ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

So yesterday I stepped closer to living a life eating regular size portions. I ate regular amounts of food, this is a significant change for me and my behaviours. I felt my feelings a lot more! It was not easy. It was tough, but a solid improvement for me.

I ate normal portion sizes, and I didn't binge eat.

So it was a very different day yesterday. I felt agitated at times, and it was not easy. I did feel like running away a fair bit. I did go for a drive at one point to get myself out of the house. So I am growing and changing.

Today I am trying to increase my skills in terms of Self Compassion practices so that I can sit with the feelings, and accept them. I am very harsh towards myself. So I need to be kinder to me, so I don't have to run away from myself all the time, because I am beating myself up all the time.

It feels very different in my body I must say. It is a very different way of experiencing my body. It feels weird and not right. It is very strange for me to feel that way in my body - to feel not numb and over full. So a huge change for me. I have to now normalise it, and practise this new way of being.

 

[ms spock]

I managed to eat normal size portions again yesterday, which are different to the ones that restaurants serve up to you, that is for sure! And I got through, it was not easy but I am practising a new way of being.

 

[ms spock]

Just now my partner was having a meal, and I made him a salad, and I didn't eat because I am not hungry yet. I don't know how to explain how big a shift this is, I didn't go to the scared little place of eating as much as possible because the food/love might run out and I might miss out on food/love. I am really changing as a person. It is really big and quite scary as well. Last night I really wanted to binge eat/comfort eat because I was really scared, but I didn't. I was moderate. So I am not into days of not comfort eating or binge eating. I may have had a little bit too much butter, and an extra bit of soya milk so I went over my weight watchers points but it was successful day. I still can't help but pick at myself or have a go at times, but I am becoming more aware, and I am willing to change. I have a 40 year disordered eating history, that comes for childhood trauma, so this is a big change for me, and I must say I was exhausted with the feelings in my body, seeing a scary moving, and all the pain I was in yesterday, since Wednesday.

 

[ms spock]

I offered myself loving kindness whilst I was eating lunch today, so I could notice what was really happening for me. I think food was the only love, care and nourishment in my family, and giving up eating extra is akin to giving up the hope for love, care and nourishment. That won't work out well as an internal split within myself. So today as I am playing around with Loving Kindness I offered to myself "May I feel love!" "May I feel nourished!" "May I feel cared for!" I kept saying that to myself whilst I was eating to have compassion for the compulsion to overeat. I ate slowly. It will take a while for these new practices to take, but I will get there, and I was able to walk away from a second helping as I had given myself some love, care and nourishment through the Loving Kindness, it made a difference. I have been working on and practising Mindfulness since 2013, though it has been and up and down thing. I was also compassionate, and completely accepting, that if I did overeat, well of course, I would overeat because that was all the love that I ever had as a child, the only self soothing, the only tenderness I received as a child, so it losened it all up for me, and I did okay with the eating. it doesn't matter if it works or it doesn't work, I will just keep practicing it until it becomes a habit and a part of me. Apparently for those with trauma it can take 2-3 years for Loving Kindness to become internalised, but 10-20 minutes in the morning is enough. I was doing an hour of Mindfulness, so it is doable for me. So bit by bit I am researching and discerning out a working plan for myself. It will be dedicated, persistent, work, and I have the skills to be dedicated, persistent and do the work. I can do that now.

I am reading the Chris Germer book on self compassion, and it has a lot of tidbits in it for those who suffered childhood trauma in it, so I am applying those practises to my daily life.

After 40 plus years of disordered eating this is an incremental, significant and ongoing improvement for me, which I didn't really think was possible for me at the beginning of this year, but I thought, what the heck, let us try and crack this anyway. It is a big journey, and incredibly hard for me, as I am totally changing my way of being in the world, but I am doing it.

 

[ms spock]

So I forgot about Loving Kindness last night, and I did a bit of comfort eating. This morning I did remember to do some Loving Kindness! The fear and anxiety came up last night.

 

[Teasel]

It still amazes me how totally I can forget useful tools when in a certain headspace.

Well done on persisting anyway

I just found myself wondering how many related to disordered eating, whether over or under eating - to having similarities to addictions?

I think I feel it to be related....

 

[ms spock]

The discussion now is that addiction is about attachment disorder @berlinda. Look at the direction that Portugal has gone in. They no longer criminalise addicts, they send them to treatment.

 

[ms spock]

My portion sizes were way too big yesterday lunch - and that would have been fine it I had either skipped dinner, or had a light dinner, but I didn't, and I had several portions for dinner as well. So I overate yesterday quite a bit, which is not the best. I however didn't go over that, which I was habituated to going over previously. I have to address my neediness and desparation, and heal those, learn a better way of dealing with them, because they underpin my overeating, my disordered eating, my comfort eating, and my binge eating. So I am still improving but gosh it is taking a lot of concentration and change within myself.

I went out walking with our dog this morning, and I went to three places in nature, and I did the Loving Kindness at the third one, and on and off during our walking. So I am trying to make it a daily formal practice but also an all day practise as well. Gradually I will change my thinking, and my harsh interactions with myself.

 

[Teasel]

Look at the direction that Portugal has gone in. They no longer criminalise addicts, they send them to treatment.

