ED Disordered eating

[mumstheword]

Thanks it is a huge change that I am going through at the moment!


Thanks they have been ve...

Thank you @Disco Dancing Queen ! :-)
I weighed myself today - 84.9 kg :laugh:

 

[ms spock]

:)
I weighed myself today - 84.9 kg :laugh:

Great stuff! That is hard solid work that you are doing there!
This is still a challenge at time but not nail bitingly hard as it once was - today was an okay day - not easy - but not fiendishly hard.

 

[ms spock]

So I changed my name for a couple of reasons (I am an ABBA fan) and now my weight has improved, so much so, that I am in the 70s again. The late 70s, and I am very grateful for that, and very pleased to make it here, at this time.

After along time of being obese, I am not longer obese, I am just overweight. It is a huge improvement for me in a significant manner. Conditions such as Type 2 diabetes are less likely to develop if an obese person loses 10% of their weight. I have done this! I have also improved my pain management by losing weight. It will always be a challenge, but I am rising up to the challenge. Other health impacts include: lowered blood pressure, improved cholesterol levels, decreased risk of heart disease, decreased risk of certain cancers, (I am in a high risk category) improved mobility, decreased joint pain, improved blood sugar levels, decreased risk of stroke, reduced back pain, decreased risk or improvement in symptoms of osteoarthritis, and generally feeling a bit less shame in my day to day life.

I didn't do so well with eating on the weekend. I did stay within my weight watchers points but I did go into comfort eating all of Saturday night and also on and off on Sunday. I found myself triggered by a friend who also has PTSD and Complex Trauma. It was a hard situation for me to be in. I couldn't cope with it very well at all. Despite that I did have a good weekend.

So yes I have marked improvements in my eating but it is so easy to slip slide off once again. I didn't beat myself up so much this time. I noticed what I was doing. I will go back to Self Compassion Breaks. I am changing, so slowly, but I am changing. I am developing as a person. I am a little more present. I am not so reactive. I am just a human being doing the best that she can.

I am eating really well now, even when comfort eating, so that is another change, and if I slip a little it is okay, but mostly I don't, but I give myself what I most long for. I am doing really well with doing that. And it stops the deprivation and desparation taking over. There are many deep and deeper needs that I have always used food to meet. Tiny steps by tiny steps I am now starting to meeting those needs myself, addressing them a bit at a time, but not too much so it doesn't trigger off that reactive attachment disorder, that corrosive self doubt, and avalanche of self hatred, self vilificiation, self blame, and self flagellation. So slowly, slowly I am doing it.

So many changes, handmade, slow, piece by piece changing. I am working on a lot. I am very grateful for all the people that respond to me, and share their experiences with me. It makes me feel so much less alone. It makes me feel that it is possible for me to heal, and to manage my symptoms.

Man it is a gong show sometimes.
Anger is one that often led to food for me. I struggle with figuring out how to let anger be. It's a process.

It sure is a process, and one I have not worked out myself. I have not worked this out myself.

 

[ms spock]

Part of it seemed to be anger at myself for taking away my one greatest distraction and coping mechanism. And then the anger at feeling powerless to know what to do.

The helplessness and hopelessness is really hard to deal with. I also have the maladaptive daydreaming.

Having yoga as a regular outlet to get in touch with me has helped a lot. And when I am angry I tend to either need to ferociously walk it off and let my thoughts run, or scream into a pillow. I’ve found movement has been instrumental to moving through, particularly anger. A fair bit of my processing has happened at yoga. And regular movement reminds me how I want to feel lighter and agile.

Movement is so big for me as well. I walked for two hours today, slowly, but to keep moving, and to notice my moving.

Creative expression I need, and I need to tell myself over and over that I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. As is. I am doing the best I can and that is enough.

Me too! I am on the edge of creativity.

I try to say self soothing things to myself as well!

I am enough.

 

[anonymous]

It's been up and down with me. Lots of triggers and chronic stress patterns but still progress, and more and more compassion and giving myself some grieving time.

After the yoga weekend I felt both gratified and exhausted, triggered with huge anxiety, nerves and freeze and avoidance behaviours.

