So it is hard, because if we hadn't spent so much time with the others at trivia, then going to sit with my friend and her husband, who have returned from overseas, wouldn't be a big deal. I don't want to engage with the revisionist history, but I also don't want to be unkind either. It is not useful or necessary. The appropriate thing is to just disengage, and not go. I will be working soon, and I won't have time for trivia anyway. I don't have respect for Deb's husband, and that was long before she committed suicide. Her sister has a difficult personality, and B doesn't like her, or want to be around her, and I feel the same, and the other three, well I really like T&L, as well as M, but it is not work going to put up with Deb's husband's comments, he is pretty sexist, or to listen to her sister's glass is half full commentary. She thinks that teachers should teach like they did 40 years ago, and when I explained that only 15% of the Australian population went to Year 12, or the final year of high school, and if we taught the content teachers taught 40 years ago then we would only be teaching up to a Grade 4 or 5 level in terms of content. She is also racist, and seriously I don't need that in my life. I only really went to see Deb, (and for long periods didn't even go for that as trivia was boring me,) and have the occasional conversation with the three others I like, but L has serious social anxiety and agoraphobia, and doesn't do anything to improve her life, and that is her choice, but we live very different lives, I work on myself all the time.
I know it is not my responsibility how other people experience things, but if we went and sat with the others, it would hurt their feelings, and I know that they would read it in a negative way, and I don't want to do that. They have had a terrible tragedy in their lives, and they have to construct narratives and stories to manage that. We all do that to some extent.
I spoke to Deb's husband and told her that her behaviours were like someone about to attempt suicide. I gave him resources - Suicide Call Back Line, go see a pyschiatrist, ring the mental health team, etc etc when he paid no attention to me, I got B to ring up and say the same things in case it was sexism that was preventing him from hearing me, I think it was denial now or no capacity, but whatever it was when Deb's husband rang up and said we don't know what was happening there (in reference to the suicide) B just cut him off and then talked about something else to do with the funeral. I get it he couldn't deal with what I was saying but I don't have to listen to him saying everything was done that could be done, when in my opinion that is not true. I said to him get the Internet disconnected, and he got patronising nad condescending and said "Oh no, a lot of things I do is the Internet!" REally someone tells you of their fears of your partner killing themselves and you can't take a couple of basic steps? On the other side to say that to them what I think and feel would not be compassionate and now that she has committed suicide not at all helpful. So I have decided not to continue on with those people, in my social network, and that is my choice.
I got angry on the 1st of June when Deb said she was going into retreat to "heal," it was clearly bullshit, and that she had decided to commit suicide and was getting rid of anyone in her life who could have called her on her stuff. That was her choice. I am still angry about her choice, at times, and for a few minutes here and there I shed a few tears. I am not good at feeling feelings. I think that is my main problem, instead of feeling feelings I go in to ruminations or maladaptive daydreaming or comfort eating or binge eating. I said when she retreated to my partner that the next time we would all see each other would be at her funeral, and that did turn out to be true, it was not a hard thing to see what was happening, for me anyway.
I guess I am angry at Deb as well because I know how easy it is to go to that space, and I also tried to kill myself in 2013, so I feel a bit of hypocrite.
I am thinking that when I see my friend on Friday that I shouldn't say much, just say it was sad, and leave it at that, because me rehashing my conversations with Deb, that if she is that unhappy in the relationship, and her husband was that selfish that I said that she really didn't want to go down the same path as his first wife, (who also committed suicide). She agreed, and she did Facebook me that he had agreed to buy her out in two years if he still didn't want to move, because the house was too hard to manage for her now as she ages. I would imagine telling my friend that would not be useful for her to know I guess? I know she wouldn't say it to Deb's husband, and I know that Deb did care for him as well. But she was very unhappy and anxious about the relationship, and she was furious about being made to stay in the house against her will, and I did suggest to just go away for a week or a weekend for a meditation retreat, so he could get a sense of not having her there, and maybe he would appreciate her a bit more, what I think happened, and I will never know for sure, but that she didn't trust the strength of the relationship, she had attachment issues. I know though she decided to commit suicide sometime in the middle of May, and June the 1st she started, she got rid of me, (when I said to my partner the next time we will all see each other will be at her funeral) and she just retreated into the anxiety and distress and somatisation.
Somehow we need to support people who somatise their anxiety and depression instead of just not taking them seriously.
Anyway I did go to her funeral and I did go to the wake for a time as well. It wasn't about me, and my anger, it was about showing respect, and also giving solace to a couple of people that truly didn't know that someone could feel that bad and take such actions. One woman came to me and said if I had only seen her, and I said to her there was nothing you could have done, she had made her decision. That she cut people out so they could not make an input.
But I won't pretend that no one knew that she could potentially kill herself as I called it months before she killed herself. I could see it. So it is not necessary for me to say anything as that would only cause hurt, but it is also not necessary for me to listen to all the the comments (which to me are lies) that it was such a shock when I mentioned my concerns to multiple people many times, and approached her husband directly, and made a specific phone call and B repeated that phone call, and I didn't sleep for a couple of weeks from stressing about it, after she cut me off. That is not my reality, for those with low capacity to manage and deal with such things, that is their truth, for her husband who was in denial, despite my comments and phone calls, that is his truth.
I wish I had written this out yesterday instead of comfort/binge eating. That would have been a more useful use of my time rather than dissociated reading whilst numbing out on food.
