Relationship Dissociation Hurts So Bad....what To Do?

[HEART BROKEN]

Who is this stranger?? He stopped wearing his wedding band. I am physically sick over this.

My husband of 7 years (PTSD surfaced 5 years ago) has completely dissociated from me. He is numb. He has no feeling toward me, good or bad. Has completely ignored me for the last two weeks - since the time I was able to get him back in to therapy following stressor triggers, a depressive state and withdrawing. The closer I try to get, the further he shut me out. He looked me in the face and said he feels nothing towards me, nor has anything to say and that even if he could get himself to feel better, he can't say he would feel better with me.

I have given him till Friday to make a decision on moving out - we have a house, six kids, and full time jobs. I am angry. I am hurt. I just cry.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

My head is spinning...just thinking about school starting this week for the kids, sports schedules/activities begin, next weekend is our oldest's family baby shower party that I'm doing the most for. So much to do. So much to arrange. Support needed, but not getting. He hasn't done anything with the kids or the house in quite some time. It is all on me. So much pressure. Feel so unstable. So unsure of things. So confused. So hopeless.

 

[Renagade Therapist]

Please do not make any decisions right now...this is HIS issue but you need help for this yourself. I would find a good therapist for yourself and especially try an Al-Anon or CoDa or some type of meeting that focuses on dealing with codependency and loved ones who have problems, doesn't matter if they are chemical or emotional, you need to learn how to take care of you, detach from his stuff, stop focusing on what he is going to do next and get your power back!!

 

[desiderata310]

Stop.
Seriously. I was like that for the first 5 or 6 months of therapy. Brain had gone into protection state. My guess is that he has done something similar. Most likely this is not about you and the more demanding you are of him to reassure him the more he is going to withdrawal. He has nothing to offer anyone right now because it's all he can do to keep treading water.

Don't worry about him not wearing it. Go talk to a therapist about this on your own for you.
Don't ignore him, but focus on what you have to do to take care of kids etc.
Depression is a serious bitch and if you add PTSD to the mix it makes for a highly debilitating cocktail. Don't drink it. He's swimming in it right now. Best thing you can do: tell him you are still there and take extra good care of yourself. Not sure if they will talk to you but you can voice your concerns to his therapist- don't expect much because of confidentiality rules.

Seriously, go talk to someone yourself and take care of you because you are his care taker too right now. And today, go do something RIGHT NOW ASAP for you. pawn the kids off on a friend, (beg borrow whatever) and go do something that makes you extraordinarily happy with a friend or solo. don't argue. It's important and it's self preservation. You sound like you need the break.

Take a break, and this afternoon get your own therapist.

He's lucky: he has someone there to help him through this. I'm solo and almost completely self destructed.

And keep posting.

 

[darrenS]

i went through a similar thing with my marriage of 16 years , my ptsd really flared up and i become despondent and disassociated. I become verbally abusive each time i had a flash back and in a period of clarity decided to end the marriage. I could actually see what was happening to my family and could no longer forgive myself. Its a horrible condition to have , but in reality , i would suggest setting clear boundaries and nothing else, it is very important you look after yourself. If your partner is in therapy great, if he is not i would suggest that you use this to start setting boundaries. PTSD is real , but so is the damage a sufferer can cause to those around them. I feel your pain and confusion and truly hope you get the space to clearly see where you want to go

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Thank you for the replies. I do see a therapist weekly, have been. Got him to see someone else since he felt my therapist, whom he used to see, had taken my side of things as a woman a while back. We've seen a new one (a male) twice so far, just for the intake - each of us are supposed to see him separately this week. My therapist referred us to him. He has a different approach and is gentle with my husband. My husband initially said he didn't want to focus on the trauma, but instead us, however now says all he can do is deal with the trauma and can't even think about us and our relationship.

