ED Disordered eating

[hopefully optimistic]

I’ve been seeing a therapist, dietician and psych for the past 7 months (the same dietician throughout the 7 months...switched therapists early on, and just gained the psych doc about 5 months ago). I’ve definitely made gains, but the past two weeks I have had such high anxiety, awful sleep, and have barely eaten. My dietician today said that she’s going to recommend I go the next level up in care. Honestly, I get where she’s coming from and she’s covering her ass, but I have neither the funds nor the desire to do any sort of inpatient program. Makes me want to quit everything. Sorry, just needed to vent and this looked like the most appropriate thread.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Living in the 70s - Thank you for your kindness. I'm sorry I crashed your thread last night, I just was feeling at the end of my rope. I have worked so hard for so many years to find healing and get to a better place, but life has continued to throw one stressor/trauma after another at me. I'm exhausted and feel mired in the traumas to the point where I can't see a way out. I have one light in my life and that is my faith, and all I seem to do is to ask God to bring me home.

Like you, I have avoidance on board. I also have hopeless and helplessness, and thoughts of why try anymore, nothing is going to work out, there will just be more and more harm and hurt. I've tried every tactic, distraction, self-care endeavor, compassion/kindness/patience toward myself, and I still come back to a feeling of "what's the point" in this. Then comes worthlessness, failure, shame, guilt, and the litany of other words I aim at myself because they seem appropriate. Last but not least. the never/ever/forever lies that seem to corral the rest of the distorted thinking. I'm not even sure it's distorted anymore; maybe its all true.

So, that's kind of where I'm at. I wrote a lot today and thought a lot about what I wrote and what you wrote. I've considered reapplying what I've done before, but efforts are being drowned out right now by my thinking. ED just seems to be the most outstanding symptom at this time that I can try to work on to help myself feel and think better. I'm dreadfully unhealthy, have no clothes that fit, have no job, have no community - just a lot of drama whenever I try to help myself.

I don't know what to do at this point. I'm putting a gratitude journal out on my forum, but when I read back through it today, I couldn't relate to who wrote it. It's not dissociative, I think it's dissonance. I feel kind of scattered and unfocused; definitely hypervigilant and probably right so given what I've had going on for so long.

If you have any suggestions, I'd be grateful for them. I don't want to take away from your healing though and don't want to hijack your thread, so I'll leave it in your court.

I hope you've had a good day in regards to your eating plan and in your healing work. It truly is inspiring; always has been since I joined the board. Tks. VB

 

[ms spock]

You can talk in this thread any time you want @VioletButterfly.

Have you got a copy of David Burns' book? It is called "Feeling Good". If you want to start reading it I can read along and discuss it with you. It is a really important book.

 

[ms spock]

I am not doing well with eating today. We went to the funeral. I comfort ate beforehand, and I comfort ate a little bit there as well.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Better a little comfort eating than a lot though. At least you are present and aware. I hope you had a better day today. I hope you are showing yourself a lot of compassion and kindness. Slip-ups are common in the ED community. It's staying the course and not going all in that seems to count, from what I've read.

As for me, I ordered the David Burns book from my library. It'll take a few days as it's going to come from another branch. I'm not good with reading as I can't focus so well these days, but I am going to try. I'm paring it with an Al-Anon book, Courage to Change, and my devotional. I've been flagging with the latter two and I know they help. I'm just so lost right now.

I've had a rough day, but did manage to be present with myself for breakfast and lunch, and took part of my supplements. I worked through the day as best I could and managed to text with someone I know. We're gong to get coffee tomorrow morning. :)

Sweet dreams. VB

 

[ms spock]

Makes me want to quit everything. Sorry, just needed to vent and this looked like the most appropriate thread.

I hope that you are hanging in there. It is hard when it is tough.

Better a little comfort eating than a lot though. At least you are present and aware.

That is true.

I hope you are showing yourself a lot of compassion and kindness. Slip-ups are common in the ED community. It's staying the course and not going all in that seems to count, from what I've read.

That is true. I went even worse for a few days and now I am back on track.

As for me, I ordered the David Burns book from my library. It'll take a few days as it's going to come from another branch. I'm not good with reading as I can't focus so well these days, but I am going to try.

Even a couple of pages a day makes a difference.

I'm paring it with an Al-Anon book, Courage to Change, and my devotional. I've been flagging with the latter two and I know they help.

It is great that you have those resources.

I'm just so lost right now.

That is not easy.

I've had a rough day, but did manage to be present with myself for breakfast and lunch, and took part of my supplements.

That is really good.

I worked through the day as best I could and managed to text with someone I know. We're gong to get coffee tomorrow morning. :)

That is great!

Sweet dreams. VB

Good luck!

 

[ms spock]

So I choose to comfort eat on Sunday and Saturday, as a way of managing being at a two day teacher's conference, so I really saw how I was doing fine but beating myself up way too much. I didn't do that well for a couple of days, but it goes to show me how much I am beating up myself. I was doing okay. I was doing okay. But I couldn't connect with that. I was doing okay but I still can't ease up on myself.

I was immensely distressed on Saturday afternoon. I needed to have comforted myself, but I wasn't able to do that. I reached out for support, and it wasn't forthcoming.

 

[ms spock]

I did well yesterday and then lost it a bit last night. But it wasn't too bad. I went over my points but I didn't binge. Overall I am doing better.

 

[ms spock]

I made some good food choices today. I am doing better. I didn't order lunch when we were out as it wasn't very nice, and I bought a fresh bread roll on the way home to have a lovely lunch when I got home.

 

[ms spock]

Not doing so well again, but it is a fluctuating thing. I think I need to make better life choices, and the choices around food won't be so important. I need to step up to the plate more.

 

[ms spock]

Eating is challenging when it has been so interlaced with trauma.

So yesterday I went way over my points I had ice cream as well as fish and chips. That is neither here nor there, best really to have one or the other. It is important to enjoy myself as well.

I really have to ease off on my attacks and harshness on myself. It is hard, because anything I do I tend to turn it in on myself to harass myself. So I was doing fine with my eating, sure it was needing some fine tuning but it wasn't that bad. I was doing well and I was obsessing over things. I just keep obsessing over things.

This week I have not done as well, but really it is no big deal either. I am trying to change all my behaviours to a whole new level of operating and it is understandable that things will be wobbly at times. I am still comfort eating a bit at times.

I decided not to graze for three hours yesterday, and I did stick with that, which was great.

I may be over focusing on my eating to avoid other things. In fact I know that I am stressing and obsessing about somethings to avoid doing other things.

Eating is an important ongoing skill to work on, but I don't need it as a bit stick to beat myself. I have put on a couple of kilos, but they will come off again, and gradually I will get better and better. I still have to work on nurturing myself so I don't turn to food for solace. And I am doing that a bit better.

I go into those cycles of ruminating, maladaptive daydreaming and obsessing about things, and it is not useful, I need to not focus on that but actually just get on and do things. I am scared and struggling with taking the next step.

 

[ms spock]

So this is hard, but I am doing it. I now accept that my eating will fluctuate whenever I am attempting to integrate new living skills or ways of being into my life. I am not focusing on this as much as I was because it can be an excuse not to move forward, and to use it as a way to beat myself up. I will never be perfect with my eating, no one is. I did slip a bit this week, and I went for more the comfort side of things rather than actually being a bit more present. On the other hand I have pushed myself further along in my life journey rather than just endlessly procrastinating or ruminating, so a huge bit change.