Hi Jimmy,
Thank you for your comments. It made me smile, and after being anxiety ridden for at least the last week I really needed that. :)
I wrote out a very long reply on forgiveness but deleted it. I re-read it and it was depressing. I don't think any of us needs help to feel depressed.
What I've learned about forgiveness in this last several days is to stop pushing myself so hard, and to not watch documentaries on how Holocaust survivors have learned to forgive. They showed footage of "the camps" and the victims, so I was triggered hard. I just wanted to learn from people I feel are experts at forgiveness, but I shouldn't have exposed myself to that. Besides, there are understandably very, very few that have managed it.
So there's what not to do. rofl
I've been learning to pray for the most harmful person from my past, and at first I couldn't do it. I learned this in A.A. 16 years ago and I'm just now able to even try it in regards to this person. I finally managed to ask for the Universe's perfect will for him, period. I have to keep doing this every day until I mean it and my heart softens. I'm wondering just how long it's going to take. I don't want to pray for him, but I need and deserve to be free, so it's worth the effort, and it is a *huge* effort right now. I was taught that we do this because any person that intentionally causes grievous harm is spiritually sick. I say they're flaming sociopaths, but that still means sick, and illness merits compassion. I suppose the issue for me is learning the ultimate in compassion. It's a good thing I don't believe in hell. lol
I do want to mention that people forced to do things in war that they would never do in a normal living situation are not flaming sociopaths or spiritually sick. I understand that's a completely different thing altogether. I just wanted to be clear about that.
I like how a guy shared in a meeting one time, "I don't so much surrender as collapse from exhaustion." That's about where I'm at. lol