Childhood Childhood "spanking" that caused ptsd and sexual trauma

[Breathe]

I’m reading physical abuse from the OP, but I don’t get at all how the leap is made that there was any kind of sexual component. But, physical abuse is physical abuse - and, that’s not okay.

There’s a lot of issues that I think are better worked through with a T. Why is this person creepy to you simply because he’s an older male babysitter? Being angry at your parents makes perfect sense to me (their job is to keep you safe), but your mum declaring the household ‘spank free’, telling you not to spank your toys, would suggest mum was at least trying to keep you safe from abuse, and help you understand that spanking isn’t ok.

So, a lot to work through. Let go of the “I have ptsd as a result” thing. That’s for a professional to diagnose, and it seems to me that just working through some of these issues with a specialist might resolve a lot of the mixed emotions attached to these experiences.

I think you’re right that my mom wanted to let me know that spanking isn’t okay but she failed to see that there was a reason why I was violently beating my stuffed animals. In her no spanking house I had been beaten on the butt in an insidious and sexually charged way but all she saw was “my daughter is not to hit her stuffed animals.” She didn’t see “oh my, where the hell did she get that anger from. Where did she learn to place a stuffed animal over her lap and hit it with such vigor. I should be concerned that something bad has happened.”

 

[Friday]

@Friday I think you need to read through this entire thread again.The sexual abuse you described is clearly sexual abuse that you came up with on your own but not at all what the OP has described. Not at all

The OP described the babysitter as molesting them in their first post, and the complicated and confusing aspect that’s taken IN their sex life as an adult.... but past the first post?

I was beaten and used for sexual gratification

It’s not possible that he got mad and spanked me. There are so many reasons why it was sexual and wrong

I know that he found it arousing because of the way he did it.

As far as the molestation stuff, I am considering it a form of molestation because it brought on unwanted sexual feelings and because the way he did it felt sexual to me. Maybe the word I’m actually looking for is trauma. But molestation has always been one of the ways I’ve thought of it.

Time and time again, they’re describing what happened as having been sexual. That I simply gave an example YOU recognize as sexual, doesn’t mean that they haven’t been saying, over and over and over, that it was sexual. They have been.

 

[hithere]

dear @Breathe you do not have to prove you know it was sexual. you were kid -- you "felt" the perversion-- you weren't crazy. you don't need to prove to anyone ever what your experience is. I wish you well as you move through your healing journey. You are on your way. My hat goes off to you as you courageously move forward and work to change behaviors that you wish you to change, and move toward freedom. You said the words, "it changed me" -- that's all that is needed and you know your own truth. Best Wishes.

 

[Breathe]

I’m reading physical abuse from the OP, but I don’t get at all how the leap is made that there was any kind of sexual component. But, physical abuse is physical abuse - and, that’s not okay.

There’s a lot of issues that I think are better worked through with a T. Why is this person creepy to you simply because he’s an older male babysitter? Being angry at your parents makes perfect sense to me (their job is to keep you safe), but your mum declaring the household ‘spank free’, telling you not to spank your toys, would suggest mum was at least trying to keep you safe from abuse, and help you understand that spanking isn’t ok.

So, a lot to work through. Let go of the “I have ptsd as a result” thing. That’s for a professional to diagnose, and it seems to me that just working through some of these issues with a specialist might resolve a lot of the mixed emotions attached to these experiences.

It doesn’t seem like a leap to me. It was sexual because I knew he was getting off from it. He later me over his lap and held me there until he was done. It’s also sexual because it caused me to have a fetish. The buttocks is an erogenous zone. And he hit me for his own sexual gratification. It gratified him that I was in excruciating pain. He liked me laying in his lap like that. And he wouldn’t let me go until he was done torturing me.

dear @Breathe you do not have to prove you know it was sexual. you were kid -- you "felt" the perversion-- you weren't crazy. you don't need to prove to anyone ever what your experience is. I wish you well as you move through your healing journey. You are on your way. My hat goes off to you as you courageously move forward and work to change behaviors that you wish you to change, and move toward freedom. You said the words, "it changed me" -- that's all that is needed and you know your own truth. Best Wishes.

Thank you ? ? I think all of us know the horrors of feeling misunderstood when a traumatizing event happens. The nightmare of not being believed or heard is real.

dear @Breathe you do not have to prove you know it was sexual. you were kid -- you "felt" the perversion-- you weren't crazy. you don't need to prove to anyone ever what your experience is. I wish you well as you move through your healing journey. You are on your way. My hat goes off to you as you courageously move forward and work to change behaviors that you wish you to change, and move toward freedom. You said the words, "it changed me" -- that's all that is needed and you know your own truth. Best Wishes.

