Crying

[Lucycat]

I have recently recalled that when I was wee my father used to sing a song to me. It was a popular song at the time. I have no idea why, but he only had to sing the first line and I would be sobbing. It was a bit of a Pavlov's Dog situation. It quickly became my father's 'party piece'. He loved showing family and friends how easily he could reduce me to tears. I was totally humiliated.

To this day I hate that song. I was telling Rory about it yesterday, and cannot even say the title of the song without feeling the rise of emotion in me.

I was trying to work this out. I am wondering now if I cry does it make me feel like that child again. Or is it that when I am feeling like that child that I need to cry? I am not sure which way round it is. I am not sure if it matters.

I do cry much easier than I would like. The recent meetings that I have had with managers at work have brought tears to my eyes although I try vehemently to fight them. I want to appear professional and confident and crying just completely undermines that and leaves me vulnerable and embarrassed.

I have always cried in front of T, but right from the start he acknowledged it and disregarded it. It has stopped me from being embarrassed with him and I don't waste time or energy trying to stop the tears. But that is in private, between him and I, not a time that would leave me feeling humiliated.

I know very many other people post about how they cannot cry, and I appreciate that is just as much of a problem. I wish I could find some compromise that leaves me feeling in control of showing my emotions when I choose to.

 

[cherryblossom]

I totally 'get' what you are saying with regard to crying. It seems to me like I have totally no control over it what so ever, and it really pisses me off. I have worked out that stressful situations about me, such as meeting with managers, or talking about me in T, will very quickly reduce me to tears. However at other times, when I 'need' to show my vulnerability, tears won't come.

So I deal with crap at work, apparently with no emotion, but fall apart if someone want to talk about me, and my emotions.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Your dad was horrid :( :hug: I'm sorry he did that.

Crying=I simply can't, not unless I'm alone, or with Dec and that has only come about recently. I used to cry one heck of a lot when I was young though, but like you, it was always used against me, so I shut down and simply stopped.

It's a difficult one...showing emotion appropriately. Do you find it helps to be able to cry in therapy? I've never been able to let myself go enough to cry there and sometimes I feel like it'd be better if I could.

 

[stormy]

Crying and emotion, so difficult and so easy. At times where I would like to be perceived as strong and professional, I get reduced to tears, like at work. On the other hand when I am in therapy and dealing with things I should cry and show emotion about, I just can't. I put up an absolute indestructable wall. I just don't feel.

So confusing how work related issues can effect us so intensly, yet the very core of our hurt can remain a million miles away.

 

[Ice_Fire]

So confusing how work related issues can effect us so intensly, yet the very core of our hurt can remain a million miles away.

Yep, exactly. I feel like a vulnerable mess at school, although I try very hard not to show it, yet with my T, there's nothing there

 

[stormy]

I agree 100%! I can feel emotion over the most nothing of things, or when not directly related to me, such as, my friends dad's very sick, I can show major emotion. So it's like we have it there, but not where we need it most. Atleast that's what I think. It's very frustrating!

 

[Lucycat]

Do you find it helps to be able to cry in therapy? I've never been able to let myself go enough to cry there and sometimes I feel like it'd be better if I could.

In the beginning I think it was good to just let it all out. But when I am crying I can't speak, so everything slows down.

Now, though I find it simply irritating. I can wipe away a tear in therapy without too much of a problem. However if T phones me and I am trying to tell him something but start crying I get very cross with myself as I cannot explain the gaps in my speech.

If I am really sobbing in therapy then I guess I am letting out some emotion and it helps guide T to something that needs to be dealt with. But he will say something like ' this is obviously very upsetting for you' - never directly referring to the tears.

Another point is that all my therapy is at home. So if I am red-eyed at the end of therapy I have to face nobody except Rory. If I had to leave a clinic room, face a receptionist, walk along a corridor then I think I would find it hard and would be embarrassed.

I guess I cried a lot as a child. Locked it away for most of my adult life, and now it has returned I feel 'out of control'. I would prefer it if I had an 'off' switch so I could choose when I believe tears are appropriate and when they are not.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Thanks Brucielucy.

I struggle to let it out at all, even at home, so I partly wish I could just let it all out. I used to via self harming, but I'm definitely not going there again. Going back to the pressure cooker in your last post...the lid has blown on everything, yet I can't seem to show it properly. I've talked a little bit about not being able to cry with my T and I'm pretty sure it's because I used to get beaten up even more if I did cry when mum/dad/whoever else hurt me.

I would prefer it if I had an 'off' switch so I could choose when I believe tears are appropriate and when they are not.

I agree entirely with this. I hate not feeling in control of myself, or, more often, in too much control, as in I stop myself from showing how I feel but I don't even consciously think about it.

 

[Ice_Fire]

grr, sorry the quote didn't work, tried it without hitting reply :oops:

 

[cherryblossom]

Ice_fire - I have corrected your quote. Please learn how to quote and practice in the testing area. Also be aware, that you have 1 hour to edit your own posts, so it's better to try to fix your post within that timeframe than to apologise for it.

Previewing your post prior to posting is the best way to check for any errors prior to posting.

 

[cherryblossom]

This video should help . . . . [DLMURL]http://www.mysexabuse.com/threads/how-to-quote-posts.500/[/DLMURL]

 

[Ice_Fire]

Thank you :)