Sufferer Cptsd and chronic illness, looking for friends and support

[bluebinstein]

Hi!

I'll just start with now, I'm so overloaded. I had a bunch of crisis mode situations recently, as in triggers max up and I snap and breakdown.

So now it's like that period where I just feel lost and frozen. I don't actually have a lot of cptsd support. My husband hasn't gone over all the stuff with me yet, naturally that's been feeding into the cycle.. So here I am. There was a time where I was doing better all around not so long ago, but yet again another relationship turned to dumpster fire while I'm filing for disability. It seems childhood and much of my adult life has taken a huge toll on my health and I haven't been able to support myself financially, well, ever.

I really just need home to be my safe space. That would solve like 99 of my problems. Trying to recover and explain to another person why I need certain things certain ways or emotional support from my husband.

Usually I'll crochet, knit, lately beading, until I start to feel the ground under my feet again. And also need to maintain at least some kind of overall positivity around my husband so he doesn't start to get depressed. I get it, I really do, but what I am experiencing in this trying to recover with cptsd is a lot different that being depressed because someone you care about isn't doing well. I get that a lot. That has been so much of my life. Those people didn't want to change tho and were on some serious self destruction paths. I just want to feel safe. Big difference there. And there's lots of ways to do that. Just explaining to a partner who doesn't think they play a part, why they play a part and why I need them to play it, a battle I have absolutely no defense in.

Anyways, I have a cat lol I know this is a lot to throw out there in an introduction, but I think a lot of us find this place because we are going through something :P Any trying to not identify as cptsd as someone who has cptsd, especially while the cptsd is in full swing, yeah, I have a feeling everyone here gets it.

Thanks for the space!

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum - pets of various kinds are a theme round here. We have a whole thread just about our cats!

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @bluebinstein welcome to the site

I have a history of complex trauma, depression and anxiety. My life used to be as bad as it gets, however now I'm living life as best I can and feeling good the majority of the time. Have my sideways days here and there and the occasional anxiety attack but generally well.

Always up for a chat or just to try and give support.

 

[arfie]

hello bluebinstein. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

I'll just start with now, I'm so overloaded. I had a bunch of crisis mode situations recently, as in triggers max up and I snap and breakdown.

empathy. i went through a series of domestic shit storms which culminated in my inheriting 3 young orphans with the 2019 traffic deaths of my son and his wife. the shit storms had little direct connection to me or my mental illness, but it triggered my ptsd symptoms to the max, over and over again. the sixth anniversary of the culmination approaches but i still feel far more fragile than i can enjoy.

So now it's like that period where I just feel lost and frozen.

more empathy. i theorate that the lost feel is more than a feeling. the entire landscape of my life has changed radically. i am often uncertain i am on the same planet i inhabited at the start of 2019. that feeling verily defined 2020 while the children and i wondered if our family grief counted for anything within the global madness. vent, vent, gnarl, gnash. i still feel lost and frozen, but? ? ? is it a good thing that the internal freeze makes me less likely to pull bone-headed stunts like waltzing my "filthy little germ bags" into the nearest senior center?

getting back to you. . .

welcome aboard. i hope you find healing companionship here.

 

[bluebinstein]

Hi @bluebinstein welcome to the site

I have a history of complex trauma, depression and anxiety. My life used to be as bad as it gets, however now I'm living life as best I can and feeling good the majority of the time. Have my sideways days here and there and the occasional anxiety attack but generally well.

Always up for a chat or just to try and give support.

thanks for the reply!
I was doing better from 2017-2020. Something about leaving it all behind and starting new in an environment with less triggers gave me a second chance at life almost. Still not as bad as what it was ever, although some things need work around here now. Moving is going to help that again! And it's coming up sooner than later now.
How are you doing today?
Had a rough start this morning but we'll see how the day goes, it's still early.

 

[bluebinstein]

Welcome to the forum - pets of various kinds are a theme round here. We have a whole thread just about our cats!

Thank you! And thanks for the direct link to the pets thread. Idk what I'd do without my furry little bugger T-T

 

[bluebinstein]

hello bluebinstein. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

empathy. i went through a series of domestic shit storms which culminated in my inheriting 3 young orphans with the 2019 traffic deaths of my son and his wife. the shit storms had little direct connection to me or my mental illness, but it triggered my ptsd symptoms to the max, over and over again. the sixth anniversary of the culmination approaches but i still feel far more fragile than i can enjoy.

more empathy. i theorate that the lost feel is more than a feeling. the entire landscape of my life has changed radically. i am often uncertain i am on the same planet i inhabited at the start of 2019. that feeling verily defined 2020 while the children and i wondered if our family grief counted for anything within the global madness. vent, vent, gnarl, gnash. i still feel lost and frozen, but? ? ? is it a good thing that the internal freeze makes me less likely to pull bone-headed stunts like waltzing my "filthy little germ bags" into the nearest senior center?

