Do I Dissociate By Choice And Has Dissociation When I Was Little Shut Off My Feelings Forever?

[Teddy]

Hi all,
Thanks for all the posts. I am having a heap of this stuff happening to me and it frightens me so much. I don't 'feel' anything any more. I used to feel the world and now I couldn't care less. I am aware of the changes but can't seem to change them back. I have been in therapy for ages and it just doesn't seem to get me far.
Can I ask, do any of you work full time? I run my own business and it is falling apart as I just don't care about it either. I am responsible for paying the family accounts and for the first time in my life I haven't and I don't seem to care enough to do anything about it. This is so unlike me. Usually so up with all the important things and now they are all going to the garbage. And again I couldn't care.
I seem to disasociate all day every day. I feel rolling anxiety attacks and can't explain why they are happening and for that matter, don't care.....
I am on antidepresants but I don't think they are working. I have been told this one is to stop the anxiety and yet I have noticed no difference at all. Do you think that the pills might play a role in this stuff? Could changing my meds help lessen the 'episodes'?
I live in Australia.
Thanks

 

[Brontie]

221177,

I agree that keeping things simple helps. I found the more we struggle against it the harder it is to deal with. I found going with the flow helpful. I think things tend to get worse during therapy because we are so aware of what's happening and yet at the same time being more aware means we can do what needs to be done to simplify our lives.


Lucycat,

Don't beat yourself up too much for the amount of sleep you have. Sleep can be very healing to the mind and the body. One of my first stays in hospital we were woken up early and had to go for breakfast, it was all such a struggle. One of my later hospital stays we were left to rest and it was so much more helpful. A nurse popped her head in and told me she was just checking that I was okay. What a difference that made.


Teddy,

Fighting against it seems to make it worse. I found that relaxing and going with the flow helped alleviate some of the more distressing symptoms. It was all about finding out just what was going on and why and then taking really good care of myself and just go with it recognising that it was part of the healing process as in 'it has to get worse before it can get better'. Staying calm seems to help. The more upset we get with what is going on the worse the symptoms seem to be.

I don't work anymore, I'm on disability. It must be so very difficult to run a business and deal with these health issues. I crashed and ended up in hospital and my doctor helped me fill in a form for disability. The pressure of work was too much.

That's what I found with antidepressants, they take the 'urgency' out of paying bills and staying on top of things. I think trying a different one might help.

 

[Lucycat]

I work full time.

I can't say that it is easy, but I have always enjoyed my work and would be sad to give it up. It is in Health Care, and I am employed by the NHS but my immediate line Manager has no inkling of my CPTSD diagnosis or the health issues I struggle with. I am hoping to keep it this way.

If it were not for my T. who is very accommodating and enables me to have appointments with him without having to find excuses at work, and my very supportive husband I would not be working.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Monkey,

I think it can actually be useful as it can tell you when there is something very emotionally charged in that area. I find the less I ruminate or worry about what is happening then the more I can come out.
Look up grounding excerces as they can be useful.
Look for threee different colours and say them out load. Feel where your body connects to the chair/ground. Move and look around.

Remember that dissociation is nothing to be ashamed of. It is merely a coping mechanism and you can learn to deal with it

 

[Powder]

I don't function very well on medication. I'd rather stay off them. But they can help some people. If therapy and meds started at the same time, it's hard to say which is at the heart of dredging this up for you. Just please don't quit anything cold turkey. You have to plan it and do it with support.

 

[221177]

Hi Elisa,
Its good to hear from somebody else who really understands.

Hi Lucy, I'm in the UK also - Surrey based.