You seem to have a good sense of the power of suggestion, but in a positive way.

 

[Jade-]

The OP described the babysitter as molesting them in their first post, and the complicated and confusing aspect that’s taken IN their sex life as an adult.... but past the first post?






Time and time again, they’re describing what happened as having been sexual. That I simply gave an example YOU recognize as sexual, doesn’t mean that they haven’t been saying, over and over and over, that it was sexual. They have been.

Well it sounded to me like someone wanting to claim PTSD for a spanking that they have turned into something else in their own mind.No different than those that try to claim it over a breakup or other things that don't cause it.

I went to the dentist recently. He put his hands and many different tools in my mouth,even told me to spit and not swallow the solution he inserted.It felt sexual to me but it doesn't mean I was sexually assaulted.

No need to be so harsh for differing opinions.I do believe some of us posters are bringing our own personal shit into this thread.And that's why I really do have to back away for real this time,its all very triggering for me.

 

[Breathe]

Well it sounded to me like someone wanting to claim PTSD for a spanking that they have turned into something else in their own mind.No different than those that try to claim it over a breakup or other things that don't cause it.

I went to the dentist recently. He put his hands and many different tools in my moith,even told me to spit and not swallow the solution he inserted.It felt sexual to me but it doesn't mean I was sexually assaulted.

No need to be so harsh for differing opinions.I do believe some of us posters are bringing our own personal shit into this thread.And that's why I really do have to back away for real this time,its all very triggering for me.

I don’t know how everything me and @Friday just said makes you think I turned it into something else in my own head. It happened. Hhe described it well when he described the power and the getting off on it and not letting me go until he came. It was wrong, sexual, left a lasting mark, hurt, et. You are Definitely skeptical of my experience and unwilling to see the points I’ve described as being accurate. You really seem to need to believe that what I went through wasn’t abuse or wasn’t that bad or wasn’t sexual. You seem to need to believe that I have somehow made a storm out of a drop of rain, when I have not. I’m calling a spade a spade.

 

[Chris-duck]

Hey @Breathe do you have a therapist right now? Or if not, are you in a position where you can get one? In the end, we're just random opinions online, you'd probably do well with some irl support.

 

[Jade-]

I don’t know how everything me and @Friday just said makes you think I turned it into something else in my own head. It happened. She described it well when he described the power and the getting off on it and not letting me go until he came. It was wrong, sexual, left a lasting mark, hurt, et. You are Definitely skeptical of my experience and unwilling to see the points I’ve described as being accurate. You really seem to need to believe that what I went through wasn’t abuse or wasn’t that bad or wasn’t sexual. You seem to need to believe that I have somehow made a storm out of a drop of rain, when I have not. I’m calling a spade a spade.

Because no where did you say anything about him not letting you go until he came.Or even anything similar and then got offended when I tried to ask questions so I could understand.

Re-read your posts and 1.you will see why I asked questions and 2.You will see why it didn't seem like anything that would warrant a PTSD dx

 

[Breathe]

Hey @Breathe do you have a therapist right now? Or if not, are you in a position where you can get one? In the end, we're just random opinions online, you'd probably do well with some irl support.

I do not, but I’m looking for one currently.

 

[Chris-duck]

I do not, but I’m looking for one currently.

Awesome. Any luck? There's some resources around to help find one if you're struggling to know where to look.

 

[Breathe]

Awesome. Any luck? There's some resources around to help find one if you're struggling to know where to look.

Well, so far everyone is way too expensive or doesn’t take my school insurance. I do get free therapy through my school and I will give it a try of course but they may not necessarily be a good fit for me for ptsd and trauma and the relationship work I’m trying to do. Also my work has employee assistance that I’ll also try but I think it’s 30 minute phone sessions which I would like face to face counseling. Actually, I really want to know how to integrate my feelings with developing romantic relationships when I’m triggered and how to handle telling them but also be healthy myself and not get stuck in it.

 

[Ronin]

Well it sounded to me like someone wanting to claim PTSD for a spanking that they have turned into something else in their own mind

Breathe says this:

And he took advantage.

Which is a veery common phrase for describing sexual violations.

Dont you think people are allowed to make their own mind about the incident?

Because even the *settings* do not suggest everything was kosher, decent interactions, just misconstrued it entirely... like being at the dentist.