Childhood Coping With Evidence

[Nyssa]

I suppose grief helps washing out the brainwashing... (poor choice of words here, sorry).

You did do something about it, you reported to the police ! That is something. It may change nothing, I know. But it is not nothing.

 

[ladee]

You don't know what you are going to be able to do about it. You are still on the roller coaster of validation. what is going to stop the going back into denial is allowing the anger to surface a little more each time... are you afraid of the anger Ragdoll?

I can't help but think that you were given another chance at law to not be able to make a difference somehow... maybe in ways you have not thought about yet, or opportunities haven't presented yet....... the timing of the validation is so close to being able to practice law again.... something for you to think about.

It's normal to be all over the place with this, when do you see your T next? The fact she knows about this is going to help you in many many ways to not return to denial.... all these years, all the hard times.. and all the growth... hard fought for and won... you were not in a vacuum while dealing with all this.... you have a chance at life now.... a real life.... you know I support you, and if you sneak back into denial I will be here for you... only you know what your process can be.... but this has to be a whole nother level of tired for you....
"L" you and lots of hugs.

 

[The ST]

Hey Ragdoll Circus. Anyone who says satanic cults are a myth has never set foot inside a church! Well, some churches anyway. I kinda understand about the panic that can arise when there is evidence that what happened is true. I'm still struggling with the terror of even having someone (T etc) believe that what happened to me is true. Does that make any sense? And even someone else believing me hasn't actually translated as me believing me. And I know very well what it feels like to prefer to be the mad sick one than to accept what happened.

Big issue is when the sexual abuse was done by a woman. No niceties, not gentle; the full on stuff. How do I cope with that? How does anyone believe that? How could that ever happen. Not once but over and over.
If I post this, I can only hope that people in the forum don't come back also questioning my experience. Maybe should've started a new thread.

Not brave enough yet

 

[ladee]

@The ST, we would not question you, that is your story to tell or not, when you are ready or don't want to share... one of the many things I love about this forum.... you get to set your own pace... you will be supported for your feelings... we don't have to know details... hope you get comfortable here.... a very caring and supportive healing community... glad you are here.

(sorry for the hijack @Ragdoll Circus!)

 

[Sideways]

@ladee - no hijacking issues at all:)

 

[Klo]

I sometimes think it's better for people to think I'm insane than admit the things that happened....even to myself.

I think that sometimes that is an intentional part of systematic abuse, in regards to the psychological abuse / brainwashing elements. Children don't want to believe that such horrific things are happening. That is how trauma, dissociation and so on happens in childhood in the first place; the brain organ itself is absolutely overwhelmed with stress. Willful, calculated child predators know this either consciously or intuitively and often taken advantage of it. A large part of the brainwashing might include convincing the child that what they experience is not real and that the child is crazy. Like a very severe and systematic form of gaslighting. Therefore it's also not unusual for adult survivors to spend a lot of time in the revolving doors of the mental health system or treatment with many inaccurate diagnoses, because the survivors readily paint themselves as crazy / invalidate themselves as a programmed coping mechanism.

I'm worried that the denial is going to swing back, because it's so much easier. Then I get this supercharged "I MUST do something to stop this", then I get depressed about 'what the hell can I do'.

I go through this whole cycle over and over again, as well. On one hand I know that even right now there are children all over the world being abused in horrific ways, even though it's not happening right in front of me, and I wind up feeling an overwhelming need to save them, to rush in, kill the abusers and save the children. But I can't. I don't know where they are. At most maybe I can punch a whole in the wall. It gets so unbearable that I dissociate again and become emotionally numb.

 

[Klo]

Then on Tuesday, I'm talking to my trauma pdoc about "how". How do people do stuff like that? How is it possible that some people are that evil. Like his wife - she has 2 daughters so how does she treat a child the way she did? Literally how? We're all humans, so how does a person commit such evil on another human? Sounds naive, but I am really struggling with that question.

I also struggled with this for many years. In the end, I decided that I didn't really care anymore. After years of reading everything I could find on psychopathy, the dark triad and so on, the neurology of it, the biology of it, the psychology of it. In the end it doesn't matter to me what exactly evil really is in any given situation, or where it came from. In the case of child predators, it should be erased. When most of the most hardened and violent criminals in federal prisons even feel the same way, there is probably something to it.