wishing you all the best!

 

[LokiBell]

During my traumatic event, as he tried to take me from this world, my last words to him were "I forgive you." To me forgiveness means to take the burden from you and give it to God (I am a Christian). The cruelness another person inflicts on you then becomes their problem to own. Now I still do get angry and cry and ask why me? But I don't carry that burden anymore. Some people have questioned my ability to forgive, but I remind them that for me it isn't a choice. People can confuse forgiveness with trust and love but they are not synonymous terms. And as I go through my healing I continually practice saying I forgive him (in my thoughts and prayers). To me it takes away his power over my emotions. And when I am at my darkest hours. It does provide some light of hope for me. I hope this helps or at least gives you something to ponder on.

 

[onesie]

I was domestically abused and lived with a monster, that was able to almost kill me inside and out. I fought him in court and won. Then I met another sick person. Who was a severe alcoholic, turned out to harbor so much anger. He grabbed my throat in a argument over drinking, and he asked me if I was having flashbacks, and I said yes. He told me todays the day I'm going to die and he began squeezing my neck. I felt my life flash before me. I couldn't get away. Then I remembered my faith. I said inside my being, Jesus help me. Instantly he let go, and ran!! He also turned out to be a crossdresser. He threatened to kill me, if I told. He Hung himself at Christmas. I allowed people to abuse me, because I didn't think I mattered. For so long, I didn't understand why I kept getting hurt. I didn't love me. I just wanted anyone to love me. I have now after years and years of pain, now put me first. Learning to walk from painful negative people. Even stood up to my mother and chose to walk away. She is a severe alcoholic too. I have forgiven all of them. Not for them though. But for myself. For God. For Jesus Christ. If Jesus can forgive, then so can I. Doesn't mean I have to have them apart in my life though. I choose to fight for my happiness again.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Forgiveness means different things to different people. I am not angry at my abusers. I don't hate them or wish them harm. I have no grudges, nor do they occupy any of my mental space. By others definitions of forgiveness, yes, I appear to have forgiven. Yet, in my meaning of the word, I have not. Simply put, I have let it go. I am at peace with what happened. That is good enough for me.

And, to add, I see forgiveness as one more action regarding my abusers. Why should they get even that? I mentally made the decision to let it go once the reporting was done, and that was that. Dammit, I'm not going to let them push me into MORE mental anguish over the forgive or not to forgive thing. It sort of feeds into my whole notion that the biggest insult I can give to someone is to simply walk away. Being negative (in thought or action) shows I care on some level, and forgiveness is a positive action BUT again it shows that I've put thought (and care) into it, and dammit, my abusers don't deserve that! So yes, my "I don't give a damn" sort of attitude is my response. I don't care enough to forgive. I save my forgiveness for those I love and care about; those who want and deserve it.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Solara : very well stated. I am not sure where I am leading.

 

[roaminggnome]

I partially forgave one of my abusers. I wasn't planning on it-it just happened. I've learned that I don't have to forgive any of them. After all these years I still hate them and that is okay for me right now. I'm not at a point of forgiving the rest of them. There is too much pain and too much hurt. This is where I'm at at this particular moment.

 

[billie]

I'm not there yet. I want to kill mine (only wording and thoughts, I am not violent). My T says its a rational thought under the circumstances, and I have only just come to terms that it happened. I suspect every experience would promote a varied response.