It's so confusing to write out. He really needs to deal with the trauma, but his psyche can't handle it. I thought I could help - but walked right into that mistake again :banghead: it's like dealing with a two headed monster :confused:

 

[desiderata310]

And he's right.
He needs to deal with the trauma but he needs to stabilize first and get to a place where he is comfortable with his therapist. It sounds bizarre but think of it like this: trauma is a huge 3000 piece puzzle of a Jackson Pollock painting (google: Number 1, 1949). Before you can even THINK about putting anything together you need to find the edges. Following me?

So, he needs to find the edges: that is, he needs to find a way to feel safe in his own skin and that means finding a way to get out of his dissociative state, too. I know you want to jump in and start handing him pieces but really, he just needs to work on the sides and if you can occasionally say, hey, ya know, I think this goes there, that's great. Otherwise it just frustrates the whole thing.

Like I said, I've been at this now for... 9 months. I've finally got most of the edges lined out: for me, that means I don't have flashbacks in sessions, my nightmares are lessened, etc. I am not cured but I am not in a CONSTANT state of hyper-arousal.

So, yeah, I'm glad he's seeing someone for HIM. He needs to work on his head first. Once that is going good, things will also start looking up because he can occasionally look up from the frustration of looking for that little blue paint splatter's match and see that you might be holding a couple of pieces that look similar to what he's holding.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

How can I look at him without getting upset? Without crying for him or for me?

How can he continue talking and taking advise from others, yet pushes the closest person away from him?

It is bizarre to hear him talking so well adjusted on the phone to others, getting through his work day managing people, yet can't stand to look at me or even talk to me?

I'm sorry for the pity party today, just feeling hopeless and alone ..... :cry:

 

[desiderata310]

No, I totally get it.

I don't have all the answers but I know that you need to get out of your house and go do something distracting because it sounds like you aren't connecting with other people. Six kids? I'm guessing you are a SAHM? It also sounds like you are doing a lot of living for others and care taking of others and no one is taking care of you.

So really, this is becoming the most important thing you can do. And really, it's showing him that he needs to do the same. Lead by example. Ask for an extra day a week at therapy. Take some time to rediscover who you are without him and without the kids. Don't let him and his PTSD define you. Is it hard? yep but you will be stronger and happier if you take the time to do it.

What makes you happy outside those 7 people?

 

[HEART BROKEN]

2 each from of our first marriages and 2 together = 6
Oldest is 22y (and pregnant, but in a stable relationship and on her own), youngest is 4 y.
3 in the house all the time.
I don't even know what makes me happy anymore??? But thank you for the encouragement, will take some time to figure it out.

 

[desiderata310]

Yep. I get that. I think at this junction that is going to be important. Find you again. It's important regardless of what happens with your husband. Your kids will thank you in the long run.
A happy mom makes for a happy family.
I started running and doing triathlons. (yeah, I was a sedentary smoker) but it gave me goals and something that was all mine. It also helps me with the PTSD.

It doesn't have to be something like that though: Painting, writing, helping at a homeless shelter, skydiving, zumba, yoga, going back to school, photography, etc etc etc

And yeah, three in the house? You're still the ever present care giver.
let us know how it goes.

 

[blackswan]

When Boyfriend is overwhelmed his emotions shut down, and the good ones (like love) get turned off just as much as the bad ones (fear, panic, grief, dread etc). He can't look at me and can barely talk to me in this state and it's because he has strong feelings about me (which push to break down the barrier), not because he doesn't care. The good feelings are still in there though :) they're just hiding from the storm.

That said, although I understand, it's still horrible. It's horrible missing the person you love while still sharing a bed and living in the same house. It's horrible not being able to share your life with your partner when they're just... over... there... but so far away. I cry a lot at these times, they're heartbreaking. I try to keep it away from Boyfriend though, he's overwhelmed enough and I know we will reconnect and regroup on the other side when he's back on his feet :)

Your description makes it sound like this is the first time he's gone through something like this, is that correct? The first one is the hardest for sure :( you'll figure out how to look after yourself best during these times though, and it will pass. Just gotta find the ways to get through to the other side intact!