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Changing4Best

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I felt like I had a ton of bricks on my back this morning. I sat and stared at the clock for over an hour, before I finally took the garbage out. I did some reading, but other than that I sure didn't do much else. We've been being deluged with rain, so I know that's part of it.
 

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I am struggling with feeling bad about myself today. I woke during the night feeling high anxiety and panic - - did some Self Compassion Breaks - small amount of Radical Acceptance - listening to news to distract - that didn't help - listened to a Science show - listening to calm and rational thinking - then had a cold shower - then had a hot bath - then listening to Coronacast on the ABC - then was still really high anxiety - so thought I would do a yoga pose outside - but had to clean it so I did that then I did some gardening and I really calmed down a lot then I started sowing seeds. So that was a significant improvement.

I thought my online singing lesson had been put back until 2.30pm today but that was an option for yesterday, so it was 10.30am today - we did the breathing and I dissolved into tears. I told her I suffer from anxiety. I can't explain the battle I am having with my OCD thinking and PTSD but her suggestions were solid. She was kind. She gave me some breathing exercises so I will do those regularly. I am breathing so shallowly that when I start to breathe I feel light headed and anxious and then emotional or upset, so I need to slow down enough to go about my day breathing - read about that in Laurence Heller's Developmental Trauma. So grounding is important.

I am sabotaging myself with my OCD thinking. I am attacking myself. So I went out yesterday wearing a mask to a low risk situation and came home and did the David Burns three column thought challenging - Automatic Negative Thoughts, Cognitive Bias, Rationalist Countering and I did that but I still felt SO bad. So I rang a phone line which helped a lot and I cried and then I was a bit better. I didn't comfort eat last night which was really good. Doing really well with not doing the comfort eating but overall feel worse so it will take time for that to readjust and normalise.

I don't have to think about being a teacher until February next year - so it's a waste of time thinking about it but I am ruminating and going yesterday was hard because I have missed out on some stuff and I felt sad. I felt like I babbled like an idiot and I told some lies to avoid shame and then felt massive shame for doing that. Maybe I have to accept that I can't contact with people? When I started to get on top of my OCD thinking I contacted some people and found that they hadn't rejected me. So I had an impulse to be connected to people again.
 
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