Child Grooming: I Can't Wrap My Head Around It

[Britt.f7]

Ayesha, that sounds good about going to a mall and observing those young girls. It has really helped me over the years, to see my boys at various ages, and to realize how innocent I really was. It was through them that I really started finding my forgiveness of me.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

How do you not blame yourself?

I am struggling with blame. I feel like I MUST share some of the blame. No way can I blame everyone else for the things that happened. Isn't that a common thing to hear, about how you can't blame everyone else for your problems? 'You made your bed now lie in it.', which I think is the worse quote ever.

How can I blame 10+ predators and the adults that knew and didn't help me?

So my brain is split. One half is telling me that I was a kid and I was groomed and I had terrible parents and another half is telling me that I can't blame everyone else for my stupidity. I mean, I 'dug my own grave' so to speak.

Yes, I was trafficked. Used for sex. Used for getting men off. Sexual Object. Pornography. But I did it myself! I could have said no.

I feel so damn disgusted with myself.

 

[cherryblossom]

Ayesha, I apologise if I've said this already, but do you blame other victims /survivors for what happened to them? I seriously doubt it. So why are you to blame for what happened? Try to think about it logically.

If your posts were written by someone else, would you agree that they are to blame? Would you be so hard on a friend as you are being on yourself?

You have to become your own best friend. Give yourself some compassion and nurturing. You deserve to feel so much better than you do right now. Please be kinder to yourself :hug:

 

[DharmaGirl]

I can read all you've written, Ayesha, and hold you in compassion. I was a child whore myself, although my therapist will not allow me to call myself that. He says it wasn't my choice. One of our greatest needs is human contact, and we all go to great lengths to get it.

I could never hold myself in compassion until I found a picture of myself at 2 years old. I looked hollow-eyed and like life had nothing good in it. I was finally able to have compassion for that baby, even though I didn't feel connected to it. So its a start. Maybe you can find a picture of yourself that you can hold in compassion, and start from there. Gentle hugs to you.

 

[Britt.f7]

Ayesha, I was much older then you when I also had my blame moment. A trusted, male friend took advantage of me despite my telling him no, while I was drunk. Thankfully it was only a kiss, but I felt guilty and I was the one blamed for it happening from my "friends",one them being his wife. He wasn't drunk. I tried to push him off. I trusted him with my well being. I trusted his wife. I learned the hard way that I couldn't trust either of them.

I feel bad for what happened but they took advantage of me. Maybe if I hadn't had what happened to me in my youth, taught to "accept" it, and always be nice, I would have decked the jerk despite my drunken state.

These people took advantage of you. They took advantage of a child's need to be wanted and loved. You had a child's mind, not an adults. Unfortunately, even adults who have been through some of the things we have been through do exactly what you have done. You read about it all the time. They are adults and they fall into this lull of trusting. Please try not to be so hard on yourself.

Yes, there are things we should take responsibility for, but this is not one of them.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I had a good session with my therapist about my childhood. He wants me to make a list of the things that bother me the most about the child pornography/ sex trafficking I was in.

My List: (!)

1. It was my fault.
2. I encouraged it.
3. I corrupted some of those men. I don't think they would have been child predators, it's only becasue I came along already messed up and encouraged it.

Wow, never said that last one before.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I feel that way about all except for very young abuse Ayesha. But adults who can see how old you are, are responsible for their actions.

For me, taking responsibility is easier than feeling like I was used and abused. But I take it too far and have ended up feeling responsible for everybody's actions and feelings.

So I find a compromise in understanding the difference between blame and responsibility. Blame is negative thinking, and the resulting action is to harm yourself, your recovery or sabotage your happiness in some way. Whereas the resulting action from taking responsibility is to look if there is anything you can change in order to keep you safer next time.

So, in terms of my adult abuse (adult, not teen), my desperate need for love and approval makes me susceptible to controlling men. My willingness to take responsibility for everything too, makes me stay in relationships that are abusive. I have those vulnerabilities. But I don't force the man to prey on those vulnerabilities and choose to abuse. That is his choice.

I can't change him, so my only responsibility is to look at how I can change my thinking styles, and my emotional issues. That's what I'm doing in therapy. And that helps me to feel more in control.

 

[angel2write]

1. I encouraged it.
2. I corrupted some of those men. I don't think they would have been child predators, it's only becasue I came along already messed up and encouraged it.

Wow, never said that last one before.