getting back to you. . .

welcome aboard. i hope you find healing companionship here.

crazy how that whole empathy thing works eh? I mean I tell myself that, but getting another person to understand that's what's lacking is enough to start a whole battle royal o.O
imo domestic stuff is some of the hardest, whether it's dv or loss.
it's easy to dismiss the little things when the world is in chaos, but they still matter none the less. And the world is almost always in chaos, we just have more media now than ever so word travels fast. Always the usual suspects making things the way they are too. I like to keep up to date, but at the same time let it go because the last thing I need to worry about is which country is trying to rob which and which religious group is trying to over throw the world and divide and manipulate the masses.
You're good so long you know right from wrong and how to read between the lines.
I've experienced some loss too, always with the people closest to me. My uncle first, heavy smoker. Then my grandma, super old. Next was my mom, who was the most tragic, drank herself to death finally after 20 or so years of heavy drinking, an element my dad had way more to do with than he will ever admit. And the worst of all was loosing my aunt. She was the only person that always had my back and looked out for me. She was more of a mother to me than anyone. I've been completely lost without here and that's from 12 years ago.
Always down for a chat :P

 

[Survivor3]

I'm doing well thanks, just got back from the theatre with my friend L. I've actually been on my own all day so going out was just the tonic! I've recently been buying music equipment for my home studio and then paints and easels etc... for my new painting hobby. I start a 8 week course at the end of the month.

 

[bluebinstein]

ooo What show did you see?
What kind of music do you do?
Home studio is on my to do list also, but that's going to wait till after the move we got coming up. Fingers crossed for a house!
Music triggers have been an issue for awhile now anyways, but I still have a guitar. I was in orchestra, jazz band, and chorus in school.
What kind of painting are you getting into?
I did 4 years of advertising art and design in high school, which included fine arts. Charcoal is my favorite, but I've been wanting to get a paint by number thing lately.
Is that an at home course or do you go some where?
I just found 2 sewing jobs on craigslist I responded to. Small projects might be some easy $
Working has been a huge problem for me ever since amazon tried to break me. Finally broke the camels back and all these chronic illnesses took over. Can't even hide it anymore.
And now when I go to an interview and have to mention it because I'll need accommodations like extra sick days or breaks, no big companies will hire me like that at least. They want someone 'reliable' like gee thanks, maybe I could be more reliable if every cooperation I worked for treated me like a human instead of running me into the ground before I was 30 lol
Also looking to start a youtube channel doing some asmr craft type stuff. I used to stream when I first became disabled, then quit that, and on to the next. Trying to get away from the racey content lol sucks there's so much $ in it. I'm too traumatized for all that!

 

[Survivor3]

It was a book launch of a guy called Adam Kay. He's funny and intelligent. His latest book is called "A particularly nasty case". He was previously a doctor and now writes comedy, TV shows and stuff.

I play alto sax. Can also play guitars and drums. Synths. I love jazz, rock, blues, folk, electronic. Pretty much anything with a good groove. I also use drum machines.

Painting wise I'm just about to get into it. I love coastlines and nature. Fantasy and sci-fi. Oil paints. I would like to take pictures of stuff then merge that into Paintings. The course is for all levels. I'm a big fan of Bob Ross and would also like to "re-create" some famous artists paintings just for the fun of it. Would like to get good enough to hopefully sell them. I've also ordered a large paint by numbers canvas. They'll be fun, good designs. I'll take pictures of them and show people on here.

 

[bluebinstein]

ooo i know what i'm watching to fall asleep tonight! thanks for the bob rosspiration lol
i'll check that guy out sometime, i like funny and intelligent, hopefully i'll be intelligent enough to get it lol
wow you do a lot of music. what they say about jazz is true, you do get into it when you're older. i didn't even try to start listening to it, it just happened one day lol i like this what is it lol you know how it goes
that groovy funky stuff, i love it, even more so without the lyrics these days
i started learning some of the electronic stuff about 10 years ago but i haven't gotten into it again since
i'm ok just acoustic, i'm not trying to get famous or put anything out there really
oh yea speaking of books, i'm getting my own published as we speak! super excited, so many people told me to do this and i finally did with some chatgpt assistance. just a simple cptsd self help kind of book. no secret info or anything. after not working for so long, this is kinda a big deal for me :D
hope you're doing well or well enough!

 

[Survivor3]

@bluebinstein , wow that's a big deal getting your book published, well done, great for your self esteem .