Childhood Coping With Evidence

[Sideways]

I thought I was pretty much past the denial. I know that my teacher sexually abused me as a child. And the other stuff about brainwashing, other teachers maybe participating, including his wife, I'd thought that I'd accepted that as fact. I even reported it to the police recently (haven't heard back, no surprise, figured they wouldn't believe me).

Then on Tuesday, I'm talking to my trauma pdoc about "how". How do people do stuff like that? How is it possible that some people are that evil. Like his wife - she has 2 daughters so how does she treat a child the way she did? Literally how? We're all humans, so how does a person commit such evil on another human? Sounds naive, but I am really struggling with that question.

So my pdoc asks me if any of (the long list) of Ts I've had has ever talked to me about how my abuser and his wife migt have ended up doing that. Er, no. I've only told 1 prior T about the extent of the truly bizarre brainwashing, and he only believed me about 3 years in after watching a documentary on cults (groan), and told me flat out that other teachers wouldn't have been involved. Those memories simply weren't true.

Whatever. I moved on, found a new pdoc, and we're making huge progress. Doing so great that I report it to the Commission and the cops.

Then my pdoc asks me if I've ever heard of the Children of God cult? Nope. The Family cult? Apparently not the Manson Family! Then she drops it, like it's just another fact: The Children of God cult included husbands and wives and children, and they taught the girls that they were a "Whore Of God".

I haven't really coped with that. I thought I was done with denial, but I can't process this. I really didn't make this up? Really? He really did brainwash me into believing that I was a whore of god? Turns out I have been clinging to the belief that yeah, I was sexually abused, but the extreme parts I remember, the brainwashing, the...urgh...it's real?

I never figured anyone would be able to verify any of the abuse. I never counted on getting any kind of supporting evidence, and I kind of figured that my pdoc thought that I'd just imagined the brainwashing and cultish parts of the abuse.

But she believes me, so much so that she's handed me her theory on where my abuser learned his trade. Because she's heard it before. It wasn't some nightmare I had, or something my crazy mind dreamed up to try and justify my illness.

How do you deal with evidence? How do you cope with someone giving you some verification, that you never expected, suggesting "The worst of what you remember is real"????

 

[A little lost]

I wish I could give you an answer to that question, it's one I would like to know too.
I recently found a photo of me in very very wrong situation ....and I have absolutely no memory at all of it ever happening...I recognise the place, I have a rough estimate of how old I was but I have no recollection at all of anything like that happening when I was that young. It has scared me tbh....that pic was stuffed in a photo album belonging to a person very close to me. I knew this person was abusive , I remember/know all the other forms his abuse took/takes, but I never ever thought or remember anything sexual involving him. How could I have forgotten this?
I hope you get the answers you are looking for. I'm sorry I can't help other than to say you aren't on your own with this question, and thank you asking it.

 

[Sideways]

@A little lost - thank you.

For some people, I know that their trauma brings up paranoia issues. But I feel like I've gone in the opposite direction - it seems impossible to believe. The evidence just makes that even worse, rather than easier.

It helps a lot knowing I'm not alone. So thank you.

 

[ladee]

I think I would be very confused, scared, and relieved... you said you are not relieved...You have absolute validation all this happened... does it make it even more real? I feel I would have to deal with that part for sure... a sense of shock... a feeling of de ja vu.
The thing that hit my mind, is you were not given this information until you could deal with it.... taking the steps to go to the police about it opened a space for hearing the truth.... and now your T has proof... I don't know how this might affect your case....

As sick and sad as it is Ragdoll, you are validated... none of it was made up, the brainwashing was true... all the years of unlearning that and trying to connect it to the abuse... it has been pure hell for you... this really happened to you.... and it is documented... it is real... I am so sorry on the one hand, but also know how hard you have worked to get where you are....

And you didn't get your letter to continue law by mistake either... you are going to have resources now.... this is overwhelming for me... and I am only setting quietly with you with my mouth open.... please post all you need to talk about....How can something like t this even be processed... thank goodness your T knows about this and will be able to help you understand and close some of the gaps....

This is such a lame term, but it is bittersweet.... with a lot of questions .... still setting with you.... have moved a tiny bit closer to you because I really want you to know and feel you are not alone.... here for you.... "L' you and lots of hugs...

 

[A little lost]

@Ragdoll Circus , you're welcome.
I totally know that feeling ..the one that says it's too impossible to believe. I sometimes think it's better for people to think I'm insane than admit the things that happened....even to myself.
I'm learning , slowly, to trust this as a safe place and I'm glad you know now that you aren't alone. I know I'm new on here but I'm here to support you.

 

[LadyZane]

As hard as it is to deal with I'm so glad you FINALLY have a T who not only believes you but who seems like they have what it takes to help get you through this part of things.

 

[Twilight]

I thought I was pretty much past the denial. I know that my teacher sexually abused me as a chi...

It sounds like satanic ritual abuse. Google that for some info

It sounds like satanic ritual abuse. Google that for some info

Also, this type of abuse gives you the origin of the evil behind it.

 

[Sideways]

@Overcomer77 - I read Colin Ross' book Satanic Ritual Abuse recently (nurse gave it to me when I was in hospital!). The stuff that happened to me was sadistic, but not satanic. Not that it makes a huge difference I guess.

That book has been criticised a lot from people saying satanic cults are a myth, but I can't help thinking that those people are splitting hairs a bit. The same messed up shite can be done to a kid in the name of God as it can in the name of Satan. Either way, it was really helpful with his approach to deconditioning cult survivors.

 

[Twilight]

@Overcomer77 - I read Colin Ross' book Satanic Ritual Abuse recently (nurse g...

My understanding:
satan hates man
God loves man
All abuse is from satan to destroy man

 

[Gamera3000]

More people should read about the Children of God cult. It's the worst thing I've ever heard. There's a documentary on Netflix about Tony Robbins called "I'm Not Your Guru" and there is a part in it where he helps a survivor of that cult. You see the emptiness and horror in her face, but she bravely accepts what he's saying, which is about real love and friendship. It's just wonderful. It makes me cry just to think about it. If that young woman can carry on, so can we all.

 

[Nyssa]

Anything that makes it more real is hard to digest.

In the long run, it's probably a good thing you have this evidence.

The couple times I had some sort of outside validation of the abuse, it hurt. A lot. After a while, it would like I had got back to my former state of emotional denial and minimization. It would hurt less, the revelation-like feeling of "OMG, it's really real" had faded away, and I would start doubting myself again. But still, it eroded my level of denial.

How do you feel about it now?

 

[Sideways]

How do you feel about it now?

It changes throughout the day. It's overwhelming and exhausting. Periodically I have small amounts of anger, which is almost a relief, but it always recedes back into sadness and grief.

I'm worried that the denial is going to swing back, because it's so much easier. Then I get this supercharged "I MUST do something to stop this", then I get depressed about 'what the hell can I do'.

There was a little while yesterday when it made me laugh! I kept thinking, if this isn't one helluva excuse for being so messedup then I don't know what is. 'Scuse me, lady victim of a paedophile cult ring psychopath, comin' through!