Can't Forgive Myself

[Grace11]

(((HUGS))) Grace. I am sorry that you struggle so, that you are in so much pain.

The complexity of it all does bring up some anger which I guess is good. He says I need to be able to express the anger (something you are able to do. Albeit it sounds like in unhealthy ways.) The key for you is maybe learning to get the anger out in constructive ways (i.e. yelling into and hitting a pillow) I actually envy that you can feel and express your anger.

Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, I definitely express my anger in unhealthy ways....I am forcing myself to go for a run right now as it's the only thing I have found helpful. I might try attacking the pillow soon, though :) I think a huge problem for me is the rate at which I go from tolerating whatever is going on to mean, angry, overly expressive and out of control with my words. I definitely need to ask my T about coping skills - recognizing somehow when I am going to lose it before it gets to that point.

It sounds like your T is helping a lot and it is great that you know you're making progress.

 

[Iam]

Thank you for your kind words.

I am forcing myself to go for a run right now as it's the only thing I have found helpful. I might try attacking the pillow soon, though :) I think a huge problem for me is the rate at which I go from tolerating whatever is going on to mean, angry, overly expressive and out of control with my words. I definitely need to ask my T about coping skills - recognizing somehow when I am going to lose it before it gets to that point.

Good for you Grace. Both of my Ts run. I hate it, but like swimming and weight lifting. I do find that physical exertion helps. I understand about how rapidly not being able to cope comes on. It seems impossible to implement coping skills when that happens. Learning new coping skills is a great idea. Then we have to keep practicing them until they become second nature.

You are making progress just in the fact that you are forcing yourself to do something that will help. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I understand and do it myself too (as my Ts keep pointing out). I think it's great that you recognize what is happening, that is part of the battle. You want to make positive changes, yet another part of the battle won. You'll get there, your desire will make sure that you win.

 

[Xibalba]

IAM forgiven.
YOU ARE forgiven.

 

[Iam]

Not sure if it will be helpful at all, but a post from my old blog
[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/guilt-vs-regret-and-forgiving-yourself.13652/[/DLMURL]

I am not sure how I missed this Curiouser. I think I must have kind of dropped of the end of the earth for awhile. This is very good. Thank you so much. I miss your blogs.

 

[Iam]

YOU ARE forgiven.

Thanks Xibalba. I really appreciate your kind words.

Funny that you should post this now. I am reading "A Clinician's Guide To PTSD" and just finished reading the difference between guilt and regret. Then because of your post I saw Curiouser's that included a link on this exact subject.

Still don't know how I could possibly be forgiven, though I do believe God forgives me. I am getting closer to forgiving myself.

 

[Xibalba]

Without getting too off-topic and too new-agey, you are forgiven already because nothing ever really happened. You can PM me for more on that stuff, if you like, so the thread doesn't derail.

 

[Iam]

There is nothing new under the sun. I do not believe time is linear, it is a complete circle. Everything exists at once.That is why God is prescience. If He already knew and loves me anyway, He has already forgiven me. If God, the ultimate judge, forgives me, who am I not to forgive myself? It's done, it can't be changed, but I can learn from my mistakes.

Sorry for the diatribe. I woke up this morning in major physical pain. I had worked very hard in physical therapy to get as pain free as possible. I decided that I am not going to let myself get back to the point of incapacitating pain again so got up and did some stretching exercises. Then as I was feeding my horses I realized if I can decide to take care of myself physically that I can do it emotionally as well. No more allowing myself to wallow and miss out on the good life I already have. It's my choice and in my control. Does that make any sense?

 

[KP the nut]

Then as I was feeding my horses I realized if I can decide to take care of myself physically that I can do it emotionally as well. No more allowing myself to wallow and miss out on the good life I already have. It's my choice and in my control.

(((Iam)))

This is IMHO a major step forward. We all need to love ourselves, to care and nurture ourselves. I have begun this, I'm not always successful BUT for the most part I am feeling physically and emotionally better. Not totally fixed, still rather fragile at times but definitely better.

This is now down to you, and we will support you all the way.
Take care
Love
KP

 

[Heather]

Then as I was feeding my horses I realized if I can decide to take care of myself physically that I can do it emotionally as well. No more allowing myself to wallow and miss out on the good life I already have. It's my choice and in my control.

Lam! Kuddos to you girlfriend. THAT IS SO AWESOME. Can you help me absorb some of what you "got"? Does osmosis work? That is a huge accomplishment. Be proud of yourself.

Hugs and much love. Heather.

 

[Iam]

Haha....yeah Heather, actually I do think osmosis works! ;) I don't know about proud, just thankful to feel this way today. Have to admit though, I'm leaving soon for my EMDR session and I am already nervous, but it's ok because I know the exposure therapy is working even if it is awful at the time :oops: I think ultimately it is what is helping me to get back to the more positive attitude that I am in control of how I choose to react to anything, pleasant or not, in life.

Thanks for the kudos and encouragement Heather :D