Well said Anni.
When I first got hit with the symptoms-- I didn't know what they heck was going on, I just felt insane and it was messing up my functioning at school, why I can't concentrate on reading anything, why I'm having this inner freaking out in group work (conflict resolution "role plays" totally triggered me and I didn't understand why [it was because it geared me up to expect violence, even though not rational, my body did that, and I lost inner control-- outwardly, I ran to washroom to hide my myself, til I could re-gain control). I didn't understand that "this was panic attack", and "that was a flashback", etc. When I was told that it was likely PTSD, and not some form of schizophrenia, I thought okay, wow, good-- I won't have to be on meds for my lifetime and I'm not actually insane. But then I get the qualifier, but it's likely you will suffer this for some years.
No financial gain whatsoever of this condition, it's big financial loss.
Jimmy wrote: "But I personally would trade anything in this world to have my life, my thoughts, and my health back." Yes! Me too!
What became difficult for me also was once knowing this is ptsd, and having figured out some of the content of my reacting, and then something really bad happening in my lifeworld (really life threatening), to go to the hospital and not be beleived cause they are in "medical model' mode, ignore circumstance. And if they were confusing me with a faker, because I had partial awareness of this being ptsd-connected, in the swirl it's sent my head into (cause environment situation was not safe, and it was complicated-- and "outside of the normal range of experiencing"). This was frustrating: did they think this was "attention seeking"? I only go to the hospital, one because there's a pscyhiatrist shortage here, and 2) a counsellor shortage and 3) I was panicked about my safety and safety of others, and I was trying to take action, not only internally, but also externally, re: police, lawyers. What happened, was the chaos related to sociopath exposure and some really heavy stuff coming down, their abuse was getting exposed, under scruitiny of police and child care authorities, and a court case. . . and my life was threatened because they had friends who could do this, and know how to do this without the legal repercussions, cause they know the lines-- it's against the law to threaten a person's life, but how it was done, it would get thrown out of court (I was locked up in a garage, patches were flashed, handfull of bullets and verbal threat)-- it was a context beyond those front line hospital staff people.
So the fakers out there, while this dangerous situation was presenting in my life, and I'm not being beleived and my life and other lives were being threatened, I was shown the easy access to the "means" to deliver it (flashed a handful of silver bullets, .45s. . .?), the "patches" watch your back. I was being scapegoated, a distraction, cause one of the sociopaths knew that her games presented some deadly risks because of one thing happening in one part of her life and her association with these patches at another level.
I had to handle it with no back up or support for myself, no system response. I found a connection, got my way to the "General", just so that I was known, so he could know indirectly that I find their stuff to be none-of-my-business, I'm not a threat, I'm not "scratcy" and just so those other aholes knew, not to intimidate me. I didn't bring up what had happened, because I didn't want anyone to die (no matter how pissed off I was, and how sickeningly their crime was-- it was patch business, but there's a way they take care of that stuff internally).
It's just a situation, I had to handle on my own, without support, without another rational person helping me calculate risks, re: legal and re: how to approximate and evaluate that threat.
I was not "faking" and the situation was dangerous, it had risks that I had to figure out how to manage to keep myself safe, while containing possible risks to others safety, and manage all the trauma of this lenthy prolonged trauma situation that resulted in my life being threatened. The bottom line, stay away from sociopathic people. The General, he was okay, a reasonable person when I was there, he was not an idiot or anything. I think he somehow might have recognized my ptsd though, just mild dissociation stuff, he was quite generous, hospitable, decent, approachable. He also let me know that I was "family", so that actually was a comfort that I needed to hear. The boys treated me really well too, and that also helped me feel better, more safe. At the same time, I know it's good to stay away from things, not getting pulled into anything. It's another spin on 1%-- that percent our society ignores, that aren't there for us, so have to take it into one's own hands, work with nothing, pull together.
Where I live, actual PTSD treatment is hard to get, despite the diagnosis. If I had earlier treatment response, I could have been smarter about avoiding sociopaths, recognize the abusive patterns before falling into it, know that I have a right to pull away without guilt, and do that earlier.
There used to be more PTSD treatment options, a hospital, some out-patient programs, but those got cut. Some people might have "over-used" those services, e.g. over-dependent, I don't know? I do know that it sucks that they're gone now, when I could have benefited significantly from them earlier on with this disorder. There are people on the front-line, their own group-talk, thinking they're all 'tough, hardened, won't get fooled again" sort of thing, but that can displace real people who are presenting real problems, who need more than just support, 'love' or whatever. I don't need 'love' I just need to steer clear of bs, so I don't "get fooled again".
Ha, but I laugh, that I'm still alive! But I am angry. I feel rage about it sometimes. I have to cool it down. It was a lot of energy to not smack that rotten person who played these power games on me, threatened my life. . . I've let myself visualize doing that. But then I have to release my anger energy safely and not against my self (which I was also predisposed to do), externalize it, take care of it within, exercise, pound at an inanimate object, whatever.
Survival-- the mother of invention ;-) :)
