squeedle
Learning
Oh, boy... here goes: This is a true story, one which causes me Extreme shame because it is So hard to not think there is something wrong with me.
I turn 60 tomorrow, and I am a virgin. Not because of religious beliefs, but because of the extreme nature of the abuses in my early life. Not only that, but I have never been on a date or been kissed romantically before. Truly...never. (Any and all physical activity done to me or that I was forced into, is excluded because that stuff should never be confused with the normal processes of life. Perpetrators cannot, by definition, take away someone's virginity, in my opinion.)
Sorry, but I had to say that...
I suffered tremendous rejection at birth- even before I was born. I believe my father forced himself (raped) my mother on Valentine's Day 1961. She absolutely did not need or want another child then. She was in a Horrible situation with him, and I do understand why she rejected me- so many huge issues, I'm sure she was barely holding on. Nonetheless, she was not able to take care of even my basic needs. No one else was either. Look up "a failure to thrive" if you want the full picture.
This is all to say that I learned that I had no value and that I was unlovable (both incorrect but I wouldn't fully realize it until last year when I found true self-love.)
Then throw in years of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and even sexual abuse by clergy where I was blamed for my father molesting me (the priest was my uncle)....
I'm sorry to put this all out here like this, but I'm trying to show how and why and how much I can't "DO" intimacy.
I 've only ever experienced emotional intimacy with a few friends and animals. Pets have been my saving grace, They are almost the only place I have ever felt love and safety. I just can't get really close to people, I've never had many friendships even to have fun. Deeper friendships, rarely. And, as I said, no dates ever. I don't trust people, and even though I completely long for any form of safe touch, I haven't gotten it because I'm too traumatized to let people be close, physically or emotionally.
So...my terror of intimacy has created a ginormous void in my heart and such a profound need just to be safely touched I don't know how I survive it. We truly have strengths way beyond what we can imagine.
I'm sorry if this just felt like complaining. I share it in an attempt to help others.
Feel the pain when you must. But celebrate your strengths as well. Peace.
I turn 60 tomorrow, and I am a virgin. Not because of religious beliefs, but because of the extreme nature of the abuses in my early life. Not only that, but I have never been on a date or been kissed romantically before. Truly...never. (Any and all physical activity done to me or that I was forced into, is excluded because that stuff should never be confused with the normal processes of life. Perpetrators cannot, by definition, take away someone's virginity, in my opinion.)
Sorry, but I had to say that...
I suffered tremendous rejection at birth- even before I was born. I believe my father forced himself (raped) my mother on Valentine's Day 1961. She absolutely did not need or want another child then. She was in a Horrible situation with him, and I do understand why she rejected me- so many huge issues, I'm sure she was barely holding on. Nonetheless, she was not able to take care of even my basic needs. No one else was either. Look up "a failure to thrive" if you want the full picture.
This is all to say that I learned that I had no value and that I was unlovable (both incorrect but I wouldn't fully realize it until last year when I found true self-love.)
Then throw in years of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and even sexual abuse by clergy where I was blamed for my father molesting me (the priest was my uncle)....
I'm sorry to put this all out here like this, but I'm trying to show how and why and how much I can't "DO" intimacy.
I 've only ever experienced emotional intimacy with a few friends and animals. Pets have been my saving grace, They are almost the only place I have ever felt love and safety. I just can't get really close to people, I've never had many friendships even to have fun. Deeper friendships, rarely. And, as I said, no dates ever. I don't trust people, and even though I completely long for any form of safe touch, I haven't gotten it because I'm too traumatized to let people be close, physically or emotionally.
So...my terror of intimacy has created a ginormous void in my heart and such a profound need just to be safely touched I don't know how I survive it. We truly have strengths way beyond what we can imagine.
I'm sorry if this just felt like complaining. I share it in an attempt to help others.
Feel the pain when you must. But celebrate your strengths as well. Peace.