ED Disordered eating

[ninja]

If it helps, I am struggling with food today as well. I stand next to you, through some of these horrible feelings. We can do this.

 

[ms spock]

Yeah it makes it less lonely.

I am struggling with the impulse to eat at times, then I distract myself, and then I come back to the impulse, again, and again and again. So it is not going well. I am reading Brene Brown's "Daring Greatly". Trying to sit with the feelings of shame and distress.

Distractions - attempting to see a friend, arranging to see another friend, cold baths, listening to music, walking with walking group, breathing, The Alexander Technique, playing a musical instrument.

Now to get out of the house before I really slip and lose it.

 

[ninja]

I just want you to know none of it was your fault. And this stuff you are working through now, also is not your fault. If this doesn’t resonate, please disregard. You are doing so well.
I decided to give in a little bit today. Each time it gets easier to remember how I would like my body to feel.

 

[ms spock]

Yeah well I fell off the wagon, I went to an anxiety provoking situation (yes all the situations in my life are anxiety provoking at this time) So I ate a whole lot of chocolate peanuts, ate them so fast I didn't taste them, half before and half now, but had lunch with a friend (why are all the people I know completely nutty?) and we went walking for an hour.

I went into the supermarket to save on the bank fees but really the bank fee would have been worth it to actually

A distraction of a different sort - I gave a donkey a massage. So yes that is amusing. I have never given a donkey a massage before. So that was kind of amusing. I thought I will put that in my Disordered Eating thread as a bit of comedic relief. f*ck IT!

Gillian Welch ''Look at Miss Ohio''

What happened wasn't my fault @NinjaWolf, and I would have handled all so much better if I had been an unabused adult, but I wasn't I was a highly vulnerable severely traumatised child/young person.


This is really hard. Really, really hard.

 

[ms spock]

And this is how I have spent the majority of my childhood, and adulthood, in a food coma, numbing my feelings. So it is a big change I am heading towards.

I just want to go to sleep. I want the day to be totally over.

 

[ninja]

It is a mammoth to work through.
We are learning healthy coping mechanisms and whilst learning we are right off the bat using them for some pretty significantly bad feelings. It is a sh*tty system, and difficult to get out from under.
The more we feel our bodies in all kinds of circumstances (when we eat foods that agree with our systems, when we eat too much, too little...), the more it becomes easier to stop feeling the desire to eat when our bodies don't need it.
I agree. It was a rough rough day.

 

[ms spock]

I didn't go so well last night. I didn't manage to sleep in my bed. And I ate dinner when I really didn't need as I had eaten so much during the day.

But I got through, and I am not beating myself up over it because the only way I will be able to manage this is to know my patterns really well, and then make small incremental changes.

I slacked off last night with my mindful movement.

I went to a social situation for half an hour, 45 minutes, and I felt shame when I left. I feel shame before I get to a social situation and shame upon leaving. I have corrosive self doubt, and it doesn't make it easy. I need to actually going back to busting my distorted cognitions. And grounding and being here. I won't die from feeling my feelings but it feels like it.

I really don't want to be here. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to be present. I don't want to feel. I just want to numb and avoid. Numbing and avoiding are my go to places. So I numb and avoid and I think I am taking time out and relaxing, but that is not true I am not taking time out to care for myself. I am just numbing myself and avoiding.

 

[ms spock]

I don't feel the best. I am struggling.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I had one meal and one snack today. I'll have another snack later. I feel fat. I stood in front of the mirror and shamed myself yesterday. Too big here. Too big there. I check myself and suck my stomach in. I made sure my shirt was loose and I was happy when it got chilly and I could put my hoodie on. It covers my stomach. It's not flat. Shame. I feel shame and embarrassment. I "should" look like this. I "should" look like that. I try not to think about how I feel about my self image too often.

 

[ms spock]

It is not an easy row to hoe @BlackbirdSinging.

I am struggling with immense shame as well. I struggle with feeling humiliated. I struggle to feel. It is really such a big struggle.

 

[ms spock]

So I ate too much last night, so I ate just little breakfast this morning. So I am not sure what to do, when I came home it was lunch time, so I immediately snacked on some jatz biscuits with tomato, and then some biscuits with cheese - maybe 8 biscuits. I would comfort eat this as a child, so was I hungry? and if so, I could have waited until lunch was cooked. I didn't have to wait long. I resisted buying anything at teh supermarket, so I did well with that. I am not sure when I am hungry and when I am comfort eating sometimes. I gave myself a scathing serve and then realise I actually needed to have had a meal because it is way past due time. So it can be complex, but also I make it complex at times. So much avoidance, and so much willingness to change, and I am tired, and I don't want to do this anymore. It is really hard work. I feel tired, and I just want to sleep and check out for the rest of the day. I did realise I had eaten enough during lunch and stopped eating and left the rissole for lunch for later on, which is a huge improvement for me, I would just shove everything down on my throat to feel numb and not feel the frisson of social connection, so that is a big improvement. I am so tired. I don't want to do any of this anymore. I have this maladaptive daydreaming in my head about being at this school I want to work at and I keep going through and through my head and me being humilated again and again. I don't want to feel vulnerable and open to rejection, ridicule, and humilation. My fear of this is running my life, not an actual problem but my fear is ruining my life.

So going back to the Self Compassion Break would be an idea. I did a few this morning. It is really rugged. I am struggling. I just want to blank out and not feel.

 

[ms spock]

All I want to do is numb out.