Can't Believe I'm In A Ptsd Relationship

[The Albatross]

If you're content in the relationship as is, then by all means continue. But I think it's an unnecessary justification you're selling yourself when you say you've got health issues.

I am concerned though that you say "emotionally it may be too hard ... leaving a gap I can't fill." That sounds like you're selling yourself on putting blinders on voluntarily and letting the relationship continue as is. Why do you feel you need this?

The initial reason you posted is still there. You have talked to everybody except the other party in the relationship. That is a big red flag for me. What does HE say?

 

[p-no]

I find what your son said to be a good thing.

Also, I'd just like to say be careful with what to fill a void ever. If it's something negative, an empty void may be the better choice. I do mean the "if".

Don't ever lose sight of yourself.

 

[Loloma]

If you're content in the relationship as is, then by all means continue. But I think it's an unnecessary justification you're selling yourself when you say you've got health issues.

Because I'm dribbling on and don't know what the hell I'm doing? I don't know...., I'm confused. I want to talk to him in person, it's not something I would do on the phone. I get your point, it seems like a bit of a back flip doesn't it. Food for thought, I'll go and think about it.

 

[Loloma]

Alba, thanks won't see him till end of next week.

 

[The Albatross]

Glad my post was well received Loloma, I just know that intimate relationships are two people. You aren't going to be able to drive this thing solo... you have to be willing to have the conversation.

No matter how you sold this to yourself, the problem is... your mind KNOWS you sold it to yourself and are "settling" for what he can give. It would bite you in the butt eventually. It is a habitual thing... kicking the can down the road instead of picking it up and deciding where it belongs.

 

[Loloma]

Thinking about it Alba, I wrote in my diary before coming back to this thread. I believe this stems from childhood issues of no one being there for me when I needed help. Started when I was less than two.

Scared of being on my own, needing a life line. Runs really deep. I know it's off subject, but my mother ignored my cries and agony when my appendix burst, when I lapsed into unconsciousness. I nearly died, spent 6 weeks in hospital and another 6 weeks in a nursing home.

Hence the whole health issue thing. Perhaps a trigger for lapses in judgement. It's all in the head my dear. :confused::eek:

 

[The Albatross]

I guess there is some progress to be made on examining the core beliefs about relationships, if you're already playing old tapes, you're likely to steer this relationship for a time, but ultimately unless some mutual ground can be afforded, it will hit a dead end for him, for you or for both.

 

[Loloma]

The situation with my friend has altered some, since I first posted on Monday. He has called and texted all week. Thought I wouldn't see him till end of next week. I haven't texted him first at all, it has been him who is making all the contact.

He will be coming to my place on Sunday after lunch and we will go the harbour quay for a walk and a drink. He asked if he could cooking dinner for me, "lamb roast" on Sunday evening. At least when we go to the harbour, I will have a chance to talk to him and sort out where we are at. He apologised for not coming to visit sooner, saying he had other commitments he had prearranged. Even told me what they were.

This is a definite change from before. Perhaps there is some hope. Will know more after Sunday.

 

[Loloma]

My friend came for dinner on Sunday. We decided to just stay home and talk instead of going out. I asked him point blank whether we just had an arrangement or a relationship. He was a bit taken back at first, but said we were in a relationship.

He admitted that he had relocated and was living in town. That he had been busy arranging storage for his furniture etc. and had moved in with a friend for the time being. The last year had been very hard for him, the company had downsized and he was worried about his job, whether he would still have one in six months. There had been many changes including him being moved from one place to the other on short notice.

Until he felt a little more stable he didn't want to make any long term plans for the future. He has to travel to two different states over the coming couple of weeks for work, so I won't be seeing him for about two weeks. I was reassured that everything is alright, and he didn't realise about the concerns I had.

I will give him more time and see where we go from now. We discussed PTSD and I told him about the forum, which he said he should look into. Time will tell, honesty and talking to each other is the best policy.

 

[p-no]

Loloma, you wrote a lot about him and what he said and claimed to have done. But what did listening to all that make you feel/think? No question to be answered for me, but I was wondering, because reading what you wrote did something in me.

 

[Loloma]

How did it make me feel. Still have problems answering the question. The word "feel" confuses me. I felt a lot better about the whole situation, and I do believe he is telling me the truth.

I like him a lot. Am holding back on the feelings, until I feel safe in my mind. We talked a lot about PTSD, his childhood and mine which are so similar. His 2nd wife took off with his best friend. We are both fragile people. I want to give this a fair chance, as I do believe we could have a future together.

The way I wrote my previous post comes across like I am making excuses for him. I am only saying what my observations are from the visit. It is easier for me to explain situations from a logical point of view, than from an emotional level.

 

[Abstract]

Loloma,
I think I may be on a different track to everyone else who has answered you in one respect. Partly because I have come in at the end I am sure. I do think its possible that there is no uber sinister motivation for his actions. I think what others have said to you is wise. That you should look at what is done and not just what is said. That you should listen to your instincts. And that you should be cautious.

If he has PTSD then there will be issues that come along for the ride with him sadly. I guess it all depends on how he acts in the next period of time. Its a little positive that he seems to have given you an explanation without you having asked for it. And I do think that if one has PTSD it can be necessary to compartmentalise to a point (spoon theory) especially when there is a lot to deal with.

The important part is that you continue to listen to yourself and stop yourself from ignoring any signs as you go along. Thats what normally gets me into trouble. I become a zombie and "cancel" out any red flags or my own feelings.