ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I am feeling feelings though now, not a fan. But it is progress!

 

[ms spock]

I lost my shit and did some binge eating last night.

I went to a Buddhist talk and the speaker dismissed sexual abuse and abuse of children as a rare and uncommon thing, and that is despite all of what I told them in the meeting, of sexual abuse being 1 in 4 in Australia.

The speaker also talked about how a woman being beaten in this life was the man who beat a woman in the last life, and talked about how it is common in Japan that men beat their wives, which was just pure Chinese racism.

Anyway I was triggered by that and I lost my shit, and I ate and ate. I am in a really bad way today. I did get comfort and soothing from my partner, and then I did an 9 minute Radical Acceptance meditation. I don't really need to eat today, as I over did it today, but I will have some small bites to eat.

I have been pressuring myself to not eat at night. I was doing a little bit of comfort eating a banana, or a couple of things, and the pressure on myself was too hard, and I really thought about not eating yesterday, and I really lost it last night. The whole Buddhist shit really didn't help though. The tackling the mind stuff is useful but a lot of isn't, and the thing with the sexist, bully, man really has been pressing my buttons. I went to study group yesterday but it was cancelled. I have been thinking of calling the Suicide Call Back Line as two days I work with the thoughts of that I should stab myself to death in the stomach, so this is all too much stress for me. I was going to teach the meditation class for Australian children, but I don't think I am up for it.

 

[ninja]

Well then. That is some first rate head-in-the-sand right there.
Standing with you. With kindness. Take excellent care. :hug::hug:

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @NinjaWolf I am realising how hard that I am on myself, and how I really need to ease up so much, but beating myself up about it all is not really that useful. I am not doing so well with my eating at times, but at times I am doing okay. I am making better choices overall. I am much more aware of how many points say a Kit Kat has or other types of foods have, so I am more mindful of my eating.

 

[ms spock]

I decided to comfort eat whilst I was doing my teacher's registration, I just had to start getting it done. Obviously I need to work on this, but this was the best that I could do right now. Not the best, but not the worst.

I did binge eat last night. I chose not to do it with a Kit Kat etc, I did it with yoghurt pancakes, vegetable soup and healthy stuff, then I realised I was hungry and that if I had fed myself properly I wouldn't have felt like doing it. So learning how to feed my self three healthy meals per day is still something to learn.

So that is three nights this week with binge eating. The underlying trigger is my warning the Buddhists about a man that is not safe for children and being ignored. And the backlash from that.

 

[ninja]

I am very sorry about the situation with the Buddhists and the man; I send my thoughts.

You are doing so well. You realized you felt hungry; you are learning how to recognize your hunger cues and adapt as needed to meet your needs. You are doing it. That is a remarkable change you've made.

 

[ms spock]

I did binge eating today. It was a stressful TV series that set me off, which is ridiculous.

I have been challenging my states of mind. Yesterday I asked myself "Is that useful?" Or "Is that productive?" And I had to do it again and again and again and again. It was hard but worthwhile.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @NinjaWolf I think it is time to write a brief email saying it is not ethical for me to teach meditation in an organisation which doesn't have adequate child protection. It would me be lying that it was a safe place with adequate awareness of the issues.

I comfort ate this morning, pretty close to going over into binging and I did it consciously as I really can't imagine how I will manage the stress of the next couple of days. Then people came and two of the rooms of the house have now been done, so I ended up doing heaps of physical work which was good.

I need to cook, better, more wholesome meals, but most of all I need to get off my own back of beating up on myself so much so much of the time.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Yes, you do need to "get off your back." :) You are doing exceedingly well and have covered a great deal of ground since you started this thread. Your insights and progress, and how you are handling stressor after stressor of late is inspiring. Your resiliency and strength are demonstrably evident. I hope you are proud of yourself as you deserve a huge amount of kudos!

Please know that with disordered eating, there will be a step forward/step backward/step sideways path for awhile. I think you know this, but I'm just putting it out here as a reminder. It's about the long haul. Also, ED recovery is anything but linear. Trust me. Please give yourself credit for your accomplishments, your strength and tenacity, and for being mindful of what's going on around you and not going headlong into a spiral. You are doing great work in supporting yourself and in working on recovery. Best to you. VB

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @VioletButterfly it is quite a journey.

I resisted comfort eating when I went out today, it was a challenge but I did it. I came home and had vegetable soup, and added some broccoli, peas and beans, and they were really hot and it was a great lunch.

 

[ms spock]

So I am not doing well I am comfort eating, and it was a choice I made, as I am very anxious over the arrival of my sister tomorrow, and the wedding the following day. I am stressed.

Episode 45: Trauma, Depression, and Binge Eating Recovery (Interview with Maria Marklove) | Brain over Binge

 

[ms spock]

I have comfort ate/binge ate 5/7 days this week. Last night I ate a lot of chocolate and it really didn't do anything for me. Eating healthier foods is way better, and I will stop beating myself up for that. The wedding is tomorrow. My sister and her partner arrive today. I had nightmares of trying to kill my Mother last night, again and again I tried to kill her.

I am not doing so well with my eating but I am trying to do huge things for me deal with family/get married/register as a teacher/get the house fixed up/look after my partner and his cognitive deficits. I have been trying to be more here and I am feeling very less than, anxious, bad, and it is really hard, so I have been reflexively seeking food. There have been times where I have resisted it. So both good and not so good.