This is exactly the advice I was reading down to the end of this to give you. I think you do feel at fault for some of it, and here you have done a brilliant job of finding exactly what you feel guilty for: you encouraged it (for whatever good or bad reason) and you might have encouraged some men who were borderline on it.

If you look at it the right way, you can see that you were trying to control them into giving you what you needed (affection and attention) by using a sexual lure. They were BY FAR the most guilty, but you did have a part to play. In my case, I didn't do it on line, but I would find boys who had never had sex to date, then give them sexual attention to get them to give me affection. I was sort of buying their pretend love, if you know what I mean. It was a corrupted trade from the beginning.

I was, like you, denied healthy attention, care and affection at home. I found an unhealthy way to meet that need. And I do bear some responsibility for that. Like you, I think I knew that it was wrong, but I was so desperate that I didn't care.

So your question is, how to make yourself feel better? I guess what I'd ask is, are you sorry for the part you played? Just say sorry. Maybe write a letter or pray or something and acknowledge that you contributed to the mess and you regret it. And then maybe some of the guilt will go.

What they did to you isn't your fault. Maybe if you can get rid of some of the guilt, you'll be better able to deal with the shame of being exploited and neglected like that. You're CERTAINLY not the only woman in the world to exchange sexual favors for "love," affection, security, attention, or even money. And I don't blame you. How could I? If I'm honest with myself, I'll admit that I did it, too. I wouldn't do it now, but I have a lot more resources now than I did then.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Therapist always asks if I have any more 'secrets' I have not told him. I always say I don't know becasue I truly don't. I am sure there are lots but I have blanked them out.

Well, I thought of one and would like to share. This is very hard becasue I have never shared in this detail. I told my therapist that the first person I remember being attracted to was a female. He asked who and I said a babysitter. He asked how old...etc.

"Did you touch each other?" He wanted to know.

Me: "Yes, but I am not talking about it." And we have never talked about it sense.

I am very young. Maybe 6 or 7 years old. I have a babysitter, she is in high school maybe 17. Looking back on the memory she is the first female I felt sexually attracted too. But being that young I didn't know what I was feeling.

I don't how the touching started. All I remember is rubbing her back, like messaging her. I remember wanting to see her breasts and trying too. I remember her messaging me too. I liked being touched. I enjoyed it and was excited about it. Not sure if it was sexually excitement.

I don't blame her. I don't really think she thought what she was doing was wrong. I think I was with her maybe 2 or 3 times. I don't remember anything else about her.

I find the memory to be deeply embarrassing.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Yes, I said innocent. As in no blame, no shame. Completely innocent.

none of this was your "fault"

So that wasn't your fault at all.

What they did to you isn't your fault.

I know everyone keeps saying it wasn't my fault. I know I keep fighting that. I know I probably sound stupid for fighting it.

But I haven't been able to move past how all the ways I think it is my fault. I am not trying to be difficult with everybody. I just can't see it.

Sorry. :(

 

[angel2write]

I guess it takes time to change your whole understanding of what happened in your life. I mean, you've thought it was your fault for how many years? A long time, I'm betting. It's hard to suddenly change that.

And it is true that I feel more guilt for the things I participated in more or less voluntarily. The ways in which I was complicit with the people that used me. I feel a need to be punished a lot. Of course, I think part of the reason I did the stuff then that I did was because I felt worthless & like I needed to be used & punished. I'm only slowly beginning to feel like it's ok for me to have good things in my life. I still don't feel like I deserve them after the bad things I did, but I'm beginning to be able to accept them.

I don't know- I'm not really saying anything helpful. But I did want to say that I understand how you feel.

 

[Britt.f7]

No need to be sorry. You've spent a great deal of time believing it was your fault, it is hard to change that idea. I remember counselors and a teacher telling me it is never the child's fault. I remind myself of that whenever I try to take blame for some of the things that happened to me. Try to just take responsibility for being a child, not an adult. I get if that is hard, I know it was hard for me. A teenager is not an adult. I look at my teens and still see an innocence in how they look at the world and adults.

Adults put it in a child's head that they were acting provocatively and leading them on. It was the adults responsibility to not encourage that behavior and to put the brakes on. They were the adult. I've made it my responsibility, since having children, and before hand with children, to make sure I was always responsible for my behavior. That I was in control. As a child they have less control. How an adult reacts is in the adults control, regardless if they try to blame it on the kid. Whenever my mom would hit me as a child, or lost control on me, she blamed me. It was always something I provoked. I made sure not to do that with my kids. It's not easy, but the way I react should not be something they are responsible for.

I wish you tender healing.