Dissociation : Accept Ptsd. Deal With The Pain

[xraydave]

This is my third thread on this forum so far. I suffer from dissociative subtype of PTSD. I'm sure you are all already aware of this.

I've recently had an epiphany, about my PTSD. I noticed I would never think about it when I am outside and in the world. Likewise, I never would label myself 'PTSD'. I would have a problem with that, and as a result, I suffered through a lot of pain. I could feel it all over me, like a reexperiencing 'stabbing pain' in my chest.

I thought I was going crazy or had autism, or was going into full blown psychoses. It's like 'I wasnt really here' because I didnt have the incentive to even want to be here - there was too much pain here. I could barely read the posts on this website, and I could barely speak with people while paying attention to the fact that I was a present person right here, right now. It felt like there were too many people who were 'at my neck' to even cope with this.

Then I realized I was triggered by a housemate and problems with housemates, and that made me more withdrawn, because it all brings back memories of domestic abuse in the family. Must be their personalities, could also be just something very peculiar like 'lighting' being the same. It really only matters, as far as making a link, and understanding that my memories of abuse are far more worse and are the reason for the problem I am now experiencing - as I have detailed throughout posts on this subforum so far. (Where I think I have all these disorders and have no way to get out of this 'downward spiral')

I was severely depersonalized, and my 'coping thoughts' which were aimed at me being different or disordered somehow - and telling myself, ways to 'cope' with my problems -over and over again, repetitively in my head - did not help the pain. It just helped momentarily allow me to stay on my feet - but there was so much tension, so much hatred and so much depersonlization that i could barely even think in a straight line - some of you may know what I mean. Some of you don't.

I just want to talk to people about what they think - do you have problems with dissociation, where the pain around you and the hypervigiliance is soo much that you can barely even get yourself back to being 'aware' of the fact that this is ALL PTSD-related, or even, that this is ALL dissociative?. Likewise, Do you blame other sources for the PTSD-related issues, and hence scapegoat acceptance of PTSD, like I did with Autism or Epilepsy? (Either two epilepsy or autism - cannot necessarily be 'treated' especially not in my life right now --> this is why thinking about either would lead to a negative feedback loop which would distance friends etc)

 

[xraydave]

Adding to all of this, I am sick of being ashamed of this illness. I want to wear it, I want to remind myself I have it. I want to know how it applies in my life. Physically and psychically. It has to be more than just this - this can't be the end of the road.

 

[MariusNiemiec]

Sometimes it is the end of the road. But you know sometines at the end of that road is a new beginning.

 

[Bloomy]

To accept ptsd is not the end of the road, but as Marius says above here the begining. I also thought of autsim and other related. I dont wear my ptsd in daily life. I seem like a normal function person. Exept with health workers that triggers my ptds buttons.

Porfessionals Ive talked with in the past potrays ptsd as a life long sentence. This made me very depressed. Like - Ill never get out of this jail? Ill always be left with no choise of my triggers, dissociation and such due to earlier traumas?

Now thanks God I know otherwise. There is something called ptsd growth. First to accept to consequence of trauma and that it was not your fault. Ots something put upon you buy others. Then seek knowledge of what exactly it contains regarding fysical as well as mental issues. Then work on yourself with the goal to heal in mind.

 

[xraydave]

To accept ptsd is not the end of the road, but as Marius says above here the begining. I also thought of...

I have encountered such professionals too. This is something that motivates me toward taking up psychology, so at least people suffering can hear stuff that works, rather than what 'should work'. I disagree that PTSD is a lifelong jail like sentence - for a sufferer, it could be liberation to know that the PTSD label, is a cue* which initiates the observation of one's behaviours and how that affects them from outside themselves.

I am sick of not talking to people and withdrawing my opinions out of fear of how i will be received or how it will end, i like being here and now, and when i have the courage to accept that i have this problem (PTSD), then , for some reason, I notice how all my withdrawing etc comes from the same sources, and how I can exculpate myself from feeling guilty and just worthless - and in pain. I can't punish myself forever.

I'm glad to hear everyone, * on this forum, especially how you are able to sympathize so greatly with what I have to say.

 

[Bloomy]

I thought of the other day - yet again trying to get some assistance in my healing process and yet again not suceeding - that admitting to have an issue puts me outside of society. On the lower range of a person that can not do anything. And I thoguht of how tired I am of all this bullshit. How health workers neglect all my ressources, all Ive accomplished til now especially despite my background. Im so sick of them not aiding me to look at possibilities, but instead present all the hinders and problems. All I want all I need is help to learn how to fly. Instead the whole trauma issue seems to be my entire responsibility alone.

I cheer on you for accomplishing studies in psykology. I belive the world is in dire need of people who want to help and aid people to grow and flourish. There is enough of those that want to bury one deep down under ground in their problems not to overrcome and learn how to be.

 

[Adrian2016]

I too am having a very hard time accepting my diagnosis...there is so much I can't remember and there are so many questions and so few answers...adding to this is the fact I've been diagnosed everything over the past 10 years...bipolar, panic disorder, depression, etc.....none of those ever seemed to fit quite right, It was almost like the only reason I felt sick was because they told me I was sick....even though i know that I probably do have PTSD, because of my life and all the bad things...and all my symptoms...and my diagnosis...i still think sometimes that its all a lie propagated by the healthcare system and my own sick mind

 

[selfcompassion]

I had to diagnose myself initially. It was a relief to come across something that finally made sense. I read, Peter Walker's, Complex PTSD, How to Survive and Thrive". It resonated with me. It gave me hope.
I came to accept my healing was completely up to me and me alone. I took the perspective that, my therapist, DBT, reading, EMDR, neurofeedback, Tom Stone Technigues, family system's therapy, journaling, yoga, meditation, medication, and everything else I've done, as tools.
It has been a daunting task taking complete responsibility for my mental health, my life, the quality of my relationships. Some days I am better at it than others. Some days it takes everything I have to sit quietly with myself and just allow all the feelings to surface and ride them out. Some days I have to force myself to get out, do something for myself, reach out, socialize. I have learned not to judge myself, and to be kind to myself during the entire process. This has become key.
I tap into all the repressed feelings or just accept them when they pop up. Then I just "feel". This was scary at first. I didn't want to get sucked into the trauma vortex. It was a skill I had to learn, especially when the feelings would hit like waves. They felt huge and endless. I learned it was a child part of me who felt small, helpless, and had no concept of time, that I was allowing to feel years of repressed trauma, grief, and depression. I honor these parts by letting them finally be able to feel and treated kindly by my true adult self.
I wouldn't have it any other way. I've earned this privledge. I am at the helm of healing. I am in charge. I am worth it.

 

[Bloomy]

@selfcompassion thanks - just what I needed to hear right now - self responsiblity and hope.