And yes sleep.. god sleep is divine... :) x

 

[Teddy]

How I would love to sleep. I would sleep all day if I didn't have to get up to work.
My T has been trying to get me to go to hospital for years but as I support the family and the mortgage etc, I can't. The cost to the family is too great. The responsibility with that is half the problem some days. There is just no break.
I would love to go some where that I didn't have to argue with teenagers to get the dishes done or the dirty washing put out to wash. Where I didn't have to work out how to cook a potato. (Do you know how stressed I get when I can't even remember how to cook a potato??) Talk about disconnect.
I am coming off the meds slowly and yesterday was the first day I missed but took one tonight as the head spins are too much to go cold turkey. Just shows how much they do to you...
Australia doesn't have much hospital support for PTSD so it is hard to find over here any way. Probably just as well.
Today I feel too connected. Have had moments of feeling like I have to hang onto the feelings before they disappear but I am trying the mindfulness as talked about.
Please keep up the suggestions. I can do with some help right now. I am starting to feel very desperate....
Thanks everyone

 

[Powder]

Hi Teddy,

You can't wean off the meds too slowly; plan to do it over two or three maybe four weeks. And even when you wean off so slowly, the time when you are completely off, the second or third day off all meds, is when the fever and dizziness can be the worst. And you may not feel like doing much for a day or so. So I'd plan it to be over a weekend so you can get some rest. Have the kids get pizza delivered, etc.

But I felt pretty good after a few days off completely. Slowly went back to normal. Hope it works like that for you, too. Strongly suggest to keep going with any Therapy you can or even get a new one if the old one is not working.

Also, if you feel too bad off of it all, think about just finding the right dose or changing meds. The only, only, only thing that did anything for me was the lowest dose possible of Floxetine/Prozac. This one is supposed to be activating, so usually used for anxiety, but hey, I didn't have anxiety on Prozac, so go figure. :p I am on nothing now since I hate the side effects of Prozac, but I'd try a short round on it again if need be. A low dose, I think 10 mg/day, is easy to just take when you need it and drop without any withdrawl as you want.

This is just what worked for me, but obviously, I am not recommending it to you because I am not qualified, so just think about what options your doctor gives you and realize that there are many options other than all or nothing.

Hope you find what works for you sooner rather than later. Let us know how we can help!

 

[Brontie]

Teddy,

I struggled for a long time before I found things that worked and people that were helpful. I'm in UK so things are different here in that we don't pay for hospital stays. I know how expensive treatment can be outside the UK.

I don't mean to make light of anyone's struggle, I can only post from my own experiences. And I understand that what seems to come quite easily to one person, and work for them, may not come so easily to another person.

I've been on many health discussion boards and I do feel for people in other countries struggling just to pay for meds. And I do appreciate how lucky I am to have found the help I needed. I kept so much of the struggle to myself for a long time and that resulted in some serious delay in being diagnosed and treated.

As for the rest and sleep thing… I know it's not an easy thing to do - step out of your life for a couple of weeks in order to have some much needed rest - but it was my saving grace. I had struggled my whole life from childhood to being married to a soldier and bringing up three children - just life. Right? - But with very little sleep and stress building constantly day by day, and depression on top, something was getting ready to give.

I was headed for the mental ward. I didn't realise it but thankfully someone did and I was left alone for around two weeks - even hubby was discouraged from visit for the first week. I hope you can find some way to have some me time away from family and stress. If nothing else, maybe a long walk somewhere nice - just to gather yourself. It’s not selfish, it’s self-awareness. When we take care of ourselves we can better take care of others.

 

[Teddy]

You know I think just coming on here and hearing that some one actually hears me and gives a damn enough to write something back is just as good a therapy as anything I have done in the last 17 years. I feel heard. I feel understood.

I have asked twice to be taken off the drug I am on now and put back onto prozac. It has been the only one that seemed to help in the past. I am starting to think my GP gets a kick back from the tablet company for having me on these tablets. I am going to come off them, have told my therapist, and then if the GP won't change them I am going to go to a different doctor. I reckon after 17 years of being on pills and not being on pills, and being able to look after a family and run a business then surely I have enough sense to know if these pills are working or not???

