Can You Really Forgive Your Abusers?

[Survivor2Thriver]

it was in fact a sincere apology and no,

Once again Solara you miss the point. Perhaps you have never faced evil. I can't say I don't know you. I do know if you have you would understand there is no such thing as an apology for evil. And if by chance you have and for reasons unknown giving them a second chance.. I sincerely hope you are careful.

 

[Barconian]

In my experience to not forgive is to hold myself hostage to a repayment that will never come. I am the only one who suffers.

Spot on @Mary I totally agree :)

 

[Mary]

@jess_trustno1 the kindness here is self-kindness. :)

Wishing you peace,
Mary

p.s. For what it's worth, I also see accepting an apology as separate from being made whole (with one exception*) or giving anyone a second chance. An apology is exactly like someone saying, "I know I owe you money". It is not paying back the money. It is not healing the harm. It is not restitution.

I will often say, "I accept your apology", because that reflects back that I acknowledge their self-awareness of harm done. I do not automatically say I forgive someone in response to an apology, unless there is some compelling reason for me to want to verbally release them from making restitution immediately.

Usually, with abusers, there is no apology and will never be restitution, so releasing them from making me whole (forgiveness) is a private affair inside my self.

*The only time an apology can be restitution itself, as opposed to merely recognition of harm done, is when the crime against me was denial of doing harm/marginalization/invalidation.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Mary : Very well said. I agree with you about self-kindness. Well it is not an apology when they only show crocodile tears and be the same person they have been for many years. I'm over the apology thing and I have realised that I can't please them or try proving them wrong my entire life like I have been all these 14yrs. I want to live my life not theirs so the moral of my story is to strive hard to improve myself as a human being and not repeat the same mistakes. Also, not living in the past where it was all pain but live in now and for me only. I know that it is difficult but not impossible. I hope you are moving forward and my best wishes are with you and many of us here.

 

[Mary]

Living in the now is possible. :) Yeah, it is work. Boy, is it. Good work, though. I am moving forward, and wish you strength in doing the same. Thanks for your wishes! Be well, Jess.

 

[white swan 2]

I came searching for this topic after my sister made a comment to a post I made about forgiveness.

My post was that I give my abuser a grace-card as in I do forgive him (I understand why he did what he did and I know he is remorseful (I've been told) he is my brother - I do love him) I'm focusing on how the abuse has made me a stronger and more empathetic person today (though still with the ptsd challenges) BUT I PLACED BOUDARIES there that I believe are healthy and smart... As in I forgive him but I dont want to see him or have him a part if my life.

As many of you mention the p t s d is hard wired and not a conscious decision to "hold on to the past" as they say. It is smart for me to have these boundaries while not holding a grudge against him.

NOW My sisters comment in reply to my comment of forgiveness with boundaries... She said "forgiveness is one of the hardest yet most important parts of life to be able to move forward in life and be truly happy... To let go of the past its a huge part of healing and to gain inner peace. Now I note that she too was abused but doesn't have ptsd (she was much older than me) so I don't think she gets it - she doesn't have ptsd and therefore cannot empathise.

It still makes me feel sad and inadequate - that she is saying I really Hav'nt forgiven him..., and I think in my heart she is right that I Hav'nt.

So I went searching for what really is forgiveness (I know it is something you have to do more than once - ie you forgive and repeat) but I came across this definition and with ptsd I don't think I can achieve it..... It is:

To forgive is to recognise the insubtantiality of the past and allow the present moment to be as is . That you completely let go of and of our suffering and ego emotions like fear, and any judgement etc.

I can to the first part , I can transform the suffering into inner peace by seeing through a lot of the wrong perceptions I had about my abuse like that it was my fault and that I had something wrong with me, I can see now that I am a whole person and have complete dignity. Yes I still have many lessons to learn that others don't that have not experienced abuse as in I need to learn what my own rightful sexuality is and how I want to express this as a grown woman.

But to be completely in the present (if he was to walk into the room now) my physical body would respond regardless of my conscious thoughts. I couldnt be completely present and at complete peace with him. I guess I don't trust him.

