Catastrophizing

[Sweetpea76]

What do you do when your sufferer is stuck in a distorted cognition? Specifically catastrophizing and black and white thinking? Do I listen and indulge? Or do I try to gently reason?

 

[Abstract]

how defensive is he usually as a person, in context of the type of relationship you have?

 

[Friday]

I usually ask if they’re venting or want solutions?

Mostly because I have a hard time not lobbing solutions at problems, no matter how bizarre or unlikely (because that’s how I deal with my own catastrphizing), and need a reason to STFU and eat my ice cream in silence.

 

[Sweetpea76]

By nature he's a pretty reasonable guy, and typically he's a good communicator. That can easily fly out the window when the stress cup is filling though.

I've asked if he just wanted me to listen or if he wanted input. He said there was no input because "it's just how it is".

 

[LuckiLee]

Good question! It seems whatever I do or don't do doesn't work. If I make comments? They're wrong. If I'm quite and move along? I'm ignoring him. Dammed if I do. Dammed if I don't. I'm gonna use Friday's advice and ask. Lol. Wtf didn't I think of that? Because like her, I want to come up with solutions.

 

[Abstract]

Would directness combined with humour work? Since you have already asked. Agree with asking.

 

[Freida]

If I make comments? They're wrong. If I'm quite and move along? I'm ignoring him.

I laughed so hard I snorted wine out my nose because hubby could have written that sentence!!!
well crap. Another thing I don't think about. :rolleyes:

But yea, now that you've pointed it out... when I'm catastrophizing there is no good answer because the world is ending so whatever you say is just...useless. But if you don't say something then you don't love me anymore. So then I catatrophize my catastrophizing! yeah me - overachieving wherever I go.

I like @Friday s idea but I don't know if I could answer what kind of response I want....because...well... the world is ending. :banghead:

 

[Hojay]

Oh yes, been there multiple times. Damned if you engage, damned if you don’t. What really started helping in these situation, though, was straightforward empathy. It felt somewhat foreign and weird at first—especially when these things pertain to me—because essentially I have to really take a huge step back and apply this consciously. But it’s made a huge difference.

Sentences like, “I understand how you may feel that way...” “yes, X is a scary prospect and you must be frightened that will be the case...” “I can hear how scared you are of X...” “I get how hopeless you feel right now, especially if you feel so strongly about X...” “I sense you feel like you have no options.” “I understand how y may lead you to believe x...” “It’s alright that you see it that way right now...” “You must be really scared x is the case, that’s an awful feeling.”

Essentially, it’s about finding something in there to validate without validating the distortion.

If it’s directly about me I may say, “I get how awful it feels to think X. That’s a really shitty feeling to have. If you’re open right now, I’d like to explain to you what I meant by Y/how I really feel/(insert whatever true reality.”

These sentences usually elicit further catastrophizing, but when those are met with empathy as well, it soon narrows down to the heart of the matter and becomes less about the thing and more about the fear and feelings behind it.

I think, at the end of the day, my guy just wants to be heard in those moments. Not told he’s wrong, not be helped to see it another way, not cause me to see it the same way, just heard and accepted. The more I’ve done that the quicker he comes around to seeing gray tones again. That’s especially difficult when the distorted thinking is about us and me and I have to work through my own fears of what this may mean for me and us in the future.

So a few challenges I’ve seen are:
1. Recognizing it’s happening. Because it can slip in any minute and they can be so darn convincing and veiled
2. Divorcing what he’s saying from my sense of reality and not taking it personally
3. Finding the right distance and words to offer empathy without encouraging and confirming the content of his catastrophe (only his feelings about it.)
4. Refraining from inadvertently buying into the catastrophe
5. Accepting that return to reason won’t be instant
6. Living with the anxiety that he may fully buy into the catastrophe or black and white thinking, and act accordingly.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

It seems whatever I do or don't do doesn't work. If I make comments? They're wrong. If I'm quite and move along? I'm ignoring him. Dammed if I do. Dammed if I don't.

Does anyone have a name for this?
It's what I struggled with most, with both my ex'es who had PTSD.
That situation, where EVERYTHING you do or don't do is wrong, just because.
I started a thread on it a while back and called it "dysregulation" but I don't know if that's the right term for it?
It's an intense dynamic and *in the moment* it used to really freak me out.
I can observe/ analyse it from a distance, but faced with it I'm like :eek: :eek:
Children are pretty good at doing this too.
Would you say "dysregulation" is the best fit, or can it be named/ described better?
@Friday do you have an idea re this?

 

[scout86]

Is he aware, in his better moments, that catastrophizing is a "thing", and that he does it sometimes? Seems like that would make a difference.

 

[Sweetpea76]

God love him, but he thinks he knows everything sometimes... he's a very intelligent guy, and he's pretty insightful normally, but he turns into the most stubborn ass ever when he gets like this. It's a trait that gets worse the more stressed he is, and I recognize it for what it is.

The VA are morons, the doctors are morons, nobody knows what's really going on but him, etc. Paperwork is pointless, veteran's groups shouldn't be doing the VAs job for them so he refuses to use them, etc.

He's worked himself up pretty good about some clerical tasks that need done. Normally I let him do him and just listen, but this is pretty urgent and time sensitive. I do most of the household paperwork, but he's dug his heels this time and won't even let me attempt to help, because it's "hopeless" and suddenly he's "toxic" if he relies on me too much.

It's not even bad news! It's actually beneficial for him to complete it... and it needs done, like yesterday.

I understand the stress is paralyzing him. I'm not pressing the matter, arguing, or trying to force him to do something he's not capable of... but shit needs to get done in reality world for the sake of the household and I'm resisting boot-in-ass urges.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Can you call the place that wants the paperwork and say that he's so symptomatic right now he CAN'T fill it out and you need a fortnight's extension?