The time off is definately needed and it is becoming all the more clearer as I travel along.
My husband has just started a new job this week so hopefully that will be a permanent thing soon and he can earn some much needed money to help with the bills.
My work is starting to pick up too so hopefully that will mean some money to get the bills paid. (I am missing payments on the house for the first time in my life so it is getting very desperate around here.)
i know money worries are a major cause of my stress and I have learnt not to panic just to keep moving in a forward calm manner and it will pass so I am doing that. Being able to 'disconnect' is very handy at times. Most days I don't give a crap and if we loose the house well then too bad, this time I am too sick to care....

I love going for walks and was determined to get into that and then sprained my ankle very badly, I still am unable to walk on it for very long, so as you can see it is a bit messy but I will definately be trying your suggestions.

Has any one got any clues about this....

I have been waking in the middle of the night in desperation of chocolate and lollies. Have been doing this for months and will actually get up and go hunting for something in the middle of the night. Now that is totally mental. I have gained about 10 kilos over the past 4 to 6 months. There is a tv show here called 'the biggest looser'. It is all about these people trying to win the competition by loosing the most weight. I can certainly tell them where it is if they need it back. :)
Do any of you do these binge eating things? If you do then how do you overcome them?? I have never been this way before. To give you an example I am eating up to 3 packets of chocolate coated biscuits or 1 kilo of chocolate a day. Now that has gotta be seen as serious binge eating. Well I feel it is and I was having cripiling panic attacks if I couldn't get to the chocolate / lollies.
My kids and husband were going out late at night in their cars just to get chocolate for me.
I am slowly trying to wean myself off but last night, I woke from a dead sleep, pumped full of sleeping pills, and was desperate enough to search the house and finally found the white cooking chocolate.
I am down to not allowing any one to buy any of it and not to 'support my habit' by being kind and going out for it myself, but the anxiety attacks are physically and mentally extreme. I end up curled in a ball terrified and begging.
I have never done this before and certainly never stooped to hiding it from people so I don't have to share. Yet over the last 6 months this is what is happening.
I know my PTSD got extreme about 8 months ago so the timing was pretty connected. It started out with one bag of lollies and a few jokes and now it is shameful.

Please give me some feedback if you have any. Could pills cause this stuff?? I am totally lost on this one.....

 

[Teddy]

thanks every one for caring. I must sound like a total idiot!:)

 

[AzureMind]

Hey MonkeyNutz! I'm right up there with you!! :)....Dissociation is a great defense, and it doesn't really matter whether you do it by free will or not....all I know is that if you are doing it, you started young, when there wasn't MUCH of a choice in the matter or you may have discovered the ability through experiencing stress that seem unmanageable, and you did it; it's a defense we all use from time to time, but some of us can do it at will.... I've been using it ALOT lately, and found out that I can do it at will if I want....

I suppose it has alot (at least for me) to do with my perception of what is REAL and what ISN'T. I've learned/read that dissociation is a type of auto-hypnosis (self-hypnosis) that alters your perception.....I realized by favoring my own 'internal experience' i.e. my emotions/responses to a threatening/highly emotional situation (it triggers the fear response of 'fight or flight' and I flee and that fear keeps me in that "world of mine") I can dissociate, or trigger the ability when overwhelmed by 'external experience' i.e. reality....both are perfectly valid and real as far as I can tell, but 'my world' is more favorable, and safe to the 'external world'.

I can stay in that state to a point where I can COMPLETELY log out of 'external reality' and join with my internal experience, and completely filter the experience and come back and not remember anything....I go away in my head so to speak.....I can even edit memories, and even things about myself that I don't want like personality traits.....the personality is only a psychological reflex, nothing more, nothing less, and I learned that anything can be edited, deleted, moved, anything....

I can't explain it, only that I know that if I don't want it, I can get rid of it....It's worked for me, and reduced some anxiety, but also caused some havoc as well in my life such as my chronic dissociation, and often it's intrusive, preventing me from absorbing information.

I do however know that with treatment, and the right therapist, this can stop if you wish to have it so....dissociation does cut of the emotions from the normal 'flow' of consciousness and therefore, aren't integrated into the ego....(the conscious self).