ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I am really struggling with not comfort eating today. It is so damn hard. It is soooo hard. It is such a huge change!

 

[ms spock]

So we had some low level conflict in our house last night, which is about as big as it gets for us. But it was hard. I really struggled with eating last night.

I really want to eat food now or run away, or go to sleep. I don't want to live this day. I want to be numb, not be here, or be asleep. So I ate an appropriate amount of food for breakfast, with protein and fresh salad, and I stopped myself from the automatic comfort eating, which for a long time I didn't notice, and I wasn't aware of, except when I put on more weight and went from overweight to obese, and then even more obese. It is funny to write that as I was not connected to it then, and I am shocked that this was/is part of my life now.

I am very unhappy today. I feel troubled today. I feel so vulnerable in so many ways.

 

[ms spock]

So I had lunch early when I wasn't hungry, and I didn't sit with my feelings, so I ate one slice of bread with peanut butter, and another two slices with butter and banana. I knew I didn't need it, but I ate it anyway and stuffed my feelings down. I comfort ate. I have to go to my lesson today, and i haven't practised. I am sick of working so hard and making so little movement forwards. I want to cancel. I felt overwhelmed at what I was asked to do, put it off, and now can't remember it. I set myself up for failure, by not preparing, by not stepping up to the plate, and by procrastinating so much. I am sick of my self. I am feeling weepy. I feel upset. I don't want to have to work so hard all the time. My hips is contracted. I am very upset. I feel so lonely and disconnected, and that is despite having contact with three people this morning B, C and T! I just feel so poorly.

 

[ms spock]

Comfort eating last night - zero points foods - so grated apple, banana and yoghurt - so much better than sugary foods, but the goal is to get to feel some of the feelings. I did feel feelings yesterday and I had a melt down, but I still went to my music lesson, as I am doing so little in my daily life, I really can't cancel the very few things that I actually do.

 

[ms spock]

I am eating again, and I have lost the plot. I came home and immediately started to comfort eat. I have lost it. I am really triggered. An old thread of my has destabilised me. I am going offline for a bit.

 

[ms spock]

I have been struggling with comfort eating, or wanting to eat for the last three days but I am being mindful of my weight watchers points. I am immensely distressed.

So I have cracked the teeth on the right side of my jaw. It is one of my extant problems that I am not present enough to realise that I need to check in and take care of my body. It is a real disadvantage not to have a connection with your own body.

I have been in so much pain these last three weeks, and I have done real physical damage to myself.

I feel like I am a really stupid person who cannot trust myself.

How can I do things in the world when I am not grounded enough to be present in my own body?

I have been listened to two Brain over Binge podcasts. One was podcast 39 and the other one was the beginning of the first one.

 

[ms spock]

I am being too hard on myself once again. I did eat a little bit two much last night, but I wasn't left over full, stuffed and numb. I could still feel my tummy rumbling and processing food. I am so harsh with myself.

Eating reasonably is really important for me as well, and I am not sure what that is yet, and sometimes I am too harsh and restrictive with myself.

I had dental surgery yesterday, and will have it tomorrow most likely as well.

I am enjoying the below podcasts.
http://brainoverbinge.com/1-introducing-the-brain-over-binge-podcast/
http://brainoverbinge.com/episode-2-cause-binge-eating-urges-binge/
http://brainoverbinge.com/episode-3-lower-higher-brain/
Episode 4: Dismiss Urges to Binge: Component 1 (View Urges to Binge as Neurological Junk) | Brain over Binge

Eating reasonably is really important for me as well, and I am not sure what that is yet, and I am too harsh and controlling towards myself.

 

[ms spock]

My whole teeth situation is not the best. I am on painkillers, and antibiotics - penicillian - so I had a temporary filling yesterday, small amount of surgery, they had to remove the broken tooth, it is split the whole way through.

I was quite distraught at one point. I cried for half an hour. Connecting to myself is hideous, but with practise and learning self compassion and loving kindness it will not be as horrifying for me. I am not at home with my chaotic and abusive parents.

It is infected, not going that well. Not as distressed as I was, very physically unwell. I feel very grateful to have access to antibiotics, Western medicine, and a partner who can lend me the money to get it all fixed, as I have ongoing TMJ issues, as well as chronic pain, to lose the tooth entirely would make things more challenging in terms of chronic pain.

I am not doing the best with my eating, but I am also not out of control, or really out there with my eating. So it is all improvement, despite the difficult situation.

 

[ms spock]

On two courses antibiotics now, not well, eating more to line my stomach.

 

[ms spock]

I put on 2.9 kilos of weight, I did a bit too much comfort eating. I am not angry with myself. It is what it is. I will improve.

I listened to a bit of this Episode 1: Introducing the Brain over Binge Podcast: A Simple Plan to Stop Binge Eating | Brain over Binge

Surgery starts tomorrow.

 

[mumstheword]

Good lack with the surgery @Living in the 70s , I hope it goes smoothly!
I'm glad you aren't too worried about the weight gain.

I am steadily losing and I even had a triggering event, last night; my abusive mother texted me to tell me my (allegedly) even more abusive grandmother just passed away . I never had a relationship with my grandmother and cut ties with my mother last year.

I didn't overeat! I didn't eat chocolate! I drank a very moderate amount of organic red wine, that was all. I am making lots of progress too!

I will post here, when I, too, get to the 70's.

Thank you so.much for the updates that inspire me and help me combat the shame that has fuelled this part of my disorder for so many years! :)

 

[ms spock]

That is totally magnificent that you didn't eat after your abusive Mother's text about the death of your abusive grandmother. I am so proud of you. That is an epic response to the situation! What an achievement. I understand how big that is.

Thanks @mumstheword surgery today, prepared as I can be, and I have done adult things like got all my medical files to the one place.

The shame thing is so huge, and I am starting to understand it a little bit more, I am so glad that it has been of a small solace for you.