Child Grooming: I Can't Wrap My Head Around It

[Meadowsweet]

I know everyone keeps saying it wasn't my fault.

But I haven't been able to move past how all the ways I think it is my fault. I am not trying to be difficult with everybody. I just can't see it.

Sorry. :(

You don't need to apologise, it's your choice. But I didn't only say it wasn't your fault. I also gave you a way in which you could take responsibility for yourself, without looking for blame either way.

 

[angel2write]

Britt's comments reminded me of something else. I've heard that human's brains don't fully develop until they're around twenty five, and one of the last things we acquire is an understanding of danger. Until they hit their mid-twenties, kids don't realize that bad things can happen to them. They do all kinds of dangerous stuff, not realizing the danger that they're in. Because they simply cannot see it yet.

Which is why adults and laws and internet age limits are there- to try and protect kids until they're aware enough of the dangers to protect themselves. If the adults don't do their jobs, teens aren't going to use seat belts or safe sex, floss their teeth, eat healthy, protect themselves on the internet, or avoid dating dangerous and exciting men who make them promises they have no intention of keeping. I'm the mom of two teenagers, and although they are both very bright kids, they have trouble focusing long enough to protect themselves or their possessions. My daughter washed her ipod Nano just this morning! They're good kids, but they NEED me to keep an eye on them. You needed someone to keep an eye on you and steer you away from the danger spots. Instead, your mom gave you a chunk of raw meat and said, "Yeah, go play with the tigers, kid! Have fun!"

Definitely neglect, in my book. I won't even let my kids have phones or web access in their bedrooms. We made that rule to protect them from users and abusers, not to stifle their social lives or make them miserable. And we made it because they're not mature enough to make the decision for themselves, which is the definition of "minor."

 

[Abstract]

I haven't read much of this this at all (so apologies if I put my foot in something) but I agree with Angel2write.

I think looking at the past through an adults eyes and looking at ways we can protect ourselves in the future is wonderful but it is important not to paint the past with that perspective as there is a very good reason why children are not considered able to make these decisions for themselves and why any adult taking advantage is abusing their power. The child is innocent and regardless of the details. The law states that and there is good reason for the law.

Taking power back as an adult is different of course and we can lean how to protect ourselves but unloved, under loved, misunderstood or abused children will always be desperate for love and affection and be open to manipulation and that is why adults have a duty of care to safe guard them. The Harlow monkey experiment says it all.

I know that may not change the way you feel internally Ayesha as budging these feelings is really hard.

 

[Orglethorp]

I should have known better.

You said this several times in your post, so I can tell this is something you're really struggling with. It's the guilt factor that comes with PTSD. As someone who also experienced sexual abuse around the same age, I know where you're coming from in thinking this, but this isn't a healthy thing to be telling yourself.

The adult you is looking back, with all the experience and wisdom that you hold now, and blaming your teenage self for not making different choices. It's okay to admit that your choices weren't the best ones, but you also need to recognize and accept that you are not the same person now as you were then. Like pretty much all adolescents out there, you didn't truly comprehend what the outcome of those choices would be, regardless of whether or not it felt wrong at the time. You need to forgive yourself, because none of this was your fault.

 

[Venator]

Hello Ayesha,

I am someone who was groomed at around age 14/15 by someone that I knew from the internet mostly but met at a convention. I can sympathize with you whole-heartedly and unfortunately you are not alone. The grooming aspect is something I still struggle with and is something that has impacted my self-worth, sense of trust and ability to even come to terms with my abuse to this day.

My mother had recently gotten her latest DUI and was spending weekends in jail. My friends were finding love or suffering the hormonal shifts of puberty (as was I). He was at a convention we both attended and I thought he was boisterous and funny. Very loud, very outspoken and extroverted. We talked online a lot and he would say a lot of things to me about how I should feel, about how I must feel and how I should be. There was one time I said yes because I was very lonely - nothing else that we did was consensual from 15-18 and there was a lot. Proms trigger me into flashbacks horribly.

But I feel like a slut, a dumb whore and a weak willed piece of trash and I still feel groomed. Yet I don't feel these things for others when I hear of these similar situations happening in third person. I feel like I was so malleable in those years and those horrible things and traits still stick with me.

I did not mean to overtake your thread but it spoke to me on a deep level.