Can't Forgive Myself

[Iam]

Wow....a HUGE thanks to every single one of you for your support. What I am speaking of is an intentional action as an adult in the very recent past. As my T says the one good thing brought about because of it is that it got me into therapy. It's hard to forgive a huge mistake made knowingly as an adult. Would I forgive another for the same mistake? Yes, I would.

My T said today that it's my inner critic that is not willing to forgive.That it is very strong and very young. We went back to the earliest trauma (nothing huge) and found that she started when I was two. Using EMDR we managed to get me to the point where I can have compassion for that part of myself. Now maybe it will stop blocking me. Good session, good progress ;o)

Thanks again everyone. Your support was really needed and very comforting. (((HUGS)))

 

[anni]

I hope you're still making progress, Iam. It seems to me it's tougher than ever in recent years to allow self-forgiveness in an increasingly unforgiving world, you know? In these days of virulent press, people are flushed down the societal toilet for things which would not have even been made public knowledge in years gone by. There's an intolerance bordering on fanatacism- so cut and dried, that whew- it seems the entire world is judge, jury and executioner. If people were perfect, God would be out of a job in a big hurry. Oh, except my ex-husband. He'll be happy to tell you he's perfect and has applied for God's job- still waiting for the references to clear.

Sorry to ramble a little on your thread- I just hate to see you so tough on yourself when you've been so clearly resolved towards growth across the board. Lovely to see how far you've come, and through what pain. Thanks for sharing so much of this. XO.

 

[Iam]

If people were perfect, God would be out of a job in a big hurry. Oh, except my ex-husband. He'll be happy to tell you he's perfect and has applied for God's job- still waiting for the references to clear.

Sorry if I shouldn't LOL at this statement, but I love the way you put it Anni....LOL ;)

Doing better today, finding my heart is far more open than it has been in many years. Kind of scary though.....Today I am to write a letter to my two year old critic. Last letter to this part of myself didn't go so well. I think it will be different this time, I suspect I will cry for and with her. I hate crying, but it is cleansing. It amazes me how writing letters to different parts of myself is so healing. Very thankful for my T who has such incredible insight.

Hugs Anni. You are such a sweet spirit. <3

 

[anni]

Hee- that was a nice thing to say, thank you! I'll have to remind the ex SOMEONE thinks so. :) Yes, he deeply suspects I laugh at his expense but is too full of self importance to really believe anyone possibly could. You know the type. I LOL all the time with him as the punch-line, but he pretty much deserves it.

Amazing how a good T can get that corner turned- one can see relief and healing in sight. That 'Therapists I could do without' thread has my fingerprints on it, then like you found The One. Blessings, aren't they?

 

[Iam]

Oh man are you right there Anni. What bothers me though is that I feel so dependent on my T's and wonder if I will ever get to the point that I don't need them any more (or at least one of them LOL!) I suppose even if I do, I should just be thankful that God led me to them

 

[Jawn]

I believe you will get to the point you aren't so dependent on them Iam, but it will take time. You are moving forward and getting better. Some times you don't see it, but the rest of us do. So keep it up. And remember (in my best Rob Schneider voice) "You can do it!"

Jawn

 

[cherryblossom]

I know I'm a bit late with this, but just want to say hang in there.
Therapy does that - makes us face things we don't want to face, and stirs up a whole load of emotions. Guilt and shame can be over-come, and I imagine your T will guide you in this over your next sessions. Therapy is hard, for exactly these reasons, but ..... it will get better. You must have read so many times how sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. It sounds like you are at that stage now, with this particular issue.

You will work out a way to forgive yourself, and live with yourself. We are all only human, and we all make mistakes. So long as we learn from our mistakes, apologise for our wrong doings, show that we will not make the same mistake again, and most importantly accept that however much we might want to, we can't change the past. I'm not saying let yourself off the hook, but learn to accept that what's done is done. You can't change the past, you can only change your future, and punishing yourself forever is not the answer.

You have said that you would forgive someone else for the same wrong doing. Please apply that to yourself. You do deserve the love given to you, because you are a good person.

