Constantly Overly Critical Of Others

[NAWWAL]

I suffer from complex trauma PTSD and have become a perfectionist over time. Not in all aspects of my life, just the standards that I hold to myself. My achievements must be up to my satisfaction or they are not achievements at all. I have been told that this is a symptom for people with CPTSD.

What i don't understand is whether anyone is else is constantly over-critical of everyone else around them, especially loved one. I can't seem to let go of faults. The littlest things bother me for no reason and although I don't always mention them to people, they seem to stack up in a tally in my head. Making it hard for me to forgive and move on when I have felt slighted.
I am aware that I am over critical. I am aware that I need to not find fault in others and that this is a reflection on the fault that I see in myself. I am aware that I get a sick satisfaction from putting some people down to make myself sound better (in my own head), and I have read about ways to stop this behaviour; eg thinking before speaking, and realising that it is something I am missing and need to fix.
But none of it seems to hit home. I still feel anger in my heart and some part of me constantly is saying "well why should they get away with it when I am always put down??" . The reasonable, practical side of my brain knows that it's my fault, but I am ruled by the emotions and I always seem to pass the blame along.

I don't know if this is a symptom of CPTSD or whether I have always had this personality fault to begin with. And I don't know how to change it and the anger and righteousness that accompanies the emotions.

Does anyone else ever get this way? Have you changed and how did you? Any advice would be appreciated.

I've driving people away. I need a way to stop this.

 

[Lostinalberta]

I suffer from complex trauma PTSD and have become a perfectionist over time. Not in all aspects of my li...

I feel i do the same :(

 

[Whyteferret]

I have issues with anger. I think a lot of mine is fear and frustration. Do you know why you get like that? Maybe figuring out the specific situations it happens might help you figure out how to help yourself.

 

[Chimera]

You should talk to your therapist about this, like you've expressed it here. Very sincere and wanting clarity..powerful for healing.

 

[NAWWAL]

I have issues with anger. I think a lot of mine is fear and frustration. Do you know why you get like that? Maybe figuring out the specific situations it happens might help you figure out how to help yourself.

I have plenty of anger and frustration too, but I can't figure out what the source is. I have been asking myself for years now, and I can't get to the bottom of it. I have never been so confused in my life!

 

[ghotiff]

Is there are theme to your criticisms? There probably is, but working it out will take some effort. I think if you understand the theme you might be able to understand more where it comes from.

Some example themes: (making this up as I go along )
- external facade - view others might have. This would be criticisms about what someone wears in public, what social skills someone displays.
- reliability - trust. Criticisms that someone doesn't do what they say, being late, changing plans.

 

[watundah]

Check out The Outer Critic on Pete Walker's website. It will help alot. (
http://pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf)

I hold myself to a high bar and do others as well. When they fail, I criticize to my spouse. I hear myself and I don't like it. I understand it's yet another way to keep people at a distance.

 

[Sideways]

There were 2 big things that sprang to mind reading the OP: first, I know people who suffer from OCD, and I think some of them would really relate to that style of thinking.

OCD is anxiety, it's about getting a sense of control over your environment as a way to make it feel safer, and trauma often stimulates a similar sort of need (loss of control during traumatic event, so if I keep control of things/people it won't happen again). Peeps with OCD can often extend their high standards over the people around them, so it'll drive them batty if, for example, others don't follow their crazy high standards for personal hygiene. But in essence, it's actually about feeling safer by control.

The other thing that this reminded me a lot of is not just the black/white thinking style of BPD, but also 'splitting' that is common in BPD.

And please, in all honesty, this is NOT me suggesting that you have ocd or bpd. But the thinking style seems similar, and if that rings true with you, then the strategies that would be utilised to assist someone who did have ocd or bpd to overcome this thinking style might also assist you.

Just floating some ideas...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

The article was fantastic and helped me so very much. I experienced many aha moments.

 

[watundah]

Im glad @gizmo. I need to read it again, I think.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am going to read it again right now this explains so much to me about why I am the way I am and i hate being this way and have wondered for so many years what the hell is wrong with me, Thanks to you I now know. Many aha moments and also some self forgiveness as well. Now that I am aware I am now in the positon to change:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

i book marked this one for study. Thank you so much for answering a lifetime of an out critic and why I am the way I am. I was always blaming myself after I would let the outer critic speak with out it being replaced with kindness and tolerance, hope this makes so much sense. Thank you.