I haven't been great with my diet. Way too many simple carbs and having a (not-so-) milky -coffee for breakfast and nothing else for hours.
My.appetite has drastically reduced.
I might of gained lately though. I wasn't hungry but overate anyway. Binged on corn chips
I have been overstressed - cortisol high, gotta get me a bunch of tests soon, get serious about losing.
Getting well but with lots of hiccups and hold ups.
I did get through the yoga weekend, but was totally exhausted through it and since.
Lots of levels of hardship throughout.
Also, not so bad. No arguments with my sweetheart.
Just lots of sadness, stress, worry, overwhelm, grief, some tears, too much freezing, sleeping, a little depression, minimal alcohol but still some alcohol :(.
So I'm not super impressed with myself, still, could be worse.
The fact that I did the whole yoga weekend, 36 hours of yoga practice, was still an achievement, even though I slept between classes for most of it.
I did socialize at meals, all super healthy mostly vegan food, and even played a game of doubles table tennis the last night.:p

I've just been.a wreck since.
Still, I did it,
and we had delicious chilli bean and brown rice for dinner. I had a small bowl but had 1/2 seconds and then more seconds.

Progress is hard, but I'm slowly improving..I'm hoping communicating about it helps. I'm inspired by you, @Living in the 70s , Yay for you!:happy: I'm looking forward to that, living in the 70's :joyful:. . I will pluck up the courage in the next couple if my days or so, and weigh myself.
Thanks for this thread @Living in the 70s :joyful:
And for sharing your struggles and your journey!

 

[ninja]

Just some thoughts on anger recently. I get the impression that for some, the anger may need to be transformed before it feels okay to express it. It is okay to have flat out rage, it is also okay to accept it and channel it to use it for something empowering, whatever is empowering for each individual. It becomes something that is mine that can be used in the ways I choose instead of something that symbolizes all that was taken.
(I can use anger to combat some fears that hold me back, as I can get angry not at myself for being afraid but at the fears for holding me back.)
I feel it is important to empower ourselves and each other.

 

[ms spock]

I put on 1.9 kilos this last week, which is not the best. I was so stressed I did too much comfort eating last week, combined with a knee injury, meant that I wasn't as active. It is not the end of the world. It is a lot of weight to put on in a week though. So I will be more mindful.

My partner B is not well, and is not able to take responsibility/is too cognitively challenged/is a mess, and that is very demanding for me.

I am also dealing with a lot of people in real time who also have PTSD, and that I am finding really challenging. This is really hard. I may not be able to have as much contact with some members of my family, that I thought.

 

[ninja]

My friend @Living in the 70s is it possible some of it is water weight? Particularly if you've had more sodium and carbohydrates recently?
I am really hoping that things begin to turn around for B soon as the problems are addressed, and am happy to hear that you are carefully considering what is best for you in modulating the contact with your family as you continue forward. Hoping you can take a few moments just for you.

 

[ms spock]

It could be @NinjaWolf - it could be water weight, sodium & carbohydrates, the number is not the real issue. The issue is the comfort eating, and numbing out. So back to the drawing board, though I am managing better overall now. So I will get there.

 

[mumstheword]

I am 85.5kg at the moment. Although not having a handle on my own self care much in regards to either exercise or mindful eating and food choices, I have been busy inspiring my children to learn to eat well and healthily.
Buying them cook books and trying to share my "foodie" joy with them.
Myself and youngest son are now doing dinner prep together.
Having been so unwell, on the whole before and since my hospital stay, I've not been my best with anything other than basic parenting 101 and attending appointments to help me get the help I need to manage sustainable recovery and stabilization.

But I am pretty good on the whole, I eat a lot of vegetables, coz I like them and my appetite is still much less than it used to be.
I am hoping I get to move this year, so that I can really focus on yoga, walking, dance, NIA and be able to eat more like I want to, as I won't feel compelled to please my guy friend and cook for his needs, rather than my own.
Pleasing others and putting their happiness above my own is a real compulsion and engrained habit of mine, it feels very survival/brain-wiring based.

 

[Teasel]

I've been with weightwatchers online for a month now, sometimes I stick to the rules, sometimes I go awol but I keep trying.
And have lost a stone.

But the really amazing thing for me was today, I have felt satisfied with normal (which to me seem very small indeed) sized portions.

Astonishing.

Weightwatchers seems to naturally guide you to make healthier choices and I guess I'm getting better nutrition. Only thing I can think of to explain being less hungry. Oh and I suppose you get used to eating smaller portions.

Anyway. Pleased!

 

[ms spock]

The portion sizes are still a shock for me @Bearlinda!