 

[Iam]

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You will work out a way to forgive yourself, and live with yourself. We are all only human, and we all make mistakes. So long as we learn from our mistakes, apologise for our wrong doings, show that we will not make the same mistake again, and most importantly accept that however much we might want to, we can't change the past. I'm not saying let yourself off the hook, but learn to accept that what's done is done. You can't change the past, you can only change your future, and punishing yourself forever is not the answer.

I do hope I can get to that point CB. I am learning to have compassion for the different parts of myself. That is fairly easy to do with the younger parts, much harder with the adult part. Ha......and I laughed when my T asked me some time ago if I was a perfectionist. Didn't believe it then.......see it very clearly now.

When I was about 30 or so someone told me not to be afraid of making mistakes, everyone does, that's why there are erasers on pencils. At the time I thought, "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THAT BEFORE?" There is freedom in accepting that we are imperfect humans. It's seems hard to apply this to the bigger mistakes though.

 

[cherryblossom]

When I was about 30 or so someone told me not to be afraid of making mistakes, everyone does, that's why there are erasers on pencils. At the time I thought, "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THAT BEFORE?" There is freedom in accepting that we are imperfect humans. It's seems hard to apply this to the bigger mistakes though.

Yep! It seems to have taken me a long time to work that out too - but we all make mistakes. So, you are not alone. Yes, I agree - bigger mistakes are harder to live with, although I guess the process to forgive ourselves is much the same? Hang in there

 

[blueangel371115]

I hope this finds you feeling better. I've been on the depression rollercoaster since my teens. In this site, I find solace (( hugs to you all)). I understand how you are feeling. Part of the PTSD I have comes from an incident when I was 10. I'm not going into it just yet but suffice to say. 16 years of undiagnosed PTSD makes life difficult. I feel a lot of guilt. I spend much of my life waiting 'for the other shoe to drop'. But talking about it here and in therapy helps. Wishing you the best, hang in there.

 

[Grace11]

Lam - I think shame is the hardest part of all of this. It's what makes me hide under the covers and want to disappear from the world.

That's where I am, once again. I find myself making strides and feeling so positive and then it comes crashing down every.single.month. I have not figured out how to handle PTSD when I have PMS (already had this problem for years). I am acting out again. Thought that was over. Angry. Sad. Ashamed. I already lashed out at people, now I am in the recluse stage where I want to hide from everyone and never want to see anyone who is stupid enough to love me again. I loathe myself. I hate feeling like I've made strides only to feel this awful again. Is this ever going to get better? It's not fair to the people who are stuck with dealing with me....oh, now the crying is back and I am ashamed of that, too.

I'm sorry for being depressing. I just wanted you to know I am suffering, too, and it hurts. It sucks. It will get better again, though. I do not feel like it will. But my brain KNOWS it will, so I just have to trust it and try to forgive myself as I would forgive someone else like me.

 

[Iam]

That's where I am, once again. I find myself making strides and feeling so positive and then it comes crashing down every.single.month
Hate feeling like I've made strides only to feel this awful again. Is this ever going to get better? It's not fair to the people who are stuck with dealing with me....oh, now the crying is back and I am ashamed of that, too.

(((HUGS))) Grace. I am sorry that you struggle so, that you are in so much pain. My T said Friday that I need to stop thinking of it as progress, then sliding back. She said it is the inner critic that is looking at it that way. Overall, we are making progress. It's just so damned frustrating to feel good and then, all of a sudden, the world crashes in on you isn't it? For the most part I have trouble expressing my anger, for me, I just go straight into depression and isolation mode.

Taking my T's words into consideration though, I can see that overall, I have made progress. My other T reminded me that it's not just one trauma that I am working thru. That as I approach each trauma new feelings are bound to surface which tie into other traumas creating new areas that need attention not only in the "new" trauma that I am working thru, but also in the traumas previously talked about. The complexity of it all does bring up some anger which I guess is good. He says I need to be able to express the anger (something you are able to do. Albeit it sounds like in unhealthy ways.) The key for you is maybe learning to get the anger out in constructive ways (i.e. yelling into and hitting a pillow) I actually envy that you can feel and express your anger.