Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[ms spock]

Yet, I do hold an important role in the family unit, mainly as the scapegoat, so that's why they want me there. Me as an actual person in my own right though...not much good to them.

I was the scapegoat as well. From when I was a little child. So that is why they wanted me in the family. It enables them to not to deal with anything.

 

[ms spock]

Ms Spock, quite honestly, if I ever did "get it right" with my family, I would be worried!

Good point LhasaLover! It would be most disturbing if I did as well.

I guess the thing I was dealing with that thinking is that it is not my fault the my family is sadistic, abusive and dysfunctional that is just the way that they are, nothing I could do would make a difference. This lets me off the hook in feeling bad about myself.

 

[MomOfTwo]

What do you say when people ask you if you get along with your family?

I can relate. I hate when people ask me how my mom is. I have not talked to her in 3 months. I feel like saying, "Here is her number".[/quote]

 

[LhasaLover]

Today my father told me he talks to my brother about me to "set the record straight". I told him I didn't care what they said about me. I realized that I really do not care what they have to say about me - that was rather freeing for me today.

When people ask me about my family I say they moved and I don't see a lot of them. I just understate the matter because I am tired of giving them so much importance in my life. If you are my friend, you will understand my position. If you are an acquaintance, then it's really not appropriate to ask.

 

[jmni]

Today my father told me he talks to my brother about me to "set the record straight". I told him I didn't care what they said about me.

Good for you.

I spent some time with extended family. You could say I gave them a second chance. That was a huge mistake. My uncle called me "a kid." His children repeated it back to me. His adult children acted like it was true and even his ex-wife got in on the name calling. My cousin would tattle on me to my uncle and aunt. His younger kids would run around and act like total brats. Meanwhile everyone in his family works for him and does whatever he says, calls names, acts like brats. But somehow I am the kid? The irony in astounding and they don't seem to notice it. Whenever they tell me what they think it is always hypocritical.

 

[LhasaLover]

You could say I gave them a second chance. That was a huge mistake.

I have realized that those who have been closest to me are gone. I'm over trying to hold out hope for those relationships. That being said, extended family and friendships that have run their course are completely not within consideration. I reached out to a few of them and they blew any chance of a future relationship with me.

You learn about people in times of trouble among other situations. I forgive them, but I will remember their actions.

It struck me when I was feeling slightly content and care free for a fleeting moment, you know I can feel like and keep my guard down as long as I have the right type of people around me who will not take advantage!

 

[LaMer]

Having just cut ties, for the second time, with my family, I can relate to a lot of the content here.

I had done it once before, expecting them to run after me, acknowledging their heinous treatment of me, begging for my forgiveness. But they never did. And in their absence, that quiet space, I became very scared. I ended up running back to them, and apologizing to them for holding them accountable in the first instance. I’m scared of hitting that low this time around. I hope I don’t. I already miss them, but I realize that they’ll never change. They’ll never understand what, how and why their actions and inactions tear me apart. And as much as I miss them, I can’t put myself in the line of fire anymore. Every time I do, I fall into that old pattern being a doormat just for attention, or acceptance or love.

But this time round, I have someone who loves me unconditionally. This time round, I know the difference. Hopefully one day I can step back in and embrace them without compromising my self-esteem but I am not able to do that just now. I realize I need to step back, and work on myself first.

 

[Philippa]

I think I have half expected, or hoped for the same reaction from mine as well LaMer, but it hasn't come either...well, my mother did acknowledge some stuff, but it turned out she was only saying what I wanted to here to manipulate me into coming back, and when I worked it out, I was even more furious and stayed away.

A friend asked me "Is it really them you miss, or is it the idea of family?" What do you think?

 

[saffy]

Hi all,

For me it would be the idea of family. But also I wish I was not so disappointed in my family.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[LeftRight]

Hi, I'm brand new here but have followed this thread with extreme interest. I was just wondering how many people here who have managed to cut off toxic family members actually told their family they were doing so, or did they just stop being in contact without saying why. The reason why I'm asking is because I've been considering it, but know that to announce it would just bring an heap of jeering and insults, with the claim of how ridiculous I am. I really don't want anymore pain.

 

[safirefalcon]

Hi-
I just found this website/thread last night too LeftRight. And just finished reading it today. I've pondered that very same question myself for months. I am still in the "gonna do it but haven't yet" stage, more out of anxiety than anything else. But my father just passed and I did get involved with his care while he was ill. So at this point my siblings and I are still settling things involved with that.

I thought about pulling myself out of that, but came to the conclusion that it wouldn't be safe for me to do it yet. I hate that the urgency of it is right in my face at this point when walking away would go so noticed right now and could possibly be met with some real nasty stuff. Not that I couldn't ignore phone calls, but the possibility of a house call and what might come of it, would have me so anxious I wouldn't be able to function.

I'm the scapegoat who knows the truth, is aware of it and wanted so many times to resolve certain things, but no one else wants that. It took numerous "head bangs against the wall" to realize that no one sees what's really up and they've all labeled me as the problem. If I'd just let it go, stop living in the past, everything would be OK.

My siblings: I basically fear them. I never know what I'm gonna get and they are somewhat unpredictable in their moods. And all my life I've felt responsible for my sister's emotions, always trying to control her feelings by doing what she wanted. And that pattern is still alive and kicking so hard, I can't stand myself anymore. I just folded again today.

But anyway, to answer your question, personally when I do finally go through with the decision to sever my ties, I am going to just go no contact, no response.

I thought that telling them all might be the right thing to do and relieve me of the anxiety surrounding it all. But knowing the somewhat violent reactions I've gotten, my judgment is to keep quiet and go my way without them even knowing what I'm doing.

I'm sure they will figure it out once they don't get responses from me anymore. But I'd be lucky to receive only jeering insults and not a knock and a visit at my door to beat me up about it.

I'll pass. I don't need to know what they think and I sure as heck don't need their approval. My interest lies in keeping myself safe and not saying anything is the best way for me to make that happen.

Good luck.
And SweatpantsHairTied, thanks for starting this very supportive thread.

 

[safirefalcon]

One thing I've been wondering about is the pictures. What do I do with all the pictures I have of my family and me together? I went through the house a few years ago and took them all down from being displayed. But I still have them all in a bin.

It's one thing to trash the digital stuff, but actual hardcopy, print photos?

What have you done with yours? Anyone who doesn't mind answering.

Thanks.