Goodness I think this just tells me I still have so far to go in my healing

This makes me feel frustrated and inpatient. To say I forgive but set boundaries for me breaks me from the past and sets me free in new life but I guess it leaves a hole in my past, in my childhood

 

[Karen12]

I think you can let go and move on without forgiving abusers. My view is that they will have to answer to God and that's enough for me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that part of the forgiveness argument is because those who say you need to forgive to heal cannot fathom that someone can simply let it go and not let the issue bother them anymore. So instead of forcing this belief on others, maybe these people should expand their minds and possibly try to accept that non-forgiveness doesn't mean someone is still angry, dwelling on the issue, letting it ruin their life, etc.

Funny how the forgiveness issue flips, right?

Why would anyone beg for forgiveness if forgiveness is all about the person who was done wrong? It seems like people twist this concept to suit the situation.

 

[afuneralinmybrain]

I mean the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get about the idea of forgiving them for my lost innocence. I've had people tell me let go of the past and get over it. But how can you let go of it when your scars are so deep inside, when you are no longer you and when you have been psychologically destroyed. I don't think that I can ever forgive them, it is impossible. I may sound selfish but hey, what they have done was no way near nice. What do you guys think?

No. I hope he is tortured slowly and dies choking on his own blood

 

[Friday]

To forgive is to recognise the insubtantiality of the past and allow the present moment to be as is . That you completely let go of and of our suffering and ego emotions like fear, and any judgement etc.

I like this version better : Forgiveness is giving up all hope... for a better past.

A lot of definitions of forgiveness seem to include some kind of amnesia. Wiping the slate clean, forgetting, not learning from past. That simply doesn't seem very useful to me. It's very DV. I forgive you. Punch. I forgive you. Punch. I forgive you. Punch. Ad naseam. That isn't forgiveness. That's blindness. And insanity.

Living purely in the moment, either presupposes that you would never pick up a hot coal, or that there are no hot coals to be picked up and learned from. Learning from the past, and being able to plan and adapt to the future, are both vital skills. As is not being consumed by the past, nor tripping in the future so one has no present. It seems to me tha the best course of action is marrying the two. Learn from the past, don't live in it. Plan for tomorrow, whilst enjoying today.

Living wholly in the present, forgets half of the equation. There is no balance. We need our tomorrow's and yesterday's as well as today. Or we aren't living. Simply surviving.

 

[RussH]

In my case I would say yes.

However, having said that, I think the forgiveness is dependent on several factors.
1, The kind of trauma they perpetrated.
2. How old you were when the trauma occurred.
3. The age of your abusers.
4. Did they continue the abuse after they learned how much it was hurting you?

For me the abuse was bullying that went on for several years, and included more people that I can remember. However the chief abusers I remember well, but I also recognize that they were only thirteen, fourteen year old kids and they were being kids. When I finally broke under the abuse, they stopped.

If there is anyone I have had trouble forgiving, it is the PE coach that I went to after a particular abuse occurred, and he looked at me with disdain and refused to do anything to help. It was not much longer after that when I broke.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that the most high would rather see you heal and recover than in a false forgiveness. I went through years of anguish over what my abusers had done to me, all of the damage. I was filled with the rage that comes with betrayal.

I believe that forgiveness is a process and many seasons of sorting through and making yourself healthy and strong is so important.

My parents were one of my abusers and they have both passed away, I cut off contact with the both of them. I had to grieve the many losses in my life. I think forgiveness is a deeply personal choice. For myself I finally grew enough to forgive all of my abusers and give them no more rent free space in my head. I would never be in relationship with my abusers because they are not aware enough to recognize the damage they did to me and to my family.

Mabe someday you wll be able to forgive them and let them go and stay away from them because they are so unaware and do not know the real damage they did to me. I call them evil beings.

But now I just call my my abusers weird and leave it at that. The most high would rather see you heal and recover right now than to do something impossible for you at this time.

Your abusers did the unforgettable damage to your spirit. I would get rid of all of the rage you feel at them first and this process may take years.

I wish you the very best.