Agreed. I wondered specifically if you or others that relate to disordered eating see it as similar to addictions?

 

[ms spock]

Agreed. I wondered specifically if you... that relate to disordered eating see it as similar to addictions?

For me absolutely, it is an addiction, I am stopping the self soothing and the self sedation and numbing by being here now, and it is exceedlying hard and difficult for me. I have almost broken the back of it, whilst tapering off my medication (under medical supervision of course, and not by myself, and my own guestimations)

Despite struggling so much with food this week I did actually lose weight, and I really, really struggled with not eating last night it was so hard. I knew I had had enough to eat but I really wanted to comfort eat. I ate two mandarins but didn't eat anything else. I spent two hours in a bath. I did distraction, distraction, distraction! It was really hard.

So now I am three kilograms from being to my goal weight which is 72 kilos, which is the top of my BMI weight range. I will probably go under that, if it is right for my body, but I will see when I get there, but in 3 kilos I will be no longer overweight. I will be in my normal weight range, so therea re many healthbenefits for me -

• Decreased overall physical pain, and given my long term chronic pain this is amazing!
• Improved mobility.
• Decreased joint pain.
• Improved cholesterol levels.
• Decreased risk of heart disease.
• Decreased risk of certain cancers.
• Decreased risk of diabetes.
  
• Improved blood sugar levels.
• Lowered blood pressure.
• Decreased risk of a stroke

So that is a significant improvement and I am pleased with that. 3 kilos to get to my goal, and seriously I didn't think this was something that I ever could do, but tiny step by step I am doing it.

It is terribly hard for me to not self sooth, and emotionally self regulate and numb out using food. I am really struggling over how small a regular portion size is, I would eat a couple of portion sizes whilst cooking a meal. So I have moved out of morbidly obese, to generally obese into the overweight category and I now I am close to moving out of the overweight category. I am most confronted by the feelings of vulnerability that come with the less weight, being able to fit in to clothes, the emotions that come from not being numbed by food, etc etc etc. It is an arduous part of the journey at the moment. The last week has been quite tough.

It will be maintance that will be the most important thing for me to focus on, and that will be hard, as life has ups and downs, and my go to has been self sedation via food, but I have made it this far, and I can learn more skills to assist me in moving forward with this. It is just going to be hard for awhile whilst I sit with not eating, before I was sitting overeating to a lesser extent. I, of course, did noticing of binge eating. I did noticing of doing a lot less binge eating. It has been a long journey, it has taken a couple of years to get here, though I only joined weight watchers in January.

This is a life changing journey for me, it is like someone giving up alcohol or drugs. I am changing as a person, and it is really a challenge before, during and after every meal at the moment, but eventually I will gain some better skills for managing this.

I did some Loving Kindness and Self Compassion Breaks on and off, and I need to make that part of me. I need to make that a daily practice, not only in formal practises but as an overall mindset that I carry with me throughout my daily activities. I am still shocked at how incredibly abusive, and harsh I am towards myself after all the work that I have done. I have done a lot of work to improve myself. It has been worth it, definitely, but I still have so far to go. Now I am most fortunate that I have a path to follow and I know what to do. I know know what to do. And that is most fortunate indeed. I know the way forward. It is a really tough way to go and I have to do lots of new things and push myself in lots of way, but I can do it.

This last week has been horrendously hard for me, it has been to teeth grindingly tough. I really have total sympathy and compassion for people who give up, and stay the same! It is so hard to sit with feelings, and being in this now, and having feelings and being present are my two least favourite things, so yes I am going to have to learn how to ground myself. I thought I had got away with that one in one way, but in another way I had no idea how to do it, whereas now I have little bit of an idea to actually work on. All the work that I have done previously has contributed to what I am achieving now. It has been bone wearyingly hard but well worth it.

25 Surprising Benefits of Weight Loss—More to Slimming Down Than Killer Physique

 

[ninja]

You are facing a lot, and it is complex and patience-building in my opinion.
I know I say this over and over and over again but, ED's are nasty to work through. The idea that self-compassion tends to be an important part of moving forward is something that feels so foreign and "must not be right."
You get to give and receive kindness to yourself, and from others. Congratulations @Living in the 70s . . it is quite a lot of progress to go from (if it felt this way) feeling out of control and disempowered (?) to a bit hopeful but unclear on how to do the work to make progress, to now feeling like you can do it, are doing it and have an idea of how to continue supporting yourself.
:hug:

 

[ms spock]

You are facing a lot, and it is complex and patience-building in my opinion.

It is!

I know I say this over and over and over again but, ED's are nasty to work through.

They are - especially when they began as a child.

The idea that self-compassion tends to be an important part of moving forward is something that feels so foreign and "must not be right."

Totally weird, never thought I would get here. Totally out of my frame of reference.

You get to give and receive kindness to yourself, and from others. Congratulations @Living in the 70s . . it is quite a lot of progress to go from (if it felt this way) feeling out of control and disempowered (?) to a bit hopeful but unclear on how to do the work to make progress, to now feeling like you can do it, are doing it and have an idea of how to continue supporting yourself.
:hug:

I am so tired, and that is really how it is like. I am really trying so hard with it all. I am not talking as much and putting up a wall when I am with people, so I don't know how to be around other people. I am a shy person when I be me? So weird and no one will probably believe.