Childhood Self Harm

[Orglethorp]

I was thinking about my own struggles with self harm today (not thinking of doing it, just thinking of the times I've done it in the past), and I found myself wondering about something.

I can recall intentionally causing myself harm as young as 2 or 3 years old. I know there are lots of types of closet doors out there, but think of the sort that both slide along a track and fold in half as you slide them open. Know what I'm talking about? Well, at 2/3 years old, I would press those closed with my palms aligned with the seams of the folding pieces so that the fleshiest parts of my palms and fingers would get pinched between the panels when the door was closed. This wasn't just a one-off curiosity thing. I did it over and over again on a regular basis for quite a long time. The goal was to feel the pain of the pinch and to create raised red lines on my fingers.

As I got a little older, I became fixated on the idea of being ill or injured. I used to pretend to have a limp. I would make casts or splints and wear them around the house. Again, this wasn't a brief little phase. I did it for years. When I was 4 and 5, one of my favourite games was "dead dog," which involved laying on my back with all 4 limbs in the air for an extended period of time. My Mom let me do this because it meant I was quiet and in one place. I used to rope my cousin and sister into "playing" with me. (Yes, I realize how hilarious it sounds, but I'm not sure whether this is silly childhood play or if it's related to the other stuff I'm talking about.)

I liked going barefoot outdoors because I like walking across hot or sharp surfaces with nothing to protect my feet. I liked having scratches and scars. If I got hurt, I hoped for a scar. I definitely tolerated pain better than most kids my age, but I would even go as far as to say I enjoyed it to some extent. I was the kid crawling on the floor through a blanket fort an hour after having fresh stitches put in my knee as a result of quite literally (and accidentally, I promise) impaling myself while playing in the forest. It didn't phase me.

I used to mildly burn myself at the fireplace in the mornings before anyone else was awake. I liked being too hot, and I liked the way mildly burned skin felt smoother. I also liked having bruises. I don't recall very many instances of intentionally causing my own bruises, but I often re-traumatized bruised skin to keep the bruise around longer or make it worse.

I was involved in sports in my preteen and early teen years, and I never stopped playing when I got injured. I've continued playing baseball and hockey after getting hit in the face with the ball/puck, and I've continued playing basket ball after breaking a finger. I've continued doing a lot of things after breaking fingers, actually, including playing on monkey bars. I'm not just talking about sitting out for a few minutes and then getting back in the game - my team mates and coaches never knew I was injured.

All of this was replaced with cutting in my late teens. I have not done any of those things since I was about 16. Even now at 25, the odd time that I relapse and hurt myself, I only cut.

The thing that has me thinking this is so odd is that while I was abused for the first 15 years of my life, self harm was not part of that abuse, and my self harm clearly started long before I was ever exposed to the idea that others do this. It was spontaneous, and it started long before Kindergarten.

Has anyone else ever heard of this? Did anyone else spontaneously self harm as a small child?

 

[digger]

I hope I can say this without it coming across as dismissive, but I think a lot of what you are describing there, I wouldn't actually class as self harm really. I think it depends whether you were doing these things in response to something else, or just doing them. For example, with the door, were you doing it when you were upset by something, or maybe just because you were fascinated by the patterns it made on your hands? 2-3 year olds can definitely stay fascinated by the same thing over and over again (think kids television! ;) )

I think it's also worth bearing in mind that some kids like and need more sensory stimulation than others and have higher pain tolerance. I don't know if this was the case for you, or if it's something you've ever looked into, but this often applies to children on the autistic spectrum, aspergers etc

I'm not saying that this isn't linked to your later self harm, it may be, but also may just have been part of who you were as a child.

I did self harm as a child, probably from the age of about five or six, possibly younger I can't remember, in the form of biting myself, digging my nails in, banging my head, pulling my hair etc, and this did lead to other forms of self harm later, but it was always as a response to something else.

 

[bell]

@Orglethorp, I wonder if maybe it was less about self harm and more about wanting to "feel" something? I was in my teens when I started to do weird stuff, like hold my hands against light bulbs and tweeze out my leg hair, and later (with the help of therapy), I began to realize that that was about wanting to feel something, anything.

Unfortunately, later, when things got a lot worse, I started burning myself, but it was a different type of pain that I was trying to extinguish than I was previously. With the former, I was just trying to feel something, while with the latter, I was just trying to forget.

 

[ronin47]

The first thing that comes to mind when I read this is an account I heard of a toddler, barely two years old, biting himself. He was living in a violent home and the explanation that was given was that, even at that age, if external stimulus is horrifying and frightening enough, a person will do anything they can to distract themselves from it.

The other thought is that self harm does cause a release of endorphins in the brain that gives one the feeling of being relaxed. Because of this, it can become quite addictive.

Perhaps one, or both of those things prompted this behavior in you.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I just wanted to drop by and let you know that I too have self harmed. I used to think that self harm was only cutting, etc. That magnitude.

Now I realize that every time I starve myself of a meal, eat things that I am allergic or intolerant to, or get in a hot bath turning the hot up extra hot to feel the sting, I am self harming. And I do these things when I do not wish to sit with uncomfortable feelings. It is a way of escape for me. I do it when I am emotionally upset and I replace one pain with another.

I have never done research on the topic, but I believe self harm is self harm no matter the reason.

 

[Britt.f7]

I can only remember as far back as elementary school. Stepping on broken glass, hitting my head against the corner of a table, things like that. I usually say since around the age of five, but, really, I'm not totally sure. I'm 47 now and I did it as recently as last year, with cutting. I tend to believe you hurt yourself in other ways, like Strongernow says, and I have definitely done that. In fact it has impeded my getting better.

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

Interesting. I also have an experience, at about age 10 I gave myself a very bad scar on the outside of my wrist. It's baffled me how I had the impulse to do it, but as I aged I started to forgive that younger self and even admire it for being authentic, in a certain way I've felt unable to grasp as a grown person.

I think that kids and young selves have the capability to easily be authentic. They can express what's inside, almost on impulse. My toddler had taken to biting me at certain points of highest frustration. It was a great experience learning that they sometimes do that as a form of communication.

 

[maddog]

I think that all human beings like, and need, to feel that they are as strong, competent, resilient and independent as possible, and that need develops at a very young age. Ideally, well-nurtured and healthily developed children learn this through the development of their autonomy, emotional regulation and other aspects of self identity. Where that nurturance is not provided or is lacking or misdirected in any other way, I think that children, resourceful little beings that we are, have to figure this out for ourselves, and what better way to feel strong and competent and resilient than to learn that you can endure and thrive in the presence of pain and injury. Pain and injury are very sensory awarenesses, as you can feel pain, see and touch visible injury etc, and so I think that in some cases, children practice and repeat self harming or injuring behaviours, or facilitate other acts of hardship, as a means of feeling strong and in control of their lives.

Not saying that is the reason - I think it's hard for anyone without the full context to have much more than possible insights, but I think that this theory applies in part to my own development of self hahrming and extreme pain tolerance behaviours, and may well apply, at least in part, to others too - particularly those from chaotic homes.

Maddog