Sexual Assault Did my ex rape/assault me with bdsm?

[recoveringfromptsd]

recoveringfromptsd, I am so sorry that you were abused by a staff member. My heart goes out to you. I...

Yes, I do have a good support network, trauma therapist, dbt therapist, regular therapist, psych doc, trauma group (run by someone who works for mobile crisis), drop in center, mobile crisis and of course hotlines. But it is extremely hard for me, as besides the staff member incident which broke me mentally at the time. I have been r..... a total of 6 times. Twice was brutal.

But even with all the therapy, the emdr, and all, I constantly think about ending it all because it hurts so much, and it seems never ending. But those are just thoughts my regular T is already aware of. The hope is as hard as it is as stuff is stirred up that with the EMDR my baseline of being passively suicidal (the term used by Dr. K at Sheppard Pratt's Trauma Disorders Unit) will decrease over time. The only thing I really have to live for right now is the hope that the EMDR will help eventually.

I don't believe he would be dumb enough to be criminally negligent, but I suppose there's always that possibility

Actually in the BDSM community its common to be criminally negligent, I used to be in the BDSM community until I was assaulted by someone who hard previously threatened to assault me, and it was done as part of a BDSM group gathering. Afterward I heard from someone who had gotten hurt by a member of that group, his life was threatened by the group to the degree he had to change his address, everything.
When I made an issue of it, I was made out the be the bad person, these days the doms take no responsibility and place all the responsibility on responsibility on the sub. in the old days the rule of the day was SAFE, SANE and CONSENSUAL which puts the responsibility on the DOM, that has been replaced with RACK which places the responsibility on the SUB.

If BDSM involves sex, it is almost always a one way thing with the sub suffering from it, its abuse in my book. BDSM should never involve SEX, if it does consensual means nothing these days.

 

[Kintsugi]

If BDSM involves sex, it is almost always a one way thing with the sub suffering from it,

This is utterly false. Sorry you had a bad group. Sounds toxic.

What are you doing to address this in treatment, @minirini ?

 

[minirini]

This is utterly false. Sorry you had a bad group. Sounds toxic.

What are you doing to address this...

I agree, that sort of behavior from doms--putting all the responsibility on the subs--is toxic.

I'm in therapy and will have to tell my therapist next session that I was indeed raped. We're probably going to discuss why the hell I didn't get out of this relationship, how to say no, and what I need to do to reestablish boundaries and assert my rights. I have a very supportive partner, with whom I discuss affirmative consent, boundaries, and what we are/aren't okay with.

 

[Deanna]

I agree, that sort of behavior from doms--putting all the responsibility on the subs--is toxic.

Yes, and that kind of personality doesn't have to have anything to do with BDSM. There are many people in the world that simply don't care. But, I do have something to say to you about not knowing what BDSM was or wasn't. When someone knocks your hed into a wall like that ( boyfriend or no boyfriend) that is called assault. That party should have been over at that point

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

that is called assault. That party should have been over at that point

For me it was someone who had previously threatened to physically harm me, that was not only allowed to be part of the scene but allowed by those who should have been looking out for my safety and knew of the threats but allowed that person to become part of the scene where he was allowed to carry out his threat while I could do nothing about it. I ended up with a cracked tailbone. And when I raised the issue I was threatened with my life, and all sorts of other crap.

How do you even get something in the BDSM world prosecuted, once the law finds out it was in a bdsm environment it would seem besides the stigma of even disclosing that, law enforcement will want to just blow it off as being an active participant in the crime against you.

 

[minirini]

For me it was someone who had previously threatened to physically harm me, that was not only...

Man, there's a lot of shit out there! That sounds really awful; I can't imagine getting a cracked tailbone and being threatened with your life. I'm sorry that happened to you, recoveringfromptsd.

I doubt law enforcements would listen to a person who claimed he/she got assaulted under the guise of BDSM, since they're under the misconception that "everything goes" in BDSM. Well, maybe in more liberal/"enlightened" parts of the US, some law enforcement officials might recognize the wrongness of the situation, but most are not.

 

[jessamy]

No,it was not rape or assault,you agreed ahead of time without questioning what exactly was going to...

ok. if my bf called me and said, "hey, do you want to go out and eat tonight instead of cooking?"
I'd say yes, thinking after work we would meet at home and discuss what sounds good, what his ideas were, where we might like to go.

in OP situation, bf asked about trying something new, some thought was given, an agreement was made, and - from what I understood in OP - she was total blindsided by bf upon entering apt. no opportunity was given to discuss everything before starting anything.

this isn't bdsm by principle. this is flat out assault.