Childhood Did you report and if not why not.

[oakleaves]

I can't. I am an adult now and I can't.

I just can't. I'm fully aware of how skewed the police and the criminal justice system are. I can't verbalise it anyway. But I can't. I just wonder if the fear of feeling I have to report if I can talk is unconsciously keeping me from talking.

I feel dreadful for not saying anything and for not speaking up at the time. But now I feel like the time has gone and I wouldn't be believed anyway.

But the guilt of not saying till this point is so big. Maybe it should be.

 

[Ronin]

You are not to blame for your silence, complicit *by* that silence, or doing wrong. Nor are you somehow helping your perp or others like him.

You taking care of you & your healing is a needs musts shoulds. And that's hard enough. Others are an extra, provided they aren't children / otherwise unable to protect themselves, an/or in current danger.

Given this is in childhood...
I tried reporting a part that was cults to regular police force. They had more of these reports and laughed it off as crazy kids lying, and the drowned kids fishing accidents.

The later, it didn't need reporting, it needed surviving & staying away from. Also because reporting would had me & mine shot. By 'own' OR the govt, or others, pick one.

The other war crap with regular commands, I didn't report it. But I threatened to a few times / passed the news elsewhere. Wrecked havoc enough. Still have wee bit of an issue with bullies.

Other things? Played along. Reported it soonest.

The super civilian / just my issues, I tend to not report. Because they're shit like one day rape. I can handle rapes. I can't handle delays & extra stress by reporting it if it's focus on things done to *me*. So I don't bother. I talk to who will get me good shape pronto.

It's not on me in all of these.
But should haves still bite. So sympathies.

You are doing okay. You helping you, is doing good. :hug:

 

[RoseyViolet]

I can't. I am an adult now and I can't.

I just can't. I'm fully aware of how skewed the police and the criminal justice system are. I can't verbalise it anyway. But I can't. I just wonder if the fear of feeling I have to report if I can talk is unconsciously keeping me from talking.

I feel dreadful for not saying anything and for not speaking up at the time. But now I feel like the time has gone and I wouldn't be believed anyway.

But the guilt of not saying till this point is so big. Maybe it should be.

Please don't torture yourself over what happened outside of your ability to change as a child and put added pressure on yourself about should have/could have scenarios of reporting. What is done is done, now acting on healthy things that bring you healing and hope for the future should be your paramount concern. Have you considered consulting a counselor to at least be able to get all of the story out to move forward? It really helped me to finally tell someone, I had a huge sense of relief when I was able to verbalize it and get it all out. Whether someone believes you or not shouldn't be your concern, you know the truth, you know the hurt you sustained and what others believe is up to them to account for. Victims of abuse often feel trapped by their secrets. Don't let your past and what someone did to you trap you further into a prison of silence and pain. Perhaps journaling would be beneficial to you. Write a "letter" to your abuser, it can be very therapeutic. I pray you find peace and healing for your soul.

 

[embarkingonlife]

I know you've probably heard the "it isn't your fault" anti-victim blaming a lot, but it really isn't. The guilt is real, and it's heavy, but if you allow it to engulf you you'll never be able to experience any amount of healing. Do not be afraid to tell your story to a counselor or support system, but do not feel like you're obliged to either. If you want to tell everyone you encounter, or if you want to tell no one ever, that decision is yours and yours alone. None of it was your fault, and you do not have an obligation to tell anyone if you don't wish to. Telling someone would be solely for your sake, if you feel like it would help you heal. If you don't, then you never have to say a word. Everyone is different and for some people it helps to talk about it, for me it made it more unbearable to speak about so I choose not to go into detail. Sending light and positivity your way as you embark on this healing journey. Just know that no matter what you choose to do, so long as you're doing it for yourself and doing what's best for you it's the right decision.

 

[osiris]

I can't. I am an adult now and I can't.
I feel dreadful for not saying anything and for not speaking up at the time. But now I feel like the time has gone and I wouldn't be believed anyway.

But the guilt of not saying till this point is so big. Maybe it should be.

You are not to blame. This guilt is not yours to carry.
For what it’s worth I have been on both sides.
As a teenager my family forced me to report CA by guilting me into it. Someone else may have been hurt, how could I live with myself etc. Maybe it assuaged their guilt for what happened but it was beyond traumatic for me and I was left totally in the dark as to what happened. I don’t even know who dealt with it as it happened on a military base.
A couple of years later I was raped and the first time I spoke of it was last week on this site.
Silent for many years.
Neither experience was right or helpful to me and I can’t say either approach worked out well.

I guess I’m saying the most important thing is to find a way for you to get through this. To be gentle with yourself. The weight of the guilt that holds you down is not yours to bear.
Sending safe healing thoughts.

 

[Wonder Woman]

No, I didn't. I didn't even tell my mother, until four years after I had been raped. Then, I only told because I realized I needed help. Unfortunately, my parents did not handle things well. I ended-up being re-traumatized.

So many people have let me down and added to my suffering, throughout the years... including professionals who were suppose to have helped. I never officially reported the first rape, which I experienced